Armitage Heights Clarion

The end of the Clarion: some last-minute polls.

2008-10-27T09:47:00.004-06:00

Hi everyone, Marisha here. I am back in the Heights for the next few days packing out and trying to sublease my apartment -- if you know anyone that needs a nice, clean, well-lit one bedroom in the Cassock District, email me right away. Easy access to the I-Line and Armitage Square Park.

Just a couple of polls worth looking at. The first is the Herald-Tribune's mayoral race poll. Sherman has a very slight lead, just outside of the 3% margin of error.

Mayoral Race, Mishipeshu - November 4

Sherman Larson (I) - 34%

Robert Underdahl (D) - 29%

Reeves Sinderman (R) - 27%

==========================================

Aldermanic Special Race, 3rd Ward (Armitage Heights, Kendall Park, Hanley, Armitage Hill, Little Warsaw, Wihinapa) - December 2

Branch Nickelbine (R) - 52%

Blake Timlin (D) - 27%

Andrea Gilanshah (Green) - 16%

Bronwynn Hyperioum Eisenberg (Wiccan Socialist) - 2%

Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding (Đang Cong san Viet Nam) - 2%

==========================================

Looks very good for Sherman, looks very bad for the Democrats here in Armitage Heights. As I'd feared, the Greens, Democrats and Socialist Wiccans are splitting the lefty vote, while the conservatives in Armitage Hill and Wihinapa are united solidly behind Nickelbine.

I don't understand how Dr. Harding even got on the ballot again. He hasn't lived in this neighborhood for two years, he is wanted on felony public peace disruption charges, he is a member of the Viet Cong, and he is 90 years old. Marla and Barry are surely spinning over in their graves.

The end of the Armitage Heights Clarion.

2008-10-24T10:49:00.008-06:00

Hi everyone, Marisha here. You're probably surprised by the title of this post -- so am I, trust me. Where to even begin?

This has been a crazy month here. Maybe not as crazy as the Winter Parade riots or when Sherman disappeared in Ireland, but crazy nonetheless. Like I said, I'm not sure where to even begin.

So I'll start with the show in Minneapolis that was written about Armitage Heights, sort of a dramatization of the Christmas Island trial (who were called "Moon Island" here). I actually took some vacation time last weekend to fly out to the Twin Cities myself and see what it was all about. I'd wanted Sherman to come out with me, but since he's returned from Washington at the end of Hillary Clinton's campaign, on which he was serving as senior youth advisor, he'd been lying low. So I went out by myself, planning to stay for about a week. I had some old friends from college that are in grad school at Madison that I wanted to visit while I was out that way.

The show, "Don't Crush Out Heart," was good, but confusing. It was a "radio show," apparently, though it didn't seem to be broadcast on the radio. The fellow they had playing Sherman, a very talented musical theater actor named P. Chris Bierbauer, was spectacular. The woman playing me (Jenny Adams) was excellent, though my character seemed to have been extensively altered. I was portrayed as being 23 years old, naive and kind of whiny -- not exactly the way I picture myself. The band "Moon Island" was great; frankly, the songs were quite a bit better than the real Christmas Island's ouevre, all things considered. It was a great experience.

I talked to the company afterwards, a group called Electric Arc Radio. They were some very interesting and wonderful people. In fact, I'm currently writing to you from Minneapolis. But more on that in a minute.

Anyway, while I was in Minneapolis, two very notable events occurred back in the neighborhood:

1.) 3rd Ward Seat Vacancy. The first was that Chick Cavalcanti, my boss and the 3rd Ward alderman, had a severe heart attack -- this was last Monday, October 20 -- and was hospitalized. Chick was in a coma for a few days, but when he came to, he of course announced that he had no choice but to resign as 3rd Ward alderman. Mayor Underdahl temporarily appointed -- of course -- Sherman as his replacement, and called a special election for December.
So Sherman is my boss again. It was assumed Sherman would run for his old vacant seat in the special election. Not so. This is where it gets complicated.

2.) The Mayoral Race. There is also a mayoral election in November. Underdahl, the Democrat, was thought to be a shoe-in earlier this year, but his administration has recently become the object of some serious scrutiny for ethics violations and ties to a few radical Esperanto separatist groups. He's running a tight race between a well-financed but widely-disliked Republican challenger, 8th Ward Alderman Reeves Sinderman, the smarmy Mitt Romney backer who regular readers might recall from the Dublin guest blogger fiasco of some months ago.

So a week ago, Sherman announces that he is entering the mayoral race as an Independent candidate, on a fusion ticket with dotcom billionaire and zeppelin magnate Rockwell Katz for County Commissioner. Underdahl and Sinderman are both so unpopular, and Sherman has such name recognition from his various escapades as Alderman (in addition to serious funding from Katz) that he's now polling between 35% and 38% in a three-way race.

It seems entirely possible that on November 4, Sherman Larson will be mayor.

Which leaves the special election for 3rd Alderman seat up for grabs. With Sherman announcing his mayoral run as Independent, the Democrats have been left in a lurch. The best they've been able to come up with is 28-year old Blake Timlin (above left), a shy, boyish mumbler who is fresh out of an internship with the City Council Transit and Bicycle Paths Subcommittee. The Republicans are running a paleolithic local millionaire, Branch S. Nickelbine IV (above right), who was primarily known as an advisor to right-wing martyrs the Johannsen family. He's running on a reform ticket of extreme budget-cutting, and the first thing he's vowed to cut is funding for this blog, which he calls a "treasonous, ribald, elitist joke at the expense of the hard-working citizens of the real Armitage Heights." He's running ahead by fifteen points so far. I know Blake Timlin, and he's a nice guy, but there is no way I'm working for him if he wins. Which he almost certainly is not. He tried to ask me out on a date once at a Democratic Party benefit, and he spilled Cabernet on my dress, then ran into the bathroom and left me to clean it up. I think if I was working for Blake Timlin, there'd be a lot to clean up after.

So here I am in Minneapolis -- I'm gone for one week, and suddenly Chick is retired, Sherman is shoe-in for mayor, and the Republicans will hold the 3rd Ward aldermanic seat for the first time since the 1980s. Suddenly I seem to be out of a job!

Sherman has offered me a position in his administration, but I honestly don't have any interest in working in the mayor's office. Especially as an administrative assistant. I'm not even sure I want to keep working in local politics. I do hold two Bachelors degrees in Womens' Studies and Semiotics, and a Master's degree in Urban Planning and Comparative Literature, after all. Not to brag, of course. But it might be nice to consider a more challenging career path beyond the usual.

Good thing, too. Because how about this: when I was in Minneapolis, a friend in Madison I knew from the MFA program at Mishipeshu tipped me off to an opening here in town as managing editor with a small poetry journal. She went to school with their executive director, and recommended me to him. I interviewed, and they offered me the position right off. So weirdly enough, I am now writing to you not as assistant to the 3rd Ward Alderman in Armitage Heights, but managing editor of the Mill City Poetry Review in Minneapolis.

I expect when Nickelbine is elected, this blog will be shut down almost immediately and the funding diverted to abstinence-only sex education. I'll try to slip in before and post updates, if there are any; perhaps some of you would like to know what's going on with Sherman, Chick, the Kaos Krew, the right-wing twee-pop vigilantes Willy + Safire, legendary novelist Kimball F. Burin and Vietnam-based urban vigilante Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding.

But this really looks like it -- the end of the Clarion, and the end of my time here in Armitage Heights. Just like that. Funny how life works.

Email me at marisha.e.ferguson (at) gmail dot com if you need to get a hold of me.

Someone in Minneapolis wrote a radio musical about us.

2008-09-09T12:04:00.005-06:00

Above: Minneapolis, where actors are playing my assistant Marisha right now.

Marisha just came across some press clippings that seem to indicate that someone in Minneapolis (of all places!) has written a musical radio show about the Christmas Island case.

You can read about it here.

They've taken some real liberties, it looks like, changing Christmas Island to "Moon Island" and giving former councilman Sherman Larson a bigger part than he actually played. It looks like they changed the ending, too -- as we all know, our Christmas Island broke up before the trial ended and are presently working in and around town to pay off their legal fees. I feel bad for the kids, but so it goes. They probably won't be able to afford to fly out to Minneapolis to see the show that's about them. What a shame.

Marisha says she may fly out to see the show herself in October. We'll update you.

I've heard Minneapolis is a nice place. It's about the same size, roughly, as here, so maybe the people writing it will have a sense of what it's like being here. Of course, Minneapolis doesn't have a Zeppelin District or Delawaretown, does it?

If you're visiting for the first time from Minneapolis, feel free to look at this introduction to what's been happening on this blog since 2006.

Sherman update, post-primaries.

2008-06-06T13:46:00.003-06:00

My assistant Marisha has sent a few interesting links my way, both regarding our old pal Sherman.

One from Marc Ambinder at the Atlantic's political blog: "As Clinton's campaign draws to a close, non-essential Clinton staffers such as "senior youth advisor" (who knew Hillary had a "senior youth advisor"?) have been given their notices..."

Another post on the "housing wanted" section on Craigslist: "Looking for a good, cheap, sunny apartment in the Cassock District! Non-smoker! Just back from an exciting couple of months in Washington D.C. and enjoyed it quite a lot, but I am really excited to be back in our beautiful neighborhood! References upon request."

It would seem Sherman is back in the neighborhood.

Christmas Island relocation trial: Day 3.

2008-05-22T13:53:00.006-06:00

Well, another bombshell today. After a grueling morning of expert testimony by economists, intellectual property lawyers, real estate agents, rock critics, demographers and Dr. Richard Florida, they finally called some of the members of Christmas Island to the stand to testify. First up was the guitarist, Jessica Cormany. She brought her guitar to the stand with her.

"I'm not really a verbal person," she mumbled. "So if it pleases the court, I'd prefer to sing instead."

Judeg Ranvek allowed it. "This is a song I wrote one morning on the water taxi between Fulton Ferry Landing and Pier 11, looking out at the Brooklyn Bridge," she explained, fighting back tears. "It's the happiest I've ever been in my entire life."

Then she played the song. It was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. It was the most beautiful song anyone in the room had ever heard. The whole room was blubbering by the second verse.

Now I'm not a songwriter, but I know good work when I hear it. And gosh damn it, these kids are really good.

Our Armitage Heights lawyers looked sad and nervous. Judge Ranvek looked tearful. My assistant Marisha, sobbing softly, leaned in to tell me this: "That's not even their best song. That wasn't even on the EP. That was only available on a vinyl benefit compilation for when the Lakesider closed. They've got a million songs that good. All the new ones are about New York City."

The tide may have shifted in the kids' favor.

We'll see how day four goes.

Below is the courtroom sketch of Jessica playing her song.

Christmas Island relocation trial: Day 2.

2008-05-21T08:47:00.000-06:00

Above: Brooklyn's Councilman Yassky.

A big bombshell in the Christmas Island trial this morning. The Armitage Heights team brought in a surprise witness, David Yassky, who represents Brooklyn's 33rd Council District on the New York City Council. The 33rd Council District is comprised of Greenpoint, Brooklyn Heights, Boerum Hill, Park Slope and Williamsburg.

"As much as I appreciate the artistry of these kids, the 33rd doesn't particularly need another musical group of this sort right now," he said in his testimony. "Our resources are strained as is, and the idea that we might be able to offer your neighborhood some unspecifed renumeration for taking in these kids is ridiculous."

There was a gasp from the courtroom. Yassky waved his hand. "They're good. I've heard that EP they put out on KRS, they absolutely remind me of Of Montreal, in a good way. But we have plenty of equally great homegrown Brooklyn acts also reminscent of Of Montreal right in our city already. One more is not, from a strictly economic or cultural perspective, at all necessary." Yassky continued: "I'd advise these kids to stay right where they are, here in your wonderful neighborhood."

The court was audibly delighted to hear Councilman Yassky note that "Armitage Heights really does remind me a lot of parts of Greenpoint."

Looks bad for the kids. Their bassist -- I'll have to get her name from Marisha -- looked to be on the verge of tears. We'll see how day 3 goes.

The Christmas Island relocation trial begins today.

2008-05-20T12:07:00.008-06:00

There's considerable activity downtown near the courthouse this afternoon, across from City Hall, where I am writing you from.

You'll recall that before Sherman left to be a part of the Clinton campaign, he initiated some (to my mind) questionable legal action against the beloved "indie-pop" music group Christmas Island to legally prevent them from relocating to Brooklyn to pursue their musical careers, arguing that they had become (to quote the brief) "an essential and indispensible part of the fabric of our city's economic and cultural well-being." Now a few months later, Case Number CV-95-297833, Armitage Heights Neighborhood Development Organization v. Christmas Island, L.L.C., et al., is finally coming up before the Pierce County Court of Common Pleas.

Christmas Island, as far as I've heard, is trying to get the City of Brooklyn and Kings County to intervene on their behalf, and in order to prevent an injunction, possibly work out a trade agreement with Armitage Heights of some kind. I'm not sure what precedent there is for this, as my law school days are well behind me. I just hope those Christmas Island kids have some friends that passed the bar after their bands broke up.

Anyway, this should be an interesting one. I'll post updates and what-not from the civil trial as they are available.

Above: Two members of Christmas Island outside the Pierce County Courthouse downtown.

Neighborhood Focus: The Trunnion District

2008-05-12T16:25:00.002-06:00

Well, I get a lot of press releases faxed here, and sometimes there's some pretty interesting stuff. Take this, for example: something called Urban Beat magazine named the Trunnion District in Kendall Park the "most quickly gentrifying neighborhood in America" this month. Sherman used to do a thing called "Neighborhood Focus," so I guess I'll format this thing like one of those.

The Trunnion District, at its height in the 1870s, produced more trunnions then any city in the United States. Trunnions are critical to the manufacture of heavy artillery cannons, and no one made finer trunnions than our local companies -- United Trunnion, American Trunnion Works, Mishipeshu Trunnions. I remember it pretty well. My grandfather on my mother's side was trunnionsmith, a big, brooding Irishman. He hated trunnions to his dying day, but he used to say that trunnions kept his 27 children fed and clothed. "Charlie," he used to say, "I have dreams about feckin' trunnions every night. But those trunnions are what made us a family. Trunnions are what made this city great."

Anyway, the trunnion business fell on hard times after the Spanish-American War, and eventually, all the trunnion plants closed, leaving only the Mishie Trunnion Foundry by 1920. They hung on through the fallow trunnion years of post-cannon warfare by landing an exclusive contract with the Principality of Pinerolo, manufacturing the trunnions used for that city-state's elaborate bi-annual ceremonial battlefield drilling re-enactments, and occasionally landing lucrative one-off contracts with eccentric billionaires, historic arms dealers, artisanal artillery buffs, LARPers, producers for medium-budget BBC costume dramas, and miscelleaneous cannon perverts. The Pinerolo contract expired in 2003, and two years later, the plant was shuttered and its nineteen employees were laid off.

Mishipeshu Trunnion Foundry, 1856-2005

By 2006, the area was an urban wasteland, beset by arson, homicides and gang wars. Between 2005 and 2006, the Mishipeshu Police Department reported that violent crime in the precinct had skyrocketed 300%. The area was generally considered off-limits for residents of the city, and for several months in 2006 acquired the inelegant and stupid nickname the "Runnin' [From Gunshots] District." There was an influx of dozens of poverty-stricken native Esperanto speakers from the nearby Esperanto District, mostly separatists whose embrace of the Ido constructed language had lost them their jobs and homes in the more prosperous sections of Kendall Park. Average household income for the Trunnion District, a once fairly propserous working-class area, sunk below $9,000. The area continued to decay into 2007.

The corner of North 18th Avenue and East Wilson Street, March 2006.

Stories of cheap warehouse space, delicious ethnic Esperantan food, lax noise ordinance law enforcement and gorgeous brownstone Victorian architecture began to bring in a few dozen rock bands, artists, monogmaous gay couples, scooter enthusiasts and bohemians into the neighborhood in early 2007. Local zines and alternative media outlets began to declare the Trunnion District the "new Cassock District." By the end of 2007, a thriving new art and rock scene had sprung up along Wilson Avenue, much to the dismay of more conservative Esperantans and trunnionsmiths.

Free-Press noise-rock darlings Frost Creep at STORE, their rehearsal space/art gallery in the old Steve's World of Store Fixtures at 1800 East Wilson Street, April 2007.

"The Trunnion District, once known for something called 'trunnions' and then briefly for poverty and crime and now apparently for exciting new developments in twee-revival rock music and time-based media art is also now apparently the hottest new thing in upscale urban living!" crowed the Mishipeshu Herald-Tribune in a Lifestyles section editoral from early 2008. By early this year, construction had already begun on three new loft-style condo developments, a MINI Cooper dealership, two Starbucks coffee franchises and a Sonoma-Williams outlet.

The new Cannon Flats Lofts, set to open in July. The old Steve's World of Store Fixtures / STORE Gallery now houses a Mini Cooper dealership.

Urban Beat notes that this is an almost unprecendented opportunity for at least four generations of neighborhood residents to interact simultaneously. And believe me, they do, too. I get complaints from this neighborhood about everyone. I get probably a dozen variations on the "Those trunnionmakers/poor people/gay rock bands/condo developing yuppies are screwing this neighborhood up" email per week. "That this entire cycle could happen in the space of three years is nothing short of remarkable," says the magazine. I guess we'll take accolades where we can get 'em.

I sure got in a lot of trouble for that last post.

2008-04-21T14:53:00.002-06:00

The one about my assistant Marisha dying. She is not dead, and she is also not, as the post implied, dating Billy Draeger of the rock band the October Revolutionists.

It was April Fools Day! I thought people would get it. Back when I was councilman the first time, we pulled all sorts of wacky stunts on April Fools Day. This was pretty small potatoes, compared to something like the Gerald Ford blowdryer in '75, or the Zeppelinarium kudzu bomb in '76. Those made front-page news.

They wouldn't let me write on the internet diary for awhile, actually. Sorry it's taken so long to get back on. There's been a lot going on lately, and it's my duty to tell you the reader about it.

Marisha is on leave for a few days herself. I'll have her write a little something when she's back.

My assistant Marisha, 1977-2008.

2008-04-01T13:40:00.003-06:00

A real tragedy. She was the best assistant we've had here in the 3rd Ward since that Nancy Goellner in 1976, hands down.

I'll post the details soon. Keep Marisha's family and her musician boyfriend Billy Draeger of the band the October Revolutionists in your prayers.

More from the Johannsen family -- another death trip.

2008-03-17T11:10:00.005-06:00

Above: brother-sister indie-pop duo and globetrotting vigilantes Willy & Safire.

Boy, I'll tell you, a tragedy is a tragedy, but I don't know it is about the Johannsen family that breaks this neighborhood out into a total case of the loonies. Marla Manda dies last year, and all of a sudden it's a great idea to build a giant statue of a handgun in the middle of Armitage Square. Then her fool son goes and dies and suddenly every Republican in the 3rd Ward is threatening to prosecute me and Sherman Larson and anyone else that ever had an unkind word to say about the Johannsen clan. And now, I get this loony "press release" sent to me by Barry's two kids, Willy Bennett Johannsen and Safire Strauss Johannsen, who I guess play in a rock band of some kind. That assistant Marisha -- the really sharp one -- tells me that they're fairly well-known around town for playing something she called "twee pop revival," which means absolutely nothing to me. "Instead of songs about having crushes on librarians, though," she tells me, by means of explanation, "they sing about having crushes on University of Chicago economics professors."

Anyway, here is is. It was sent not by regular mail, but via the My Space.

dear friends:

as you know, it has been a great year for willy & safire -- we've just returned from a triumphant showcase at sxsw, and finally released our latest ep, god and man at yale. but imagine our shock when we return from austin only to find that our dear father, who taught has so much, has passed away in a tragedy, only one year after our grandmother passed as well. the fact that both were taken too soon in pursuit of the contemptible old communist bastard dr. thomas jefferson harding only makes it harder to bear.

so are announcing our first-ever asian tour this spring. we will be doing a tour of laos, cambodia and vietnam, and focusing on vietnam. we will bring our music to the people of southeast asia, and also use our free time to hunt down dr. harding and bring him to justice to answer for his many crimes against armitage heights, and his role in the death of our father and grandmother. it's what they both would have wanted, and we'll put our skills as musicians and handgun aficionados towards that goal.
see you in hanoi!
remember, you can read our blog about the trip, get tour info and hear our new songs right here at www.myspace.com/willyandsafire.

love,

willy and safire

What the hell is it about these people? Don't they have better things to do than run off to Viet Nam and chase down a senile old Marxist?

I thought when I took over the internet diary from Sherman I'd be able to write about stuff around town once in awhile, and not just accounts of a bunch of crazy vigilante death trips on behalf of the local right-wing plutocracy. I see that's not going to be the case.

Barry G. Johannsen, 1964-2008

2008-03-13T18:42:00.006-06:00

I have some tragic news from the American consulate in Viet Nam this morning. Seems that the chartered aircraft that was carrying Wihinapa perennial Republican city council candidate, building contractor and handgun activist Barry G. Johannsen and his small party of bounty hunters crashed somewhere in Laos following an apparent mechanical failure. Both he and his seven companions seem to have been killed, according to the wire reports that assistant Marisha has handed me.

As I believe I mentioned a few days ago, Johannsen was travelling to Viet Nam in hopes of tracking down the fugitive leftist urban guerilla and bringing him to justice. Or killing him, apparently.

It's worth noting that Johannsen's mother, Marla Manda Johannsen, died in Viet Nam herself almost exactly one year ago today under very similar circumstances. She, too, was in search of Dr. Harding.

Dr. Harding, of course, remains at large. He is believed to have assumed a senior position in the Viet Namese Communist Party.

Armitage Hill Christian Church, located at 8402 Gresham Avenue in Armitage Hill, will be holding a memorial service tomorrow evening. Donations will be taken and contributed to a fund set up in Mr. Johanssen's name. You may contribute online at this website.

My condolences to Johannsen's two kids, William Bennett Johannsen, 24, and Safire Strauss Johannsen, 22, both of Armitage Heights.

Where is Stedman Plaza?

2008-03-12T10:47:00.008-06:00

The last known image of Stedman Plaza, from a Herald-Tribune Sunday Magazine article dated May 12, 1974. This image is most likely much older.

So when I started here last week, I asked that assistant Marisha -- the really sharp one -- to print all of the E-mail letters I got, so I could read them over bagels and coffee in the morning, like I used to back in the '70s. Well, imagine my surprise this morning when there's about a whole ream of letters stacked all over my desk. That assistant Marisha tells me she's been getting a huge amount E-mails all week, and there's more and more coming in ever day. And all of them are about the same thing: the vanished Stedman Plaza, which I referenced a few days ago in my cursory catalog of our neighborhood's 70s-era ills. Older reader might remember it as a nice little public space over near Armitage Square off Gilpin Avenue at Toucey Avenue that was misplaced somehow in 1974 or 1975.

Seems to have touched off a nerve. People wrote with all sorts of theories they'd over the years about where Stedman Plaza disappeared to, or where is was misplaced, or what the story is. It's one of the great mysteries of our neighborhood, and I thought it'd be fun to take a look at people's ideas here. That's the sort of thing Sherman liked to do on this internet diary, right? I know he wasn't so hot for posting minutes from the council meetings.

Wihinapa's Steadmann Park is the metric Stedman Plaza.
Ashley H. in the Poutine District suggests an interesting theory: that Stedmann Park in Wihinapa is actually Stedman Plaza. Ashley notes that when the city briefly switched over to the metric system in 1974, many of the city's master plans were redrawn. In the confusion, some of the distances between Toucey Avenue and Gilpin Avenue were miscalculated, and in official publications, Stedman Park was misplaced in Wihinapa. The name difference can be attributed to the fact that when the first UniLog system was developed for the computerized reprocessing of the city grid in 1973 (also under the ausipces of Mayor Freese's concurrent Future Now initiative, which called for metricization and computerization of all city services), the punch card was mangled, resulting in the addition of an extra "n" being placed at the end, and the automatic transfer of city funds into Wihinapa's subfunds for park maintenance. This effectively allowed a similarly-shaped parking lot in Wihinapa, three miles northeast, to be designated Stedmann Park. This explains Stedmann Park's unattractive, parking lot-like appearance, but the fact that there are historic references to both areas in the 1952 City Registry muddles this theory slightly. Why would you park a car in a plaza, after all?

Stedman Plaza fell victim to inter-factional rivalries in the hippie sculpture garden wars of the 1970s.
There were some pretty cruddy sculpture parks around here in the mid-'70s, but that one on Toucey was the worst. That was the one with the head of Salvador Allende made out of old Coke bottles, except it looked like Jack Klugman? And it kept catching on fire? Well, Murray S., who claims to have been a Parks Board operative at the time, takes us back to those heady days of the sculpture park wars: he notes that the poor record-keeping practices on the Board at the time may have led to funds being diverted into the upkeep of Giant Earth Robot Meditation Plaza, leading to the Stedman Plaza site to be illegally occupied by a sect of Neo-Gesturalists, who you may recall were a radical fringe of urban hippie sculptors that rejected the metaphoric flourishes of the major hippie sculpture gardens (this is all covered beautifully in two books, Ecce Hoedown: The Armitage Heights Sculpture Explosion, by Frank Carney-Nentzl, and Half-Welded to a Dream, by Groff Schwenson). By the time the site burned down in the '78 riots, all the records had been destroyed by the anti-Neo-Gesturalists who controlled the Park Board through most of the 1970s, effectively writing the Glass Bottle Allende Klugman Head out of the history books -- and disappearing Stedman Plaza with it.

Stedman Plaza was torn down by vengeful labor unions, under the cover of construction for the failed I-386 interstate spur.
This is the opinion of Jake T., who wrote to inform us that he worked as a union foreman in the 1970s on the crew that began tentative work on the failed I-386 spur into Armitage Heights in 1974. He said that the union wanted Stedman Plaza out of the way, due to the its unfortunate namesake, F. Cornell Stedman, the union-busting Gilded Age industrialist who is best remembered by those in the Labor movement for his 1917 promise to "devour the infants of the working classes betwixt my teeth and grind them into a fearsome paste, lest they be infected by the plague of Bolshevism" (this was even the epitaph on his grave in Kendall Park until 1966, I believe). In the course of their work in the area, the crew tarped the Plaza and tore it apart with small, noiseless drilling tools and steel brushes, obfuscating work logs and failing to inform city planners. Due to the blight in that area at the time generally, no one noticed the Plaza was gone until it was well into the 1980s. There is now a B.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro on the site in question.

Stedman Plaza was uprooted piece-by-piece by the Freemasons and illegally relocated.
I don't need to refresh anyone's memory about the neighborhood's roots in Freemasonry. So Vick H. in Hanley writes that there has been a popular theory circulating for years that Stedman Plaza, named for Freemason F. Cornell Stedman, was built at Toucey and Gilpin Avenues to complete a visual arrangment that placed the Plaza as the Unveiling Queen of Heaven in alignment with Toucey as the fourth point of entrance in the pentagram formed around Armitage Square when it was built in the 1840s. I'm not sure what all that entails, but apparently, when the fourth point of entrance was shifted from the pentagram by Grand Masterly decree in 1974...aw, this mumbo-jumbo never interested me. I guess Freemasons supposedly took the concrete fixtures apart and put it all back together again somewhere in their lodge in Hanley, and no one noticed it was gone because of the metric restructuring, rioting, interstate spur-building and sculpture parks. Sounds as plausible as anything, I guess.

There never was a Stedman Plaza.
The last theory is from "Dr. L," who teaches history at St. Rumwald College. His theory, about which he actually wrote his thesis on in 1999, is that there never was a historic Stedman Plaza. It was all a cover-up for a white slavery ring that ran out of a three-story tenement off Toucey until it was burned down by -- depending on who you believe -- a rogue cop, a crooked landlord, or the Kendall Park branch of Baader-Meinhoff in 1974. "Stedman Plaza became an illusory embodiment of our aspirations as a neighborhood that happened to coincide with the 3rd Ward's rise to prominence in the city during the first half of the 20th Century," writes Dr. L. "When those dreams began to die in the 1970s, the illusion died with it, leaving nothing behind but smashed-up tenements and a trash-strewn, urine-soaked legacy of cruelty and vice."

That's all very interesting. I think it's real neat how there's a B.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro there now instead of tenements. I ate there the other night, and they had a pretty good egg foo young, I thought. There sure isn't any urine there anymore, at least. So I guess that's good.

Maybe I'll look at introducing an act to establish that space near that building as the Stedman Plaza Memorial Plaza, if the unions, Freemasons and anti-Neo-Gesturalists didn't have too strong an objection.

The Johannsen family spectacle.

2008-03-10T15:12:00.005-06:00

That nutjob Johannsen.

So I come into City Hall this morning with my cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, ready to tackle the business of the 3rd Ward and feeling very good (there was a Bix Beiderbecke retrospective on Mishipeshu Public Radio this morning, which I thought was a pretty good way to start the day off). Anyway, that assistant Marisha they assigned me -- she's the really sharp one -- she hands me a very interesting memo she's recieved. I don't know how Sherman did things when he was around here, but I won't lie to you, reader: this thing just about gave me a conniption fit.

It was from that maniac Barry G. Johannsen, who you may recall just lost the election to Sherman in a landslide last November. It was full of the kind of cuckoo horse-crap that the Johanssen family has been spouting since the heyday of their late matriach, Marla Manda Johannsen -- you know, SHERMAN MURDERED MY MOTHER THIS, WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY THAT, BLAH BLAH BLAH SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMICS THIS, YAK YAK YAK REVENGE ON YOU MARXIST NUTJOBS THAT. Jumping Jehosophat! These creeps never learn.

Sherman might have put up with the crap, but I won't. I began my political career in 1961 running against red-baiting Armitage Hill Goldwaterites that tried to smear my first wife as a a lesbian; she was a lesbian it turns out, but the point is, I learned politics in the good old days. I don't know how to play softball.

The gist of Johannsen's memo was this:

The general election in November was rigged.
Sherman intentionally resigned right after so the mayor could install me and I could return Armitage Heights to the leftist urban hellhole of the 1970s.
Sherman is going to be made Secretary of Re-Education after the Hillary junta.
Sherman is indirectly responsible for his mother's death.
Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding is fully responsible for his mother's death, and, lastly...
He is travelling to Viet Nam to find Dr. Harding and kill him to avenge his mother.

So there's all these pictures of him with his nutty old lady's handguns, posing like he's Sergeant York or something. I don't know why he sent this thing to me, since I don't give two figs about any of it, but I thought you good readers should know the what-for. That nutjob is welcome to go to Viet Nam and find whoever he wants. It's no skin off my back. While it's true that Dr. Harding should be extradited and brought back to answer for his role in the Christmas Parade riots of '06, it will take someone like Interpol to do it, or at least someone with a lot more sense than a chuckleaded loony-bird like Johannsen.

Times sure change.

2008-03-05T12:53:00.009-06:00

The last-known photo of the 1976 University of Mishipeshu Men's Varsity sculling squad, on the Vistula River in Krakow, Poland, August 1976. Thanks to that Marisha for getting it out of my storage bureau and up on here.

I have to say, times sure have changed since my last tenure as 3rd Ward councilman in the late-1970s. Back in those days, there was such a municipal budget crunch that the city council had actually rented out the Fletcher O. Casady Council Chamber to a group called the Armitage People's Temple, what we had thought was a community fraternal organization (it was, in fact, a sort of death cult that had close ties to the Mushkobewun Park Massacre). The council itself met in an unheated mooring room in the old Zeppelinarium here in the 3rd Ward through 1979. What time to be alive in Armitage Heights that was. Times change!

It's real nice to be working on people's good 2008 problems this time out. I mean, the community is in sort of rough times right now, I understand - the subprime crisis has hit south Hanley and Kendall Park particularly hard, and there's bad unemployment numbers all over. But gee, I don't know if this stuff stacks up against the problems we had in the neighborhood in the mid- to late-'70s. I mean, just a quick list and you can remember what it was like here at that time: besides the Mushkobewun Park Massacre, we also had Mayor Freese's doomed 1976 third party presidential run and subsequent kidnapping and brainwashing, Kimball F. Burin's knife-fight with Representative Thurston, the municipal water burglary of 1975, the Kendall Park Stranglers (Sr. and Jr.), nineteen separate gas crises, the heating fuel crisis, the motor oil crisis, the cooking offal crisis, the mobilization of the National Guard when 2nd Ward Councilwoman and Maoist Bethany Adler-Monacelli was elected City Council Treasurer, the general horticulture strike (right), the Esperanto Uprisings, the Hanley Fires of '74, '75 and '78, the shuttering of the Cassock District, that Bachman-Turner Overdrive concert at the old Armitage Palladium that no one showed up to, the various fires, arsons, explosions and implosions that claimed, among others, the Fitzhugh Building, Fitzhugh Hall, the Dubow Towers, the Bulgarian-American Friendship Palace, the Levinson Brothers Candleworks, the Cashmere Registry, Aldolf's Omaha East and the Tribune-Herald Telefax Archives, the disappearances of Baby Andrea, Baby Colleen and the Fitzhugh Twins, the Citizens Band Wars, the Mushkobewun Park Massacre reprise, the Kendall Park Zoo public auction, the bankruptcies of 1976-77 and super-bankruptcy of '78, the junk bond parade of 1979, the Fifth of July, Sixth of November and Maundy Thursday Disasters, the abduction of the 1976 University of Mishipeshu Men's Varsity sculling squad in Krakow, the marijuana-fueled motorbike death of Councilman Spence Whitmarsh and freezing of funding for his beloved hippie sculpture gardens, the unintentional- but- still- internationally- calamitous destruction of the Soviet Peace Plaza in 1975, the freeze-drying of Senator Franzen, the Black Panther Olympics (left), the Tarbaby Debates, the rise and fall of Allen Jeffreys and the Mellowhearts, the city council's Valium Act of 1977, the publication of Kimball F. Burin's Moloch of Stanton Ave., the 1976 land-yacht debacle that led to half the City Council's resignation, Mayor Freese's conversion to Zen Buddhism and subsequent repudiation of his official duties, the Voyageurs losing the NBA title to a pretty weak L.A. Lakers two years in a row, the still-unsolved disappearance of Stedman Plaza, the rise of the English Equal Progress Party and its disastrous merger with the Esperanto Rights Party, and of course the sexual healers scandal of '73. Those are just the few that occur to me off the top of my head. That Marisha hardly knows any of them, but let me tell you, it was a challenge to try to run the 3rd Ward at that time. Let me tell you.

I barely recognize the new City Hall, actually. It was built downtown in 1983 on the site of the old Telefax Archives.

.
Stedman Plaza in 1919. Where was it misplaced in 1974-75?

Good luck and God bless, Sherman. Also, an introduction to me and this internet diary.

2008-02-29T19:00:00.004-06:00

Well, Sherman, good luck in the big time with Hillary. We're all wishing you luck you back here.

Sherman did a nice job introducing me. For those that missed it, my name is Chick Cavalcanti, and I was 3rd Ward councilman from 1975 to 1979. I've been asked by Mayor Underdahl to fulfill this role once again, a charge I enthusiastically accepted.

As far as whether I plan on continuing to keep writing in this internet diary, I don't know yet. That Marisha they assigned me thinks it would be a good idea, but I'm still not totally sure how it all works. The guys at my bar, Chick's, on Stanton Avenue, talked about it once in awhile and I was never totally clear what he was trying to accomplish with it. But we'll keep it going for the time being and try to make it relevant. I asked the guys at the bar, some of my steady guys like Hank and Steve, if they read any online diaries. They sent me emails with a couple suggestions, but I looked at them and thought they were junk. I don't know how those guys got so damn conservative. Used to be solid, lunch-pail liberal union guys back in my day.

I asked that Marisha they assigned me what she thought I should write in the diary for today, and she had a few ideas, a lot of which were sort of good. I might just let write it if she wants to. She seems to be pretty hip to this stuff. Sherman was always having her write about rock bands, which seems like sort of a waste of a pretty sharp mind. I don't know what the hell is so interesting about rock bands. Do people write a lot about rock bands on these diaries? I guess I'll have to look at a few and see what's going on with them. If you know of any good ones, you can send them. But that Marisha they assigned me is pretty sharp.

I asked my grandkids Skippy, Charlie III and Madison what I ought to put in the diary and they sent me a bunch of photographs of talking cats. I don't really know how to get them out of the email, but they sure sent a bunch of them. I guess I could describe them instead of putting them up here. There's this cat, and he's looking at his feet because he's on his back, and he's saying "oh hey, are you my feet?" except it's all misspelled. So I guess the cat is supposed to be trying to speak cat language or something. I guess I don't get it.

Well, good luck out there. We'll talk soon.

A bittersweet day!

2008-02-07T19:54:00.001-06:00

Today I have some very, very bittersweet news for all of you, my faithful readers.

Effective immediately, I am resigning my position as your councilman representing the 3rd Ward in order to take a position in Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign for President.

Hillary and Hillary's campaign organization have asked me to join her Youth Are Our Future Now Hillary '08 Youth Advisory Subcommittee as co-chairman, and it is an honor I am deeply grateful to accept.

It's something I am reluctant to do. I am taking a $20,000 cut in pay, but how can you put a price on our future? Is getting the vote of just one more on-the-fence urban designer worth $20,000? Building a better future for the children of this nation by securing the support of a noise-rock band? Or an independent coffee shop? Or the clientele of a cult film video rental store that the other guys might have overlooked? I say yes, it is worth $20,000. It's worth more.

I love working with youth, and anyone that knows this neighborhood I have represented was made great by the youthful energy of its many late-teens, twentysomethings and very early non-homeowner thirtysomethings. These were the guys and gals that made us the envy of every non-Brooklyn, non-Bay Area urban neighborhood in America -- and we were even catching up with them, I know it. It's these talented, insightful, hard-working young folks that will decide who our next president will be, and it is my task to help them make the right decision. And the right decision is Hillary Clinton. She's not as young as her main rival, but she's got that "moxie" that I've seen in other great young leaders, and I'm so excited to help get the message out about her.

It's a time of transition here in the Heights. My assistant Marisha, too, is going through some professional changes. I would love her to come with me and work with on Hillary's campaign, but her future lies elsewhere -- in fact, not even in this country! She's taking a position in London this spring as a publicist for

My position will be filled by Mayor Underdahl's appointee, a man who is himself no stranger to the world of local politics, former Democratic 3rd Ward Councilman Charlie "Chick" Cavalcanti, Sr. As many of you recall, Chick served in this post from 1975 to 1979 before going on to also serve on the city's Recession Czar from 1980 until 1983, and then going into the private sector throughout the 1980s and 1990s (you may recall the short-lived 1985 CBS sitcom based loosely on his exploits as a tavern-keeper and former local politician, C'mere A Minute). He has come out of retirement to fill this position, and is excited about serving until a special election is called later this year. Here's hoping he brings the most interesting parts of the spirit of the old 1970s Armitage Heights to our modern-day neighborhood! Of course, Councilman Cavalcanti will be welcome to continue this blog as he sees fit. It is my hope that he does.

I will be maintaining a new blog called The Kids Are All Hillary!, which you'll be able to find at http://www.hillaryclinton.com/blogs/thekids. I hope to see some of you there -- and then in Washington in 2009!

So with my best wishes to all of you, I remain yours in service,

Our one year anniversary!

2007-12-11T11:08:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, I sat down at my computer in my office at City Hall downtown and typed out the very first entry of this blog, the Armitage Heights Clarion. As I said then, my goal was to post "information about things happening around the neighborhood, news for residents and business owners, updates from city council meetings, and maybe even a few tips about life around the city!"

And so I have! What a year! Who could have imagined then what a wild -- and productive -- year the neighborhood would have?

Looking back, it's hard to believe so much happened in the space of a year, both positive and non-positive. There were the Winter Parade disturbances last year, the troubling emergence of the Kaos Krew as a major force on the international art scene, the unfortunate dysenteric death of handgun activist Marla Manda Johanssen (and brouhaha over her proposed memorial), the demisesquecentennial of the Zeppelin District, my assault and subsequent hospitalization at the hands of a fellow councilperson, my abbreviated U2-themed vacation to Ireland, kidnapping and brief career in the illegal underground 1984 Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league , my assistant Marisha's housesitting woes with Mitt Romney's freeloading kids followed by his outrageous denunciation of Marisha, the meteoric rise of indie-rock superstars the October Revolutionists, my court-mandated re-election over Ms. Johnanssen's son Barry and a host of challengers, and of course, the tragic and still-shocking death of unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski. And too many other neighorhood events and news tidbits to count!

Needless to say, it's been a wonderful year writing this blog for everyone. I hope to be around to serve the people the 3rd Ward for many years to come, and I hope you will continue to find the Clarion a useful, reliable and fun source of inform about this great neighborhood. It's definitely "in ur computer, conveyin ur nayborhood pride," as those great internet cats might say.

CNN's "1,000 Best Neighborhoods of All Time": we've got three!

2007-11-29T13:14:00.000-06:00

A typical rickets-free Kendall Park residence in 1902 -- the kind that dazzled CNN!

CNN has recently published its list of the 1,000 Best Neighborhoods Of All Time. And who should be appear on the list three times? Our very own Armitage Heights!

Armitage Heights (2007), Armitage Heights (1970) and Kendall Park (1902) were all picked by a panel of experts from a list of hundreds of thousands of neighborhoods throughout the entirety of world history, based on livability, safety, cost of living, infrastructure and cultural amenities -- and we didn't do too badly at all! Present-day Armitage Heights ranked at a respectable #688, right in front of Mount Auburn/Brattle Street in Cambridge, Massachusetts (1770), and right behind the E-Ninnu Temple District in Lagash, Sumer (2050 BCE). Between the Tories of Cambridge and the high priests of Sumeria, this is pretty outstanding company! The panel cited our "great public transit, historic architecture, and thrilling cultural scene" as distinguishing traits. We have the added distinction of being the only neighborhood in the state to make the list.

Kendall Park (1902) fared even better, placing all the way up at #159! The committee was wowed by the neighborhood's "legendary central square" (young people might be scratching their heads as to where exactly this is located -- it's now the site of the equally legendary Ellison Cooper Volberg Public Housing Towers) and "beautiful Italianate buildings." The panel also noted that "the unusually low instances of influenza, rickets and lockjaw in the area's natives made this the late autumn getaway destination for well-to-do vacationers from all over early-20th Century America." It's worth pointing out the Kendall Park still retains very low instances of rickets, and a great many of the beautiful brick row houses are still standing!

The 1970 Armitage Heights held up the end of the list at #933, and the article noted that "despite the radical criminality, high unemployment and decaying infrastructure of the time, there were many outstanding hippie sculpture parks and an attractive air of danger-tinged mod-ish free-spiritedness to the place, best captured in Kimball Burin's well-known 1972 non-fiction book Moloch of Stanton Ave."

The best neighborhood of all time, of course, was voted XIe arrondissement of Paris (1911), with the Upper East Side of New York City (1961) running a close second.

Next year, let's see if we can displace the Sumerians next year and inch up closer to the top!

Let's have a pleasant, orderly court-ordered re-vote.

2007-11-12T12:13:00.001-06:00

Supporters of Republican candidate Barry G. Johannsen and Green candidate Andrea Gilanshah tussle in an anti-Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding protest in Armitage Square on Sunday.

Well, as I am sure you've heard, last week's election had a few mishaps -- the presence of robotic Libertarian pro-Ron Paul spambots in the voting machine electronic grid, the illegal candidacy of fugitive Viet Cong ex-patriate Dr. Thomas Jefferson, and the farcical, one-note candidacy of local writer, activist and jerk Kimball F. Burin.

The entire slate of candidates, in fact, filed for a court injunction to have last Wednesday's election results nullified -- a move that the 10th Circuit court upheld in a ruling early this morning.

Reublican Party candidate Barry G. Johannsen objected on the grounds that the illegal presence of Ron Paul on the ballot drew Republican votes from him. He was also infuriated by the illegal presence on the ballot of Dr. Harding, whom he still fiercly maintains is directly responsible for the death of his mother, Marla Manda Johannsen during her recent, ill-advised bounty-hunting journey to Vietnam. He also vowed to follow in his mother's footsteps to Vietnam to find and extradite Dr. Harding should he not win the re-vote.

Green Party candidate Andrea Gilanshah also objected to the presence of Dr. Harding, and believe he may have drawn away valuable votes from the 50 or so old Jewish socialists still living in pockets of Armitage Hill that might have made for a more narrow margin.

Kimball F. Burin, running under the made-up banner of the "Anti-Bedwetters Democratic Union," made some wildly unfounded accusations to the Free-Press last week to the effect that his campaign was personally sabotaged by myself and my assistant Marisha, and also claimed to have photos of the two of us dressed in (his words) "bondage gear" sneaking around his headquarters on Stanton Avenue which he will post to his website this week. This is too ridiculous to even contemplate responding to seriously.

Ron Paul's presidential campaign released a statement late last week denying any responsibility for any "spambots." However, the shadowy Facebook group "HAXX0RZ 4 RON PAUL WINING EVERY ELECTION!!!11!!!" may have played some role in the strong spambot-aided showing by Rep. Paul. An investigation is underway. Libertarian spambots have no place in our local elections.

The re-vote will be held tomorrow, November 13. For information about where to vote, please contatct the Pierce County Board of Elections at (436) 774-VOTE, or visit their website at http://elections.pierce.mish.hu.us/.

Election results!

2007-11-07T10:08:00.000-06:00

Well, the hard work is all over, and I want to thank everyone that voted for me in yesterday's election. You'll note I didn't mention much about the election on my blog here, but I want very much to keep politics out of here, and focus on the things that transcend politics -- non-partisan issues like my recent Christmas Island Economic Sustainability Plan. The sorts of things we can all agree on as a neighborhood, regardless of party affiliation.

Nonetheless, here are the results of the 3rd Ward city council election, as certified by the Herald-Star and KWHA 5 television.

All of my opponents are honorable, intelligent men and women, and I am proud to have had such distinguished opponents in this race. When I say this, however, I do not include novelist and gadabout Kimball Burin, whose dull, endless tirades against me (under the auspices of a fictitious, inaccruately-named and generally insulting "Anti-Bedwetter's Democratic Union") are an embarrassment to his otherwise sterling legacy of hard-hitting drunken New Journalism. Nor do I include fugitive malcontent Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding, who remains a dangerous, crazed idealogue that we are still working very hard to extradite and should probably not be permitted to appear on a ballot legally -- the fact that he ran in absentia representing the Vietnamese Communist Party is pure spite, and also probably not legal.

Ron Paul is a good man, too, I suppose, if you're into his sort of thing (I have endorsed Bill Richardson myself!). Apparently, though, he only earned half a percentage point owing to the influence of overzealous Libertarian computer spambots that somehow worked their way onto the electronic grid. I will probably need to appoint a commission to look into that.

I invite all citizens of the 3rd Ward to join me in the hard work that remains to be done in the next five years -- excepting, of course, members of the Vietnamese Communist Party and the Anti-Bedwetter's Democratic Union.

Sherman LARSON
(Democrat)
54%

Barry G. JOHANNSEN
(Republican)
35%

Andrea GILANSHAH
(Green)
6%

Kimball F. BURIN
(Anti-Bedwetters Democratic Union)
3%

Bronwynn Hyperioum EISENBERG
(Wiccan Socialist)
1%

Dr. Thomas Jefferson HARDING
(Đang Cong san Viet Nam)
0.5% (in absentia)

Ron PAUL
(Republican Misc.)
0.5%

"Scary" Halloween costumes!

2007-11-06T10:46:00.000-06:00

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of wacky Halloween costume pictures that we've gotten emailed to us here in the office -- it seems like an awful lot of you were dressing up as me this year for Fright Night festivities! Below are some of the best ones! My pick for winner is little Madison Monaghan-Gibney of Kendall Park below! My assistant Marisha says the best resemblance is Adam Beyersdorf of Wihinapa (with his "hippie" wife Allison below).

Well done, everyone!

Marisha thought that some of these photos were just people in suits after work, but it's clear to me from the hair coloring and posture that they're "doing Sherman." I feel proud to be a part of people's lives in this way.

For obvious reasons, I chose not to include any photos of "me" that involved blood, Monopoly money, arrow-through-the-head props, East German commandant uniforms, marijuana references, shredded-up copies of the U.S. Constitution and/or all of these items at once (very clever, Bud Hobday of Armitage Hill).

Upcoming ArtBuddies events schedule, November and December.

2007-10-14T12:15:00.000-06:00

Law and Order's Ric Ocasek (left) meets Cars frontman Richard Belzer (right), at the Mishipeshu Center for the Arts.

Don't miss Mishipeshu Public Radio presents the ArtBuddies series at the Mishipeshu Center for the Arts! Every few weeks, MPR will be bringing together two great minds of our time and turning them loose to talk about whatever they want -- no gimmicks, no scripts, no limits, just fascinating conversation between some of the most interesting people in the arts today. These sessions will be moderated by Brad Lebree, contributor to such beloved public radio porgrams programs as SpinBack, Crosstalk, AfterWord, Lebensraum, The Alvin Blomgren Show, Vox Humana, Ecelectricity, Alvin Blomgren Presents The Buzz Treatment With Brad Lebree, Bookstorm, The Linkup, The Big Time, Sunday Voices, Sunday Voices: Saturday Edition, The Emphasizer, Audio Box, Station Break, Here Comes the Comptroller and the highly anticipated upcoming news and feature series Buzz Beat With Brad Lebree and Nancy Chakravarty.

11/3: Phillip Glass and Rick Dees
11/17: Peter Criss and Gore Vidal
11/27: Richard Belzer and Ric Ocasek
12/14: Joe Satriani and Joanna Newsom
12/21: Christopher Hitchens and Fab Five Freddy

Fall arts and culture round-up: visual arts preview!

2007-10-09T15:04:00.000-06:00

Armitage Heights Center for Contemporary Art: MySpace Facebook Guantanamo: New Work by Hanson Freeman Carney

Mishipeshu Institute of Art: Arbus /Frazetta (October 20, 2007 - March 3, 2008) .

Stanton Avenue Arts: Maeda Bedosky: New Paintings on Corporate Letterhead (November 3, 2007 - February 2, 2008) .

Hanley Contemporary: Mas Feces (November 7, 2007 - December 19, 2007).

5299 Space: Building Code Violations (October 12, 2007 - ongoing) (note: the 5299 Space remains closed for building code violations)

Little Wilmington Arts Center: New Botanical Watercolors by George Thorogood and the Destroyers (October 18, 2007 - January 24, 2008) [pictured above]; Cambridge x Dover x Chincoteague: Six New Delmarva Artists (November 11, 2007-January 3, 2008).

Baby Dolls Heads: New Baby Doll Head Collages by Suzanne S. Carmichael (November 14, 2007 - December 2, 2007).

Christmas Island must be retained, part one.

2007-09-25T12:19:00.001-06:00

Indie-pop sensations -- and possibly soon-to-be-former Armitage Heights residents -- Christmas Island.

Well, I've been back in the neighborhood for about a week now following my experiences in Ireland and Dubai. It's been quite a journey. For the first few days back, I was having severe involuntary convulsions that resembled lay-ups, and I kept referring to Marisha as "Coach Red."

I'm feeling much better now, however, and it's time to get back to doing the work of this neighborhood.

There are a lot of very important issues coming up in the coming months -- land use policy in the Armitage Avenue corridor, the Zoning Appeal Commission's quarterly report on tax-funded mixed-use encounter pools, programmatic changes regarding the Committee on Zeppelin & Airship Policy, and community reinvestment in the Freemasonry District, but there is one issue facing our community that dwarves all of these for our area's future well-being, and that is indie-pop band Christmas Island's recent decision to relocate to Brooklyn.

I had my assistant Marisha draw up a chart in Excel this morning, and I think it's very instructive:

It's no coincidence that the year a neighborhood band got it's first 9.0+ rating on Pitchfork (Teenage Law Student's It's Hard To Figure What A German With An Enormous Moustache Does For A Living in 2003) was the same year that our local percent increase in real GDP growth rates were in the top quintile nationally for at least a decade. Christmas Island's last EP garnered a 7.8 rating. Is there any doubt the LP they are presently recording for Sub Pop Records will be at least a 9.0? And is there any doubt what economic factors will be positively affected? Good record reviews mean credibility, and in today's new econony, credibility is economic prosperity.

I am going to be proposing a plan to the city council in the next several weeks to make the case for keeping Christmas Island as permanent residents of our beautiful city. Stay tuned for the details!

A "shout out" for my fellow survivors of the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league!

2007-09-19T14:20:00.000-06:00

Dazed fellow hostage Mark Imbretson (as Larry Bird), moments after our rescue.

The twenty-two days I spent in Irish billionaire Tynan Tiarchnach's illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league were some of the most challenging of my life -- and some of the most rewarding. We were forced to play three games a day, refer to each other using only our illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league names, and wear Celtic uniforms whose shorts left nothing to the imagination -- and, where relevant, blonde wigs and mustaches. But despite that, the camaraderie I formed with my fellow hostages, and the great times we shared in winning the forced simulation of the 1984 NBA championship made it feel less like a simulation whose outcome was mapped out, but more like the result of real teamwork in action, a commitment to persevere, and a will to be winners! There were some times when I almost forgot we were hostages.

So here is a tribute to the men and woman that comprised our championship illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league team. They are all fine, healthy and on their way back home -- and they are some of the best men and woman I've ever had the pleasure of encountering.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Larry Bird equivalent:
Mark Imbertson, 19, student
New Brighton, MN
This kid was unbelievable! He had the biggest shoes to fill as "the hick from French Lick," but he was amazing out there on the boards. He definitely earned his extra rations! I hope the Golden Gophers management are paying attention, because this kid is on fire!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Robert Parish equivalent:
Hanson Lenk, 39, optometrist
Schaumberg, IL
Hanson was a real trouper. What else can I say?

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Kevin McHale equivalent:
Bruce Hagen, 43, software engineer
Philadelphia, PA
Poor Bruce had been a hostage longer than all of us -- he was kidnapped by Tiarchnach's operatives on a vacation to Venice six months ago. He was in great shape, though, and was actually the one that managed to sneak out and alert the authorities. Good lay-up, too.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Dennis Johnson equivalent:
Patrick Cotrell, Ph.D., 35, professor of art history
Springfield, MO
Dr. Cotrell had the hardest time of all of us -- he didn't have any idea who Dennis Johnson was, and had only barely heard of Larry Bird, which infuriated our captors. Luckily, we were able to "clue him in" after lights-out without the guards knowing. Being a professor, he was a quick study!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Cedric Maxwell equivalent:
Chuck Lurati, 53, city council member
Pittsfield, MA
Chuck is also a public servant! A representative of Pittsfield's Ward Seven, we bonded right away. In fact, we became a great two-person civic juggernaut on the boards. I'm looking forward to seeing him at the annual city government convention in Palm Springs this year.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Gerald Henderson equivalent:
Don Douglas, 30, pastry chef
Brampton, Ontario
Great hustle!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Scott Wedman equivalent:
Senthilkumar Venkattasetty, 24, programmer
Palo Alto, CA
Also a vegetarian, just like the real Soctt Wedman!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Quinn Buckner equivalent:
Adam Elliott, 20, student
Lansing, MI
Another "kid" that made us oldsters look bad out there! He always shared his rations with us.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage M.L. Carr equivalent:
Dae-Hyun Park, 22, graduate student
Seoul, South Korea
No slouch on free throws! The only non-English speaker among us, but he did a really passable M.L. impersonation.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Greg Kite equivalent:
Jessica Swallen, 22, barista
Austin, TX
Jessica was a great sport (she was forced to wear a mustache at all times to resemble Greg Kite), and not bad on free throws. It turns out that she was a big fan of the indie-rock band the October Revolutionists, who she was excited to learn are from Armitage Heights! I hope that my assistant Marisha and her can become friends on Facebook, because they have a lot of interests in common.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Carlos Clark equivalent:
Carlos Clark, 47, high school basketball coach
Naples, FL
Astonishingly, this is the same Carlos Clark that actually played for the Celtics in 1984 -- they managed to kidnap the real one! Carlos kept us sane with his tales of the 1984 Celtics. He should write a book about it!

I am back! And what a tale I have to tell!

2007-09-19T09:55:00.000-06:00

Hello again, everyone!

I am writing you this message from the American consulate in Dubai, UAE, in a nice, cool, air-conditioned office overlooking the Persian Gulf. What a wild few weeks!

My apologies for causing anyone distress over my disappearance. I am safe now, but it was looking bad for a little while.

The truth about where I was is too strange to make up, but the gist of it is this: it turns out the U2-themed tour group that I used is very, very unscrupulous. I probably should have looked a little closer at their licensing. But basically, I was taken into a house I was told belonged to U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr. (it did not), administered powerful drugs, and shipped without my consent from Ireland all the way to Dubai. There, in an underground pleasure prison owned by a wealthy Dublin expatriate on an artificially-constructed Ireland-themed island, I was forced to impersonate Danny Ainge (left) in an all-hostage on-court re-enactment of the 1984 season of the Boston Celtics (that's the year they beat the Lakers in the NBA championship).

It's hard to believe, but it's true.

I couldn't believe my jump shot was still fairly decent, too -- I haven't played much ball since high school (you locals will remember that I was a backbencher for Wihinapa High's 1986 team, the one that lost in the southern regional playoffs to Mesquakie).

This went on for about two weeks -- the Celtics' 1984 season meticulously recreated at gunpoint by a gang of Irish-American roughnecks in the employ of a Dublin billionaire in an underground dungeon decorated to resemble the interior of Boston Garden, right down to the parquet floor. Finally, the man they had playing Kevin Hale, a software engineer from Philadelphia, escaped and alerted the authorities just a few days ago. In the middle of our forced re-enactment of Game 3 against the hostage faux-Lakers, the Dubai Police Force, in collaboration with the Irish Garda Síochána, private investigators hired by local venture capitalist and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz, and Interpol agents, burst in through the skylights and had the entire operation shut down in minutes. Once they did, they joined us on the court for a little pick-up game -- hostage faux-Celtics, Gardas and private investigators vs. hostage faux-Lakers, Interpol agents and Dubai policemen!

Our captor was an Irish businessman and billionaire named Tynan Tiarchnach who owned a mansion on the Ireland island of the so-called "World" project in Dubai (right). It turns out he was wanted in Ireland for tax evasion. He will now be tried in Dubai for human trafficking, and then extradited to Ireland.

Despite all of the dangers -- I endured some serious sleep deprivation, minor abrasions and a torn hamstring from a shot I took up against hostage faux-James Worthy -- I had a truly wonderful time! Dubai is beautiful! The American consulate has been amazing, and there are many exciting business opportunities here that our community may want to explore in the future. Ireland, too, was marvelous, or at least up until the kidnapping. I would encourage everyone to be sure that if they take a U2-themed tour of Ireland or any other country, please use a travel group registered with either a legitimate travel agency or through U2 themselves.

I understand things were quite busy in my absence. with the whole spectacle of the Romney family debacle -- Mitt Romney is calling for my resignation for allowing myself to be kidnapped, which is ridiculous. My assistant Marisha also seems to be enduring some venom from certain quarters of the conservative blogosphere, which is unfortunate. I'll answer these charges when the time comes.

On a side note, Interpol also took the trouble to recover my all time career stats in the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league, so please enjoy them below! I return to Armitage Heights on Saturday, and I will be so glad to be back, serving this fine community as your city councilman!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: An email from Sherman!

2007-09-17T12:16:00.000-06:00

I received this email late last night from Sherman's Facebook page:

m--

i am on an island near dubai right now but safe and healthy, long story,
can't write much now will pass on word later glad to see you are holding
things down apologies for teh brevity

--s

That's all I know so far, but I'll be posting updates as we learn then. He's alive and well, thankfully, and apparently able to use Facebook.

Ted Norlander: "It's a lot like that episode of Thundercats."

2007-09-14T11:15:00.001-06:00

An excerpt from a piece that award-winning memoirist and journalist Ted Norlander wrote for the Free Press this week. Of everything that's been written on Sherman's disappearance, I find it one of the most affecting. It shows yet again why Norlander is one of the most gifted writers of his generation, and even more, that this neighborhood has some of the most talented people in the world living in it. Sherman will be proud when he returns. - Marisha

Yo Sherm, where you at?

It is it not to my liking to have you missing in action for so long. It is not not to my not-liking, at the very least. Not-liking is a powerful and weird impulse. "Dig"? That's what the hippies would say. But these ain't friendly free-love 1967 hippies, no sir; the ones I'm talking about are the furious, the be-ruffled biker denim-pantsed motherfuckers from Altamont and Charlie "Ask Me About The Swastika On My Forehead" Manson. They want blood, and they want it now. When I ask if you "dig", that's the "dig" I'm talking about. Hippie fury, broseph, and that's no metaphor.

Do you remember that episode of Thundercats when Panthro gets lost in the Ro-Bear Berbil Village, and Lion-o and Jagra and Tygra can't find him anywhere, and they fear he has been kidnapped by Mumra and the Jackalmen? But really he just tripped over a rock or a something and he is merely unconscious and being tended to by the Ro-Bears? And there's a tearful reunion at the end when Jagra finds him, and all is right on New Earth again? It reminds me a lot of that. I hope this ending is similar to that ending, because that is what I want -- roll credits, created by Tobin Wolf, copyright 1987, a Lorimar-Telepictures Production, stay tuned for M.A.S.K. And then it's Zappetites for dinner. That is the ending I want.

I used to listen to a lot of Tesla, who were if not a seminal influence on me, than at least seminal-ish. The song lyric I had written all over my Lee jean jacket walking down the ochre-hued hallways of Kendall Park Junior High School was from the excellent "Heaven's Trail (There's No Way Out)," from their equally excellent and criminally underrated Mechanical Resonance, and they went a little something like this: "You know there's nothin' like the real world / To get me down. / Nothin' like the world outside / That turns me upside down / Makes me feel like I'm headin' down a one-way, dead-end street." Ha ha, right? Wrong, bucko. Aside from being an incredibly powerful Marxist critique (or like, whatever) worthy of Roland Barthes, that spring to mind to in this situation, and it might for those who don't even know who the hell Frank Hannon is. What the hell is wrong with me that an important person is missing, and all I can think of is to quote Tesla? All I can think about is Tesla? But Tesla is what is important. Sherman is wearing a Lee jacket covered with song lyrics, too. And he's on his way to find his way out. "Dig"?

This piece has also been excerpted in the New York Times Magazine, Esquire, and Spin. Ted Norlander is also the author of The Shah of Iran Keeps His Cool Side Cool: Essays On the Bloated-Out Carcass of Trans-American Culture In A Period I Do Not Actually Remember Much Of, 1979-1987; They Said Simon Le Bon Was Right and I Have the Stopwatch to Prove It: Seven-and-Three-Fifths Months in the Life of the American Post-Indie Underground; Sorry About the Disco Upstairs: New Critical Essays and Restaurant Placemat Puzzles For the Youth of America, and the recently re-issued Kill Them Again: The Awesome, Screaming Death of Discourse in the U.S.A. and Twelve or Thirteen Other New Half-Truths. His first novel, Hommina Hommina Hommina, will be published by Harper-Collins in early 2008.

Kimball F. Burin: "Sherman is probably looking for a teat to suckle on."

2007-09-11T10:33:00.001-06:00

Legendary local novelist Kimball F. Burin in an interview with Walter Kirn in this week's New York Times Review of Books:

Kirn: The city councilman in your district, who you've written about ["Councilboy Moonface," in the December 2005 issue of Esquire], has been in the news recently, having disappeared in Ireland for a week while on vacation.

Burin: I don't see what the big deal is about this thing. I used to go missing for weeks all the time when I was a young man. Hell, I disappeared for five weeks in the god-damned deserts of Arizona or New Mexico or somewhere in 1956, and when I was finished, I just wandered back into my home in Kendall Park, and [third wife] Sarah was waiting for me, and that was that. Not only that, I managed to find time to write four novels about the whole god-damned experience [Tender Mercies, Christ In Tahoe, Here Comes the Evening, Never to Return].

Kirn: Yes, the Desert Quadrology. Those aren't necessarily...

Burin: Hell, I disappeared for a month in the Tarawa Atoll for three months -- I was living in a rusted-out Japanese water tower and killing god-damned howler monkeys with my bare hands so I could eat their brains. You know, the islanders thought that the brains had a special power, a sort of primitive atavistic magic, so I would rub the gray matter all over my face and go tearing through the jungle in my skivvies and scaring the hell out of the god-damned Krauts or lemurs or whoever. So my point is I don't know what the bally-hoo is about. Sherman is just another infantilized boy-man tied to his mother's apron strings, and probably wandering around Ireland looking for a teat to suckle. Maybe this will finally coerce him to grow a pair, if he isn't holed up with a commune of Irish hookers with a mothering festish, which he probably is. By the time I was his age, I'd already had three wives and killed nineteen men. What's he done, besides stain the marble floors in City Hall bright yellow with his boy-scented terror-piss?

Kaos Krew: "Our Dublin posse are on the case, yo."

2007-09-08T15:57:00.000-06:00

Music video director, model and fashion designer L'il Warsaw of the Kaos Kollective, formerly known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew.

A news bulletin from the Kaos Krew's new website:

It is with heavy heartz that we learned recently of Councilman Sherman Larson's disappearance, right in the backyard of our adopted homeland of Great Britain. Though we had our differencez with Sherman while we still lived in Armitage Heightz, we always thought of him as a man whose authority we could respect. It is because of his ceaseless attention into getting the word out about our street art that we began our rise to international superstardom. We pray to the one true God that he will turn up soon.

We have also mobilized our Irish crew to comb the streetz of Dubtown to turn him up. We got some krazy konnectionz there. The least we can do is lend a hand of support to the brave men and women of the Irish police force that are working so tirelessly to locate Sherman.

Finally, we will be travelling to Dubtown ourselvez to sponsor a benefit concert called SHERMAN WHERE U @ Fest 2007, headlined by our good friends Tricky, the Arctic Monkeys, Common, Goldie, Simon Le Bon, Michel Gondry, Kate Moss, Massive Attack, the Editors, Shepard Fairey, Phillip Glass, Amy Winehouse, RZA, Bloc Party, Razorlight, Nas, Pete Doherty, Kaiser Chiefs, the Streets, Lily Allen, the Go Team, the Chemical Brothers featuring Noel Gallagher, Art Brut, Jonny Greenwood, Primal Scream, Basement Jaxx, Tracey Emin, Damon Albarn, GZA, Snow Patrol, Supergrass, Stella McCartney, Jenny Saville, M.I.A., Bianca Jagger, Julian Casablancas, Ash, Jarvis Cocker, Ms. Dynamite, Guy Ritchie, John Lurie, Slick Rick, Damian Hirst, the Pet Shop Boys, Dirty Pretty Things, Scott Walker, Stereo MCs, Marc Jacobs, David Beckham, Dizzee Rascal, Martin Bashir, Mark E. Smith, Vivienne Westwood, Kasabian, Chloe Sevigny, the Chapman Brothers, Peter O'Toole, Timbaland, Damo Suzuki, Futura 2000, Lady Sovereign, Yelloman, Goldfrapp, Starsailor, Joss Stone, Todd Oldham, Monie Love, Craig David, Malcolm McLaren, Martin Amis, Super Furry Animals, Kelis, the Doves, Andrew Ridgeley, Manic Street Preachers, Matthew Barney, So Solid Crew, Vincent Gallo, the Dandy Warhols, Keane, Fela Kuti, John Cale, Sporty Spice, Dr. Alex Patterson of the Orb, Mos Def, MC Lyte, Peter and Gordon, Pete Best, Chad and Jeremy, Heavy D & the Boyz, Peter Gabriel, Mark Ecko, Lady Pink, and a few very special guests, including the amazing Muse featuring KRS-One with Lou Reed on drums. Please visit the website for more details, and to learn how you can help us find our friend.

Peace out.

Rockwell Katz: "My zeppelin fleet will find Sherman."

2007-09-07T09:47:00.000-06:00

Internet mogul and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz.

Marisha here -- your letters, emails and notes have been flooding the office since the news of Councilman Larson's disappearance in Ireland last week. We're keeping a live feed of updates from Dublin at Sherman's official City Council website. Commissioner Noel Conroy of Garda Síochána, the Irish national police force, has expressed hope that Sherman is probably just lost somewhere.

There have been many events scheduled in the next few days to raise money and awareness, and hopefully help lead to Sherman's recovery.

A Battle of the U2 Cover Bands Benefit Concert will be held tomorrow night at 9:00 PM at the Evarts Avenue Tavern, featuring some of the metro area's best U2 cover bands, like Unforgettable Fire, 40 Foot Lemon, The Francis Gary Powers Experience, Mothers of the Disappeared, Gloria and the Octobers, U3 and Love Is A Temple. The Evarts Avenue Tavern is located at 3809 E. Evarts Avenue in Armitage Heights.

GoSystemsCorp.com Zeppelinarium CEO Rockwell Katz also held a press conference yesterday, announcing his initiative to comb the Irish countryside with four of his new zeppelins in hopes of locating Sherman. "Zeppelins are the ideal tool for locating missing persons," he said. "They are high in the air and slow-moving, allowing for careful and thorough observation of the ground before." Katz then pointed out that zeppelins have assisted in the recovery of over one dozen missing persons since 1916. "There is a tradition here that I will help carry on into the new century."

Below is a graphic Katz presented at the press conference, and a photo of his lead zeppelin, the U.S.S. GoSystemsCorp.com. He mentioned that this undertaking will cost "probably in the ballpark of $75 million" of his own fortune. I reminded Katz later that Sherman actually voted against granting him a license to open his zeppelinarium, and he just laughed.

"Zeppelins aren't about bad feelings from the past, Marisha," he said. Then he paused. "Well, actually, they are, which is exactly why I'm doing this. A man is in trouble, and the least I can do is use my resources to help find him and bring him back. What is it I have? Zeppelins, that's what."

So I guess once Katz's injunction to legally bring a zeppelin into the European Union goes through, and the zeppelins are shipped to Dublin and launched from an as-yet-unconstructed zeppelinarium, he will be on his way to making Sherman the first missing person located with the assistance of a zeppelin since 1940.

Ireland searches for Sherman.

2007-09-05T20:45:00.000-06:00

The Dublin apartment and childhood home of U2 bassist Larry Mullen Jr., where Sherman Larson was last seen.

From the BBC's website :

A search has been launched for US politician Sherman Larson, who went missing in Dublin following a tour on Thursday.

Mr Larson was reportedly last seen with his tour group at the childhood home of U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr.

Both the police and Mr Larson's tour company say they still have no leads about the missing politician.

Mr Larson, a city council member from the American city of Mishipeshu, was visiting Ireland on a three-week tour themed around the Irish rock band U2.

His assistant, Marisha Ferguson, filed a missing persons' report with the American embassy in Dublin on Sunday, saying no-one had heard from Mr Larson since Thursday evening.

Mr Larson represents the Armitage Heights neighborhood of Mishipeshu, perhaps best known for its zeppelinarium and large Esperanto-speaking community.

Ms Ferguson herself has come under scrutiny in the US media recently for expelling former Massachusetts governor and US presidential candidate Mitt Romney's children from Mr Larson's home. Mr Romney issued a statement today wishing for "a speedy return for Councilman Larson," but also hinted that Ms Ferguson has fabricated the story to "distract from her awful behavior regarding my boys."

In a press conference today, Commissioner Noel Conroy of Garda Síochána, the Irish national police force, expressed confidence that Mr Larson was "alive and well and would be located very soon."

Mr Mullen expressed his hope on behalf of U2 that Mr Larson would "turn up soon," and stressed the tour group was "in no way affiliated with or endorsed by U2 or its members."

Ms Ferguson had no comments for the media.

Friday local blog round-up.

2007-08-31T07:41:00.001-06:00

Hi everyone, Marisha here. Well, it's been an interesting couple of days here in the neighborhood, as you may have read. Mitt Romney and his damn Rod and Tod Flanders kids have managed to demonize me in the national spotlight, and the neighborhood is in turmoil as the late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski lies in state.

Sherman appears to be unreachable in Ireland for the near future, and his replacement blogger, Councilman Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward) refuses to execute his duties -- he's still upset about the Romney thing, which is his fault anyway. So it appears to be left to me to fill in and hope Sherman is back soon.

Here, then, are some links to a wide range of excellent local blogs for you to enjoy over the three-day weekend. They really show off some of the talent in our local blogging community.

...From My Cold Dead Hands: State Rep. Brooks: is he our Joseph Stalin?
the many lives of jennifer b.: my acupuncturist is a whore
Cinematters.net: I still can't believe Ingmar Bergman and Michaelangelo Antonioni died on the same day
Armitage Heights Shopping Blog: The hidden gems of Fairchild Parkway-U.S. Highway 73
kiss my grits: some cool ideas for new parking meters
Emoscreamodreamo: Upon All the Living and the Dead are the new I Promise To See You Die And I Will
The Kendall Parker: There's no good grocery stores on Stanton Avenue.
Faithblog: Remembering late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski.
WMSH6.com: Who was late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski?
Armitage Heights Fress Press: The secret last wishes of late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski
Strikethrough: Late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski in his own words.
Mr. Destructo: The many outrages of late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski.

"Liberals like Marisha Ferguson are what's wrong with America."

2007-08-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

An excerpt from Mitt Romney's speech before the Southern Nevada Young Republicans Association in Henderson, Nevada yesterday afternoon. - Marisha

"What's the Democrats' vision for America? I'll tell you, because my five sons got to meet her last week in person -- maybe you heard."

[laughter]

"Oh, there she is!"

[image of Marisha Ferguson appears on screen behind Governor Romney.]

[boos]

"The Democrats' vision for America is a know-it-all leftist graduate student on a government paycheck, with no real skills, making arbitrary decisions about who and who isn't welcome in their community. Well, I've got news for you, Marisha Ferguson -- your actions speak volumes about you and the party you represent. You know, these people say the problem is with America. People like Marisha, they see America as some awful, embarrassing problem to be solved. Well that's not the America I know. I'll tell you what the real problem is -- not America, but liberals like Marisha Ferguson. Elitist, imperious liberals like Marisha Ferguson are what's wrong with America."

[raucous applause]

The Romney wars continue.

2007-08-28T08:36:00.000-06:00

Marisha here. Well, what to say. Things are taking a sort of rough turn here at Sherman's place.

I actually had to physically kick the Romney brothers out of Sherman's house where they were staying. I haven't heard from Sherman in Ireland since last Thursday, and can't seem to get ahold of him. The Romneys were out of control, and someone had to do something. Cleaning the bathrooms and blaring the Killers 24/7 was bad, but it got worse when they started rifling through Sherman's personal belongings. I came in to check up on them Sunday night, and they had removed all of the coffee, tea and alcohol out of the kitchen and were pouring it down a storm drain the backyard, and even worse, removing all the of the books from the living room they found offensive.

"Look at this," yelled Biff (or Jake, or Jeff, or whichever one it was) at me, waving a copy of Kimball Burin's account of his 1973 Senate campaign Slaughter of the Innocents in my face. "This filth! You people actually elected this guy to public office? He's a socialist! This is the kind of trash my dad is going to clean up when he's elected President!"

They were removing handfuls of books and DVDs and taking them out to the curb. They had actually stripped the top layer of porcelain off of the bathtub because they were scrubbing it so vigorously. One of them -- I think Skip Romney -- had actually gone to the Home Depot in Seabridge and had purchased a posthole digger, a bunch of lumber and whitewash, intending to build a white picket fence in Sherman's yard.

And the Killers. Looping. Looping. Looping...

I told them it was time for them to get the hell out, that Sherman hadn't invited them anyway, and they could go stay with Reeves Sinderman in his suburban McMansion.

Biff (or Alex, or Eric, or whoever) accused me of being an unclean foul-mouthed Jezebel.

But those Romney boys are a polite bunch, if nothing else, and shuffled out the door back into their SUVs and drove off. I left a message with Megan Van Deest, Reeves Sinderman's assistant, that I had sent the Romneys off, and they were her problem now. She called me a lesbian. It turns out the Romneys called their dad, and Mitt flew them back to Massachusetts that night.

I wish that I could have gotten Sherman's OK on this, since it's his house, but I haven't heard from him. He seems to be off the grid. I have no idea where he could be in Ireland that would put him out of touch for so long, but I hope to hear from him soon.

All the news vans that were covering unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski's funeral in Little Warsaw have now sped across the neighborhood, and are camped outside, covering what the right-wing blogs have taken to calling "the Mitt-Sherman blood feud." I've heard that Mitt Romney is preparing a statement about how his poor boys were treated here in Armitage Heights.

"Poor boys." Really. I don't care how handsome and cleancut those "boys" are: you don't invite yourself into someone's house without their permission, set up an operations headquarters, use their phones to raise money to combat gay marriage and socialized medicine on behalf of your rich handsome dad, clean people's bathrooms, toss out their caffeinated drinks, blare crappy Mormon rock groups on their stereos, construct white picket fences in their backyard for photo-ops, and throw their 1970s-era New Journalism anthologies out onto the streets because you don't like them. If thinking that makes me a lesbian, than I guess that's what I am.

I am going to sleep now.

2007-08-26T10:55:00.001-06:00

Above: Supporters of late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski hold a candlelight vigil near his former home in Kendall Park last night.

Unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, 1971-2007.

2007-08-25T17:25:00.000-06:00

Unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, a local activist, public speaker and massage therapist, passed away of natural causes last Friday at his home in Kendall Park. He was 36.

Wisniewski is perhaps best remembered for his role and later acquittal in the Winter Parade disturbances of 2006.

He had a private funeral on Wednesday, and will be interred at Stanislaus of Szczepanów Catholic Cemetary in Little Warsaw tomorrow.

Marisha here: I am taking a stand against Romney brothers, unsolicited bathroom decorations and the Killers.

2007-08-24T20:15:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone, Marisha here. It is Friday night and I am going completely crazy. The Romney brothers are staying (uninvited) in Sherman's house, and he has requested I check up on them. I am -- I ride over on my scooter twice a day, and always expect the worst. It is hellish.

But it's hellish in a much different way than I am used to. I remember when I was in college I used to live in a loft in the Cassock District with a roommate that dated L'il Warsaw from the Kaos Krew for awhile, and those guys would come over and trash the place and listen 3rd Bass and House of Pain and all those other rap groups that used to have siren sound effects in all of their songs.

It's not hellish in that way.

I think it may be worse. It's more insidious. The Romney brothers -- Biff (right), Jake and I forget the names of the other three, Skip or Jason or Toby or something -- keep blaring the Killers, on a loop, all day and night, and they keep reminding me, over and over, that the Killers are LDS, just like them.

There are hardcover copies of A Mormon in the White House?: 10 Things Every American Should Know about Mitt Romney by Hugh Hewitt on every flat surface.

They spend all day making phone calls to wealthy Republican donors in the 8th and 14th wards, and cleaning Sherman's bathroom. I mean, cleaning it all of the time. Without his permission. Look, here is a picture of Sherman's bathroom:

Did I mention the Killers? I am serious. All day and night. It's even the same song. "Read My Mind."

They want to write "guest blog entries" about their dad and market-based solutions to the health care crisis and the Boston Red Sox and A Mormon in the White House?: 10 Things Every American Should Know about Mitt Romney by Hugh Hewitt. I told them no way. They have their own blog. This blog is for the 3rd ward. Councilman Sinderman has threatened legal action against me and keeps spreading rumors that I am a bisexual vegan socialist (only a third true), but I don't care. Megan Van Deest keeps hanging around flirting with the Romneys even though they've all been married to nice Utah girls since they were 20, and keeps trying to needle me about her going to Vassar and how I stayed in Mishipeshu to go to the University here instead, and is just generally acting unbearable in the sort of way that only a Vassar girl can act unbearable (and overlay that with the fact that she is psychotic about the "free market" in a way I didn't know people were anymore). I haven't even seen Reeves Sinderman for a week.

So I changed the Blogger password, and I am locking the five Romneys and Megan Van Deest and Reeves Sinderman out until Sherman is back from Ireland.

And that is that.

ON THE SCENE! With my assistant Megan

2007-08-22T13:29:00.000-06:00

Hello, my name is Megan Van Deest. I am executive assistant and office specialist for Councilman Reeves Sinderman, who is filling for Councilman Sherman Larson this month (I was also recently hired by Biff Romney as Treasurer for the Mishipeshans For Mitt Romney campaign steering committee, which is also temporarily located here in the 3rd Ward, in Councilman Larson's residence, in fact).

The regular author of this feature, Marisha Ferguson, seems to be busy with her duties (such as they are) around the neighborhood, so Councilman Sinderman has asked me to write this feature for the week. I haven't seen Marisha around much, but I hope she knows that she is welcome around Romney HQ. We certainly don't hold it against her that she is a member of the ACLU or a bisexual. The Romney campaign welcomes people of all backgrounds in our fight for a stronger America. After all, the Romney Brothers are a diverse bunch of guys themselves, and remember that they grew up in Boston, which is almost as liberal as Armitage Heights.

My area of expertise is in International Politics and Political Theory, particularly in regards to the work of Leo Strauss and Irving Kristol. So please forgive me if I don't quite have the same beat on the local music scene that Marisha does. I spent my college years generally away from the music scene at Vassar, so I've missed out on these sorts of things. I remember back in Poughkeepsie there was a band at one of the downtown clubs we used to see once in awhile. They did a few very good Nelly Furtado covers.

But there seem to be a lot of bands here, although many of them seem obscene or inflammatory in a way that doesn't reflect well on this neighborhood. I mean, I am no prude myself. I love all kinds of music, from hip-hop to country, but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of using a City Council blog as a platform for privileged, angry middle-class liberals to mouth off about societal forces they don't have a real understanding of. Therefore, I have elected not to post show information by bands like the October Revolutionists, who are named for Marxists anyway.

I haven't been to any concerts since I've been home, but maybe I'll check a few of these out:

The Rockers for Romney benefit will be held at Cliff's Tavern this Friday evening at 6703 Kendall Parkway near State Highway 82. I know that's a little out of the way from the 3rd Ward proper, but well worth the drive. HedRush, Galaxxxy and Linger will be performing, beginning at 8:30 P.M., and concluding by 11:00 P.M.

HedRush will also be performing here in Armitage Heights at Spike's Gaslight Pub, located at 5200 Stanton Avenue South. I have been very impressed with their demo tape. It's very cool.

I hope this helps you plan for the weekend.

So...I have houseguests!

2007-08-16T10:50:00.000-06:00

Sherman here, everyone! I've just been at an internet pub in Dublin enjoying a Guinness and reflecting back on an exciting afternoon of visiting Bono's primary school and hearing his second form English teacher speak, when I decided to check in with the old "blog" to see how things are going back in Armitage Heights.

And imagine my surprise to learn that I have five houseguests in my absence! What a surprise! As you can see, I was so surprised I spilled my Guinness all over the table and on my "Rattle and Hum" t-shirt (my new friend, tour buddy and fellow U2 fan Jon from Pittsburgh snapped this photo above).

Romney brothers! All five! In my house!

Wow!

This is very unexpected! And exciting!

I know they're all good boys, so I'm sure they'll take care of things just fine. Still, I am sure my assistant Marisha will be checking in on them just to be sure everything is OK.

Maybe Marisha will even be checking in with them twice a day to be certain everything is going OK!

Anyway, I've sent the boys a welcome email, and I hope that Councilman Sinderman passed on the instructions for feeding my favorite pal Hubert.

I certainly can't wait to get back to the neighborhood and have a talk with Reeves about this fascinating development!

Special election update, with guest blogger Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward)

2007-08-16T09:15:00.000-06:00

Greetings, faithful Clarion readers. As you may have read, I will be taking over this blog for Councilman Larson this month while he is on his privately-funded vacation to the English Isles.

Councilman Larson has also asked to me stay in his house in Wihinapa in his home ward while he is away. He had mentioned that I am free to do as I wish with it in his absence, so I have decided to take this opportunity to use the house for a critically important civic function that I am certain Councilman Larson would approve of.

As you know, the legislature has voted to move the state's 2008 primaries up to February, along with South Carolina, New Hampshire and Iowa. As a result, this has become a very important and hotly-contested battleground state in the upcoming presidential elections. Of course, Pierce County and the metro area represents a significant portion of the state's electorate, and with a booming Republican population explosion in our suburbs and exurbs. This includes my own district, the 8th Ward, where I was the first Republican elected in over 30 years. It's an exciting time to be a Republican in the metro right now, and many of the Republican presidential candidates have been visiting recently to learn about the great projects we've got going here, and to get the word out about their campaigns.

Of all of the candidates running, I myself have been deeply impressed with Mitt Romney. He has the vision, candor and strength of determination to lead our country in these dangerous times. So when I found that he was hoping to set up a campaign basecamp here, I jumped at the opportunity to help out. I threw a fundraiser last week at my own home in Croxton, and was glad to meet both Romney and his amazingly gorgeous wife Ann, but also his five articulate and bright grown children: Biff Romney, Scott Romney, Brian Romney, Eric Romney and Mark Romney. We had a grand time together, and was impressed with these young men's dedication to serving their country by campaigning with their dad (here's a picture of Mitt, Ann, Biff, Scott and one of the other ones at my house).

So I decided to offer my services. Councilman Larson will be gone from his house for a whole month, and it's a nice house, so I've decided to offer up Sherman's residence as a sort of Romney brothers "base camp" for these fine young men to use for the next few weeks while they work to get the word out about their dad's campaign in Armitage Heights. And this is nothing if not a neighborhood that needs to hear the good news that these cleancut, patriotic young men are putting out there.

I'll be inviting Biff, Scott, Brian, Eric and Mark to post occassionally here -- nothing too partisan, just some thoughts about this great neighborhood while they're working here. I think they will have great fun staying in Sherman's house and taking care of it in his absence, and about their adventures working to make the 3rd Ward a better place.

So welcome to Armitage Heights, Romney brothers!

Vacation: Greetings from Dublin!

2007-08-14T10:27:00.000-06:00

Hello, and greetings from DUBLIN, IRELAND! I can't write much, as I am using an internet pub on Grafton Street (and enjoying a delicious Guinness).

I arrived yesterday, and have been having a marvelous time. The tour guides are great, and it's very exciting to be meeting so many other Americans interested in U2. Our first stop today was at the National Museum Of U2 Art nearby on Grafton Street, which was remarkable. To the left is an outstanding painting I saw (I purchased a print for the office which I have shipped back -- at my own expense, of course -- to Marisha. Marisha, do you think we could put it over your desk in the reception area? It's about 3'x4'.). There was much more like it, including a full-size marble statue of Adam Clayton, and an impressive collection of The Edge's hats and bandanas over the years. He never seems to be without one!

We have a very full itinerary today, so I'd better get a move. We're taking a bus to see Bono's house in Killiney, and then the graveyard where Larry Mullen, Jr.'s grandmother is buried.

In the meantime, I representing our hometown well. I brought about thirty copies of the new October Revolutionists' album, which I hope to give to the Mr. Seamus Brennan, TD, the Irish Minister of Arts, Sports and Tourism. We'll be meeting him later in the week, and he'll give a short talk on the significance of Achtung Baby on Irish culture. I hope to schedule a few minutes with him afterwards to talk about some possible cross-cultural exchange program in the future. Perhaps we can appoint our own secretary of culture for our neighborhood.

I've enjoyed the posts from Reeves, as well! Be sure to email him and tell him what a great job he's doing in my absence!

City Council update, with guest blogger Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward)

2007-08-11T11:19:00.000-06:00

Greeting, faithful Clarion readers. As you may have read, I will be taking over this blog for Councilman Larson this month while he is on his privately-funded vacation in England retracing the footsteps of noted philanthropist Bono and his U-2 rock and roll band.

I have been reviewing Councilman Larson's previous posts, and I must say I am very surprised at what I have found. I had expected more updates from City Council meetings, practical community information relating to road closings and zoning ordinances, and other related matters. I know that the 3rd Ward and Armitage Heights is perhaps the most counter-cultural and youth-oriented group of neighborhoods in the metro, and that "Spin" magazine does not write articles on negotiations with municipal water service providers, but this is the business of our neighborhood, and if I may be permitted to editorialize for a moment, it deserves just as much attention as glowing write-ups on noted local rock and roll bands.

In that spirit, today's post will be a summary of the last City Council meeting's minutes, the sort of thing Councilman Larson has not typically been posting. I hope you will find them as informative as the types of posts you have been accustomed to reading about Oriental tacos and neighborhood Marxist film festivals. Please do not hesitate to contact me at reeves.sinderman@mishcitycouncil.gov with any questions or concerns.

Now, your City Council minutes:

The following items were acted on by one motion. No separate discussion or action occurred on any of the items. The consent items were approved on Council Member Remwick’s motion, Councilwoman Platt second on a 13-0 vote.

1. Approval of the minutes of the Mishipeshu City Council from the regularly scheduled meeting of July 28, 2007.
The minutes from the meeting of July 21, 2007 were approved.

2. Approve an ordinance authorizing negotiation and execution of a second amendment to the existing Water Cost Reimbursement Agreement with Harrison Pierce, L.P. to change the cost reimbursement payment schedule for both Phase One and Phase Two on the construction of a 24-inch water main and appurtenances with a cost not to exceed $3,428,000 to provide water service to the Harrison Pierce Tract located in the south corner of the Stanton Parkway and Gresham Road; and to waive the requirements of Section 25-9-67 of the City Code relating to cost reimbursement payments. No impact to the Capital Budget of the Mishipeshu Water Utility. To be reviewed by both the Water and Wastewater Commission and the Environmental Board on May 16, 2007. Recommended by the Water and Wastewater Commission.
Ordinance No. 20070517-002 was approved.

3. Approve an ordinance authorizing negotiation and execution of an amendment to the existing Wastewater Cost Reimbursement Agreement with Harrison Pierce, L.P., to increase the amount of City cost reimbursement for construction of an 18-inch and 30-inch wastewater main and appurtenances to provide wastewater service to the Harrison Pierce Tract located in the south corner of the Stanton Parkway and Gresham Road intersection for a new total actual construction cost for wastewater improvements not to exceed $3,696,000, and for the professional services costs for engineering, design and project management only for the original design, the aerial crossing design and the new wastewater tunnel alignment in an amount not to exceed $774,999, and cost reimbursement of the pump and haul operations in an amount not to exceed $150,000, increasing the original Council approval amount by $3,287,259 for a new overall total amount not to exceed $4,620,999; and waiving the requirements of Section 25-9-63 of the City Code relating to amount of cost reimbursement, waiving the requirements of Section 25-9-67 of the City Code relating to the schedule for cost reimbursement payments. Funding in the amount of $3,287,259 is included in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Improvement Budget of the Mishipeshu Water Utility. To be reviewed by both the Water and Wastewater Commission and the Environmental Board on May 16, 2007. Recommended by the Water and Wastewater Commission and the Environmental Board
Ordinance No. 20070517-003 was approved.

4. Amend the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Department of Aviation Capital Budget of Ordinance No. 20060911-002 to appropriate $1,750,000 for the Baggage Handling System Improvements and the Security System Upgrade. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Fund of the Department of Aviation. Recommended by the Airport Advisory Commission.
Ordinance No. 20070517-004 was approved.

5. Authorize acceptance of grant funds in the amount of $71,147 from the United States Federal Emergency Management Agency, Department of Homeland Security, Assistance to Firefighters Grant Program for Fire Prevention and Safety; and amend the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Mishipeshu Fire Department Operating Budget Special Revenue Fund of Ordinance No. 20060911-001 to appropriate $71,147 for the purpose of purchasing smoke alarms and publicizing the availability of these resources to a targeted population. Funding is available from the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), Department of Homeland Security, Assistance to Firefighters Grant Fire Safety and Prevention Program. An in-kind match of $17,787 is required and available in the Mishipeshu Fire Department Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget. The grant period is April 13, 2007 to April 12, 2008. There is no unanticipated fiscal impact.
Ordinance No. 20070517-005 was approved.

6. Approve an amendment to the professional service agreement with Harrison Pierce, L.L.P., Mishipeshu, HU, in an amount not to exceed $170,000, for a total contract amount not to exceed $340,000, for legal counsel related to the City's Minority-Owned and Women-Owned Business Enterprise Program (MBE/WBE), including an updated availability and disparity study of minority-owned and women-owned businesses. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budgets of various General Fund and Enterprise Fund Departments.
The motion authorizing an amendment to the professional service agreement was approved.

7. Authorize negotiation and execution of an amendment to an outside counsel contract with Cox Smith Matthews, Mishipeshu, HU, for legal services related to City of Mishipeshu v. Knox Readwell, et al.; Cause No. 2403 in the County Court at Law No. 1 in Pierce County, Huron, in an amount of $50,000, for a total contract amount not to exceed $240,000. (concerns the City's condemnation case) Funding in the amount of $25,000 is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget of the Mishipeshu Convention Center and funding in the amount of $25,000 is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget of Mishipeshu Energy.
The motion authorizing the negotiation and execution of an amendment to an outside counsel contract was approved.

8. Authorize acceptance of grant funds in the amount of $8,000 from the State of Huron Governor's Division of Emergency Management, Fiscal Year 2007 Emergency Management Performance Grant Program; and amend the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Public Safety and Emergency Management Department Operating Budget Special Revenue Fund of Ordinance No. 20060911-001 to appropriate $8,000 to improve the City of Mishipeshu's mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery capabilities. Funding is available from the State of Huron, Governor's Division of Emergency Management. An in-kind match of $122,000 is required and included in the Public Safety and Emergency Management Department Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget. The grant period is October 1, 2006 to September 30, 2007. There is no unanticipated fiscal impact.
Ordinance No. 20070517-008 was approved.

9. Authorize an Interlocal Agreement between the City of Mishipeshu and Pierce County, in the amount of $5,800 per month, for funding a sixth Forensic Chemist Full Time Employee who will perform drug analysis at the Mishipeshu Police Department Forensic Science Division Laboratory. Funding for a sixth forensic chemist will be provided by Pierce County on a reimbursement basis at the rate of $5,800 per month; compensation for partial months will be prorated.
The motion authorizing an interlocal agreement was approved.

10. Approve a resolution authorizing the fee simple acquisition of Lot 23, Block J, Onion Creek Forest, Section 2, Amended Plat, a subdivision in Pierce County, Huron, located at 6908 Onion Crossing Court from Alice Hellstrom for the Gresham Creek Voluntary Flood Buyout-FEMA-1606-DR Project, in the amount of $35,000 for the land and improvements and $29,550 in owner assisted relocation benefits, plus moving related expenses not to exceed $10,000, for a total amount not to exceed $74,550. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Budget of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department.
Resolution No. 20070517-011 was approved.

11. Approve a resolution authorizing the fee simple acquisition of Lot 5, Block H, Gersham Creek Forest, Section 2, Amended Plat, a subdivision in Pierce County, Huron, located at 6906 Onion Crossing Drive, from Emma Harvey for the Gresham Creek Voluntary Flood Buyout-FEMA-1606-DR Project, in the amount of $40,000 for the land and improvements and $54,500 in owner assisted relocation benefits, plus moving related expenses not to exceed $10,000, for a total amount not to exceed $104,500. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Budget of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department.
Resolution No. 20070517-012 was approved.

12. Approve a resolution authorizing the fee simple acquisition for the Mishipeshu Clean Water Program: Govalle 1- West of Ellis Area Wastewater Project for a temporary working space easement comprising 127 square-feet of land and a temporary ingress and egress easement comprising 22,806 square feet of land out of a portion of Lot 31, Block A, Wallingwood Section II-A P.U.D., a subdivision in Pierce County, HU, located at 2800 Barton's Bluff Lane, from UDR Huron Properties, L.P., in an amount not to exceed $52,200. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Improvement Budget of the Mishipeshu Water Utility. Recommended by the Water and Wastewater Commission.
Resolution No. 20070517-013 was approved.

Greetings from Councilman Sinderman.

2007-08-10T15:46:00.000-06:00

Hello to all of you loyal Clarion readers. I'm Reeves Sinderman, the City Council representative from the 8th Ward, and I'll be taking over for Sherman while he is on his vacation to England. I'll try to keep on my toes as far as keeping you current with some of the important cultural and community-related goings-on in your neighborhood.

In the meantime, was surprised that Sherman had not yet posted the City Council's annual budget report as it related to Armitage Heights, so I am posting links to the PDF from the city website here.

Councilman Larson's assistant Marisha is telling me that this blog is often used for posting community cultural events like musical performances. Rest assured that I am having my assistant Megan put together a detailed list of performances by local musicians at this time with venue information, times and lengths of performances. I will hope to have this information posted by tomorrow.

I have a whole range of interesting subjects related to the 3rd Ward I'll be covering in the next two weeks on this blog, including questions about land use policy in the Armitage Avenue corridor, minutes from the Zoning Appeal Commission, news from the Auditing Department, pensions and annuities information related to governmental workers at the Metro Government Centers, updates from municipal energy and water service providers, oversight issues regarding the registry division of the Public Works Department, programmatic changes regarding the Committee on Post Audit, technical education policy, and community reinvestment in Little Warsaw, so please stay tuned.

Have a safe and pleasant weekend.

Time for "One" great vacation...and a guest blogger!

2007-08-10T08:38:00.000-06:00

This guy might be my tour guide!

Well, my goodness, what a busy few weeks! My apologies for not writing recently, but the middle of summer is a surprisingly busy time around City Hall. The last session of the council wrapped up, but summer is the time for renovations and repair work around the building. So if you can believe it, I've been working over a tarp for three weeks straight!

August, though, is traditionally time for a vacation around City Hall, and it's my plan to leave for it this weekend. I have to brag a little, though, because I am so thrilled about this one: I'll be taking a U2-themed tour of Ireland! As you probably know, I am a big, big fan of U2 (their hard-hitting anthems of social justice were what got me interested in politics to begin with), and when I saw that this company in Dublin was offering exclusive tours of their homeland for fans of the band, I just had to take the opportunity! The tour begins in Dublin, where I'll be seeing the primary school where Bono met the Edge, the rock clubs where they got their start, and the pubs that they frequented as they set out to change the world of rock and roll -- and the world itself -- forever! I am so excited I can hardly believe it! I'll be sure to send back lots of pictures, and maybe post a few times if I have the chance.

But if I can't, you'll be in good hands with these two people:

Your (temporary!) guide to Armitage Heights: Reeves Sinderman and his assistant Megan.

I am pleased to announce that my colleague Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward) will be filling in for me while I'm away here at the Clarion. As you know, Reeves represents the 8th Ward, which is comprised of the Croxton, Mount Gresham, Seabridge, Ostegwan and East Pond District neighborhoods in the east metro, right on the edge of Pierce County. He will be given a helping hand by his assistant Megan Van Deest, who recently moved back to her hometown after graduating magna cum laude with a political science degree at Vassar (and also leading their women's forensics team to three consecutive national championships!). Reeves lives in Croxton, but he will actually be staying at my house in Wihinapa for the duration of my vacation. So I anticipate some fascinating "blogging" about our wonderful neighborhood from the perspective of a non-resident!

My assistant Marisha will still be around, too, so maybe she'll be posting here and there about anything exciting around the neighborhood. I'm hoping that perhaps Megan and her can do some joint posts about some of the challenges of being a twentysomething in the city. She and Marisha are two of the best and brightest our metro area has to offer!

So with that, may I say "cheers," and see you in Ireland!

Put your thinking -- and learning -- caps on!

2007-07-25T17:01:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the Thursday night summer lecture series at the Hanley Community Center. As always, the center has lined up some great speakers, discoursing on a wide range of fascinating topics. The schedule for the season is as follows:

7/26 - "Too Much God-Damned Cobblestone: Armitage Heights, In The Words of Its Best-Loved Edwardian Recluses," by Dr. Peter Wicklund, professor of history and popular psychology at the University of Mishipeshu

8/2 - "Here Comes The Tickle Monster!," presented by Pelzi Engwall, M.Ed.

8/9 - "Why I Am An Ayatollah," presented by unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski (part of the Mishipeshu Public Radio's Voices of Faith series)

8/16 - "Kill 'Em All And Let L. Ron Sort Them Out: Scientology Separatists and the Threat to Our Way of Life," presented by Dr. Bernie Freeman, founder, The Freeman Free Man Institute

8/23 - "Peak Physical Condition: An Erotic History of Olympic Villages, 1932-2004," co-presented by contemporary erotic historian Dr. Andrew Wogan

All lectures begin at 7 PM. They are always free and open to the public. A brief question-and-answer session will follow each lecture.

The Hanley Community Center is located at 3704 South Armitage Avenue, across the street from St. Amor of Aquitaine Catholic Church. Call them at (436) 283-1093, or visit them on the web at http://www.hanleycommunity.org/.

Man Vs. God Vs. Starwood Hotels: Why I'm Voting "No."

2007-06-28T20:13:00.000-06:00

Man Vs. God Memorial Park -- in development plans, this portion would be incorporated into the pillars for the interior for a Wolfgang Puck restaurant.

When I came into the office this morning, there was much to be done. My assistant Marisha was already hard at work typing up the minutes from my meeting with the Esperanto District Retailers' Council (a.k.a. the Konsilantaro Detalisto Esperanto) from yesterday, which is never easy work, since Chairman Weaver still insists on delivering his remarks in Esperanto, and the city won't pay for Marisha to take lessons, so she has to transcribe the meeting phonetically, and then attempt to translate her notes back into English. There was an update from the Metro Council 3rd Ward Porter Weiss Memorial Novelist Laureate Search Task Force, which is nearing a decision after months of deliberation. There were noise complaints from the residental pockets off Stanton Avenue in the Cassock District near the Lakesider again from the recent "screamo" bill headlined by I Promise To See You Die And I Will show. There was indeed much to tackle.

But I could only think of one thing.

It was a remarkable dream I had last night. Marisha is standing over me begging me not to mention this, but it was too powerful not to share.

This is it: in the dream, I was standing here, in my office, and I hear a knock on the door. I open it, and standing there is ghostly apparitions of two of our neighborhood's greatest statesmen, Councilman Spence Whitmarsh and Senator Fletcher O. Casady! They walked in and had a seat. And before I could say anything, they spoke.

Both were accomplished public speakers while they were alive (1938-1971 and 1861-1934, respectively), and they were both true to form in my dream, speaking with great eloquence. The thing they had on their minds was the proposed destruction of beloved hippie art garden Man Vs. God Memorial Park -- a project which Whitmarsh personally greenlit during his tenure as 3rd Ward councilman.

"We built a lot of beautiful art during my tenure, Sherman," said Councilman Whitmarsh. "And you'd vote to destroy it?"

"Verily!" said Senator Casady. "You would vouchsafe to undertake this detestable deed, Mr. Larson? For shame, for shame! Confound it, Council-man, have you no sense of history?"

Then they both looked at me, and repeated over and over Senator Casady's best-known adage: "A man must will himself to righteousness, and right himself to willfullness!" until I awoke.

And I lay there for a moment, and it occured to me: I must follow the example of these principled leaders. I must will myself to righteousness.

That is why you have my pledge that the city will not sell Man Vs. God to any developers, no matter how generous their offers. Because to me, nothing is more beautiful than Soviet scrap submarine parts forged in the furnaces of our neighborhood's great artists in the 1970s, piled high on a beautiful green parcel of land in the middle of a bustling neighborhood, and given life. There is certainly room in our neighborhood for development and for exciting new projects of all kinds, but let's leave a grand old landmark like Man Vs. God out of it.

Which is why I'm voting "no" on selling the property. Senator Casady would have voted "no," Councilman Whitmarsh would have voted "no," and so will I.

Well, actually, Casady might not have thought Man Vs. God was a bit "queer" (in contemporary parlance), but the point remains. Honestly, I think it's pretty weird and hippie too, but there are certain values that rise above mere taste. This is one of them.

Our vanishing '70s sculpture garden heritage.

2007-06-26T20:42:00.000-06:00

I'd just like to take a moment to acknowledge some emails I received lately from several members of the Kendall Park Neighborhood Association. This one, from KPNA interim president Dr. Linda F. Snyder, is very representative:

No one who lived through the councilmanship of Spence Whitmarsh can forget what heady times those were for the sculpture garden scene. There were new ones sprouting up everywhere, and the neighborhood was the better for it. Only a few remain today, and even those are threatened by the forces of greed and "social improvement."

For those of you that are too young to recall, Councilman Spencer J. Whitmarsh (left) represented the 3rd Ward from 1968 until his tragic motorcycle death in 1971. He cut quite legendary figure during that "go-go" period, representing the neighborhood through one of the most tumultuous times in Armitage Heights' long history -- the Esperanto Arondismento Tumulto of '69, the '71 Kitchen Riots, and the sedition trial of Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding, also in 1971. Controversial journalist and writer Kimball F. Burin was appointed to replace Whitmarsh by then-Mayor Freese.

Perhaps Whitmarsh's most visible legacy, though, was his shepherding through of some of the most revolutionary land-usage acts in the neighborhood's history. Hundreds of sculpture gardens exploded onto the scene, in every conceivable nook and cranny of the neighborhood. My assistant Marisha dug up from the Armitage Heights Historic Society a copy of a 1975 book entitled Sculpture Parks Now!: Your Guide to the Armitage Heights Topiary Art Revolution. The appendix is a list of contemporary sculpture gardens and their locations. Consider these mostly now-defunct sites that comprise the list:

Giant Earth Robot Meditation Plaza (1970)
New Atlantis (1972)
Man Vs. God Memorial Park (1969)
Good Time Charlie's Sculpturetorium (1973)
Up With Statues! (1972)
Spencer Whitmarsh Municipal Art Park (1971)
City Sculpture Yard and Come-Down Tent (1969)
The People's Revolutionary Three-Dimensionalists Guild (1968)
The East 33rd Street Urban Boreal Plaza (1975)
Superlove Legacy Gardens East (1973)
The Stanton Avenue Olympus (1977)
Preservation Compound (Mk. I, 1973; Mk. II, 1975)
Pierce County Hebrew Gardens (1969)
Urban Lightning Field (1975)

With a few notable exceptions, most of them are now gone. In fact, all that remains now are Man Vs. God Memorial Park and Giant Earth Robot Meditation Plaza (Superlove Legacy Gardens East at Stanton Avenue and 56th Street still exists, but the original design has been incorporated into a Chevy's Fresh Mex restaurant).

Man Vs. God Memorial Park, located on a quarter-acre of land at the corner of Schofield Parkway and Gilpin Avenue, is in particular danger. Built around a towering sculpture created by noted late local artist and Church of Satan high priest Hargrove Forsyth in 1969 at the dawn of the golden era of '70s sculpture gardens, the MvGMP represents -- as only rusted metal forms, ivy, concrete, vintage Soviet submarine salvage parts, and park benches welded to steel can -- the epic struggle between man and god.

It's also standing on a prime piece of real estate right on the edge of the now-trendy Little Wilmington district that developers have offered the city an unspecified amount of money to build a proposed W Man Vs. God Luxury Hotel. If the deal goes through, that leaves only Giant Earth Robot Meditation Plaza as the sole reminder of a once-swingin' sculpture garden scene. A shame that would be, too, because Giant Earth Robot is an eyesore that I would much rather see torn down than the relatively charming weirdness of Man Vs. God.

Please continue to write both myself and Mayor Underdahl if you'd like to see our neighborhood's vanishing sculpture garden heritage be preserved. You can also direct correspondence to the Armitage Heights Historic Preservation Council, the Man Vs. God Defense Fund, or to Dr. Synder at the Kendall Park Neighborhood Association.

For more reading on this fascinating topic, I recommend Ecce Hoedown: The Armitage Heights Sculpture Explosion, by Frank Carney-Nentzl, Half-Welded to a Dream, by Groff Schwenson, or Cast in Pain: An Uncensored Look at the Armitage Heights Sculpture Garden Wars, by Dr. Connoly Boatman.

ON THE SCENE! With my assistant Marisha: break-up edition.

2007-06-22T15:44:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone, Marisha here.

I've been really busy trying to get my master's thesis together for my defense next semester, so I haven't been out to many shows lately. Sherman has been cutting articles out of Rolling Stone and Alternative Press about the neighborhood scene, though, and he says there's lots of momentum we need to capitalize on. That's probably true, but I was also thinking this might be a good time to think about some of the notable bands around town that have called it quits in the last year. I'll write more later about some going-on around town, but some my favorite groups have split recently, and I'd like to devote some space to remembering them.

Dance punk duo Spelling and Usage, who the Free Press once described as making "dance music so post-ironic it actually seems to twist back around into irony, stops for a cigarette, and then ducks back out again into post-irony," broke up in March after the release of their first album, this year's We Love Electroclash. In a press release, they attributed their break-up to being "bored." Keyboardist Aaron Kaplansky will still be spinning Thursday nights at the Lakesider. Keyboardist Sean Hall will continue to work at the Armitage Heights Co-Op on Stanton Avenue.

Beloved pop foursome Christmas Island didn't break up, per se, but have decided to relocate from here to Brooklyn, New York pending their signing to the legendary Kill Rock Stars record label. So we'll miss them -- they were certainly on their way to becoming big stars around here. Sherman unsuccessfully attempted to convince Mayor Underdahl to donate one of a number of old warehouses in the Cassock District to the band to use for tax-free rehearsal and living space in hopes of retaining them as Armitage Heights residents, arguing that their presence here was a "non-negotiable economic and cultural necessity." Of course, this plan didn't materialize, and Christmas Island is off to the east coast to strike it big. So good luck in Brooklyn, guys!

The Family of Birds, led by the singer known only as "Marianne" (above), charmed audiences with such lo-fi, shambling acoustic odes to nature, love and magic as "O Mr. Wind, Why Do You Blow So Very Hard?" and "All Of The Trees In The Woods," and were infamous for their gentle mid-show crying sessions. They recently announced, unfortunately, that they are too shy to continue performing live. The loss to our local musical scene is incalculable.

Other notable break-ups this year included The New System, This Island Earth, Camp Crook, The Census Bureau, He's A Bodybuilder Too!, The Tzimmes, State Pension, The Artinian Module ("indefinite hiatus" owing to lead guitarist Erik Shriner's acceptance to Brigham Young University), The Skin Game, Mobido Diakité, Liquid Candy and the Going Steadies, The Capris, "yacht rock" revivalists The Millionaire Billionaires, Cross Country Meet (not to be confused with the similarly-named Armitage Heights-based indie four-piece Cross Country, who just opened for the October Revolutionists on their last West Coast tour), Servant in Heaven, Toyo Carp, Wihinapa emo heart-throbs Small Things Cast Large Shadows, The Astronomiques, Mirror Dinghy, The Amritsar Massacre, Silver March, The Franklin W. Dixons, The Handsome Xenologists, Commons Club, Wolf Siege, Third Swamp Reserve, and ye-ye-core faves Murder A La Mod. They will all be missed.

"Poik de coy in de loit."

2007-06-21T08:58:00.000-06:00

You can "poik" your "coy" in " this'n ga-royge" at Armitage and 38th Street.

Sound familiar? I was travelling back from a conference in Seattle this week, and I got into a conversation with a fellow I was sitting next to at the Sea-Tac airport. He was flying to Houston, but his mother had apparently grown up in Kendall Park, and he recognized me as a "Peshie" right away because of my accent, which got me to thinking about the Mishipeshu accent.

I grew up in Wihinapa, as did both of my parents, so they both had strong Peshie accents, as did my grandparents. I still remember when Grandpa Henry taught me "droive" in his "coy" down Stanton Avenue when I was 16.

And certainly a lot of people still think of the late, celebrated television and film comedian (and Armitage Heights-native) Marty Miller for his outrageous vocal characterizations of the Peshie accent (who can forget his classic shopkeeper gag? "Oh, shoyp-keepa!").

It's an accent like no other in the country, informed by the blend of influences that have made our city so unique -- from early Native American tribes that flourished along Lake Mishipeshu, to the Polish settlers that made Little Warsaw home, to the Quebecer, Delawarean and Esperanto speakers that poured in last two centuries in search of a better life. So poik your coy with pride!

Internet jokes?

2007-06-13T15:18:00.000-06:00

I found this picture of me and the city council on a number of local blogs, and people seem very amused by it. What is it? What is the joke? Feel free to leave a comment if you have any information on who created it, or why.

My first guess that it was another odd Kaos Krew stunt, but my assistant Marisha told me recently that she'd read in some of the trades that they'll have their hands full with their latest project, which is apparently some sort of film project with David Lachapelle, Sofia Coppola and someone named "Tricky." So it seems unlikely they would still be dabbling in local internet hijinks. One can never know with those enthusiastic lawbreakers, though.

Neighborhood focus: Delawaretown.

2007-06-07T10:20:00.000-06:00

The bustling storefronts of "Little Wilmington."

Hello, everyone. With summer in full swing and the city council adjourning for a few weeks, I thought this might be a good time to continue a regular feature I began earlier in the year, Neighborhood Focus. In this section, I'll take a look at some of the interesting, notable parts of the Armitage Heights neighborhood that you may have yet to discover!

This next neighborhood we're going to have a look at is a personal favorite, another example of the richness of diversity in our community: Delawaretown (also known popularly as "Little Wilmington"), located on the border of Kendall Park and Armitage Heights. The neighborhood is generally defined as the area between 45th and 51st Streets, with Schofield Parkway to the north and Corwin Avenue to the south.

Delawaretown began as a hardscrabble blue-collar pocket of the neighborhood, inhabited primarily by the families of workers at the nearby Armitage Munitions Works, who set up operations in 1856. In 1901, Armitage was purchased by E. I. du Pont de Nemours and Company (known generally as DuPont), who expanded the plant's output from munitions to include lacquers, cellulose chemicals and other non-explosive products. The plant became one of the most productive and innovative cogs in DuPont's empire, and beginning in 1905, huge waves of dozens upon dozens of Delawareans streamed into the neighborhood, searching to begin a new life away from their homeland. With them, they brought their customs, languages and ways of life -- early accounts of burgeoning Delawaretown are striking, like this, from a Mishipeshu Herald article on the area from 1910:

Strolling along 46th Street, one feels as if they have been transported hundreds of miles away to the Delaware River valley, with street vendors hawking what they call "tomatas," and everyone around carrying on in the puzzling dialect of the native Wilmingtonian. They dress in the native outfit of the Delawarian [sic], seemingly unaware of how odd their brown trousers, woolen coats and black shoes must seem to their non-Wilmingtonian neighbors...

One still gets that sense strolling down 46th Street on a busy weekend afternoon! You can still hear classic Delaware accents from the older shopkeepers ("wooder" for "water" -- still fascinates me!), who keep their shelves stocked with Delaware delicacies like delicious blue hen breast, peaches, crab puffs, chicken salad, carrot soup and mashed potatos -- all wrapped in DuPont cellophane, of course! The residents of Delawaretown are very proud of their unique heritage, and in fact, this small pocket of Armitage Heights has the largest population of Delawarean-Americans anywhere outside Delaware -- nearly 330. You'll often see storefront windows with pictures of noted Delawareans like George Thorogood, Pierre Samuel "Pete" du Pont IV, and Joe Biden (who, coincidentally, commands a 78% lead in Democratic primary polls in this area, as witnessed by the image to the left -- a common sight around this close-knit and politically vocal community).

And of course one can't forget the shopping! Though it's a small area, the Delawarean-American population in this pocket have managed to make their shops tax-free, much like their homeland. It's pretty easy to get a credit card, as well, since a number of major financial corporations have set up small incorporated storefront offices along 46th and 47th Streets.

This neighborhood, with it's great mix of seafood, tax-free incorporations, and phonemic æ-tensing, is a real gem. Be sure to visit for Thorogood Days in August, when the music of Delaware native George Thorogood and the Destroyers is celebrated in appropriately raucous fashion in a day-long street festival, or visit the Blue Hen, a charming tavern on Corwin Avenue at 49th Street that specializes in delicious Delaware microbrewery beers and seafood, and features live music on weekends, typically bands playing traditional Delawarean music. Listening to the music waft out into the streets, you can almost smell the salt-water and nylon in the air! It's not hard to feel the breeze coming off Lake Mishipeshu and feeling like it could be the Delaware Bay -- just like you're standing in the first state!

The road to recovery, Days 2-5.

2007-05-22T09:51:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm very happy to tell you that I am writing this post not from my hospital bed at Mish Memorial, but from my offices at City Hall in Pierce Plaza downtown, and that tonight I'll finally be going back home to Wihinapa to get back to work!

My assistant Marisha thought it might be better to get me off of the laptop for a few days this weekend while I recovered. That's too bad -- while I was convalescing, I wrote some very interesting reviews of the new October Revolutionists album (it's excellent! It reminded me of U2 with fluegelhorns!), some reviews of the different jello flavors they had here (the green was the best, but the nurse didn't know if it was lime, cantaloupe or kiwi flavored. All those fruits are green, according to Wikipedia. My favorite all week was snapped for me by my nurse Carolyn, which I've posted above -- doesn't it look delicious? I'm not sure why some more of our great restaurants on Stanton Avenue aren't doing more with jello), a review of a 1970s-era action film I saw on cable television one night called The Man That Killed Tomorrow (I thought it was pretty exciting, especially the final scene where the cop, played by Armin Braganza, has a shoot-out with the corrupt bureaucrat, played by Walter Kerry, who is attempting to kill the Secretary of State, played by James Caan, on top of the Essex House, plus it was directed by Hanley native Robert Donald Salloway! Here's a shot of that scene I found on a fan website). I also outlined a new proposal for the infamous east metro rail transit plan, which I hope will help unite our core urban constituency here in the 3rd with our suburban friends in the 8th Ward (I'll reveal it soon, but here's a hint: "luxury box seats" a la the I-Line -- suburban luxury meets urban convenience!). I suppose all these things will be published at some point, but perhaps it's time to get back to work.

Thank again to everyone who wrote to wish me a speedy recovery -- I certainly appreciate it. I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of email I've received regarding the fate of Councilman Stephen Massey Keller. I want to say that though I am certainly not happy about being assaulted, I acknowledge that Councilman Keller is dealing with some very serious issues involving both alcohol and mass transit. It's no coincidence that he bopped me over the head with a model subway car, and it's no coincidence he was drunk while he did it. I want Stephen to find the help that he needs. What exactly that might entail we will see. I would be willing to drop the charges, of course, if he would seek treatment for his alcoholism and support my east metro rail transit authority plan to finally link up the 3rd Ward with points east.

I'll be at my desk, hard at work, in the meantime.

The road to recovery, Day 1.

2007-05-18T12:31:00.000-06:00

Well, the doctors are telling me to take it easy. I'm trying, but I've had my assistant Marisha bring me some paperwork to do here. The City Council is meeting next week, and some important votes are coming up -- the East Hanley school voucher proposal, and of course my proposal to make the October Revolutionists' "Esmerelda Sing Me Sweetly the Song of Our City" the official Armitage Heigts neighborhood anthem! I want to be sure I'm on top of it for those votes.

I've gotten a lot of wonderful support from the community. Marisha sent me the photo above, at the Exxon at 37th and Stanton! Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to write or send cards! I'd even like to give a begrudging thanks to the Kaos Krew, whose illegal shenanigans I've often written about. They sent me a very sweet, very misguided "video letter" from London (an MP3) hanging out on a yacht with a band called "Kaiser Chiefs," sharing their favorite "Sherman stories" and wishing me a speedy recovery. Li'l Warsaw frankly looked as if he was going to cry.

I also received a nice note from my Republican opponent in the November election, Barry G. Johannsen, wishing me a speedy recovery, and reminding me that if I'd had a handgun, this attack might never have happened.

Also, I should apologize for my last post. I winced a bit when they removed some of the bandages, and they gave me some morphine, so I was feeling a bit woozy when I wrote it. I'll have Marisha remove it first thing tomorrow.

I've seen a lot of cable television, as well, between the jello snacks. It made me consider how much we can learn about the troubles facing our communities from television programs. The world is full of drug dealers, Mafiosi, ex-Soviet mercenaries, terrorists, emotionally distant husbands, psychotic "gold-diggers," unsavory rock musicians, and many others. It makes me wonder if there's not more creative methods for dealing with these problems. I'll be thinking on it, since I won't be going anywhere for a few days.

Imasn dstill in the hiopdita;.

2007-05-18T02:43:00.000-06:00

Wowm so naywy they potuy ,me on morhpone and it shrwgreat.l it's resllyt late and theres nothing on the tv. i wish i had more fo that jello. its spod eilcious. willw write ore a;retr.

Thanks for your concern.

2007-05-17T14:16:00.000-06:00

Good afternoon, everyone -- quite the afternoon, eh? I'm writing to you from a bed in the fine, wi-fi enabled environs of the Mishipeshu Memorial Medical Center downtown. As nice as it'd be to be in one of the hopsitals in my own ward -- St. Amor of Aquitane Hopsital, or Pierce County/Wihinapa Medical -- I can't complain about the way I've been treated her. If you ever get wacked over the head with a model train, Mish Memorial is the place to go!

Thanks to Marisha for keeping everyone updated! It looks like I'll be in here for awhile, just to be safe. I may have fractured an elbow or something, according to my doctor.

Marisha lent me her camera, so maybe I'll do a kind of "photo blog" of my stay in the hospital for awhile! Above is the lunch I just had -- crackers and jello. The jello was delicious!

I'll keep you updated!

UPDATE: Sherman is OK.

2007-05-17T13:02:00.000-06:00

This is Marisha again. I'm writing this from the lobby of Mish Memorial. Sherman is doing just fine. He suffered some abrasions and lacerations on his head and around his neck, but he is conscious, lucid and cracking jokes with the hospital staff. The doctors want to keep him around for at least overnight, but he's not doing badly. He lost consciousness in the attack, but revived on the ambulance ride over apparently.

Thanks to everyone that has written and called. I'll keep you updated. We've already gotten a few flowers, which I took a picture of and posted above. Sherman will probably write something later, depending on how he feels.

PLEASE READ! Sherman assaulted, hospitalized!

2007-05-17T10:39:00.000-06:00

This is Sherman's assistant Marisha -- I have some awful news, and I want to get out there to people as soon as I can.

Just about a half-an-hour ago, a dangerously drunken, disheveled-looking and belligerent Stephen Massey Keller forced his way into our office downtown at Pierce Plaza, yelled something about losing the primary election and The Clarion and the East Metro transit plans. Sherman attempted to reason with him, when Keller suddenly lunged forward and attacked Sherman with a large object, what actually looked like a model train. Sherman was able to fend off most the blows, and yelled for help. City Hall security officers were able to run into the office and subdue Keller before he could harm Sherman any further. I called 911 right away, and they had an ambulance there in minutes to take Sherman to Mishipeshu Memorial Medical Center. Keller was taken into police custody after struggling for a few minutes and continuing to yell. I took all these pictures with my digital camera -- above is the ambulance taking Sherman away, and to the right is Keller being taken into the police cruiser and I presume off to the police precinct down at 3rd Street and Stanton Avenue.

This has been a terrifying morning. I called the hospital a moment ago, and Sherman's just been admitted. He is in stable condition, but we don't know anything else right now, as far as whether or not he is conscious, or how badly he is injured. I'll keep you updated as soon as I know more.

The police took the weapon away with them, of course, but from what I saw, it looked very much like one of the toys I've posted a picture of to the left. Sherman looked pretty banged up. If you're the praying type, say a prayer for Councilman Larson.

I'll post more very soon. Hopefully we'll know more about his condition soon.

-Marisha

Election news from all over!

2007-05-17T08:52:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a whirlwind week! As I'm sure you know, half of the city council primaries were held last Tuesday, and what a lot of excitement there has been! Of course, you all well know I don't like to spend much time here talking partisan politics -- I prefer to think of this blog as an enjoyable resource to keep everyone in the neighborhood up-to-date on all the facets of life in Armitage Heights, not just the political aspects. But Tuesday night was exciting enough to warrant some mention.

Of course, I ran unopposed in the Democratic primary for this seat, but there was a vigorous contest for the Republican seat. Much to everyone's surprise, Wihinapa building contractor Barry G. Johannsen, the youngest son of the late Marla Manda Johannsen, defeated his opponent, Armitage Hill businessman Feltzer Carlson Messing, Sr., by just three percentage points. It was a tightly-contested race all the way to the end, and Mr. Johnnsen certainly takes after his mother in his "take no prisoners" approach to campaigning. So it looks as if I'll be up against Mr. Johannsen in the fall, and I'm looking forward to an invigorating, exciting campaign!

Despite the fact that this is outside our neighborhood, I should also mention that Stephen Massey Keller (R-8th Ward) was defeated in Tuesday's Republican primary. Too bad, Stephen -- I enjoyed working with you! He is a talented man that will definitely find exciting new opportunities outside public service to advance his fascinating ideas about mass transit.

Our crosstown neighbors, part two.

2007-05-05T16:24:00.000-06:00

The Mount Gresham Shopping Village on Fairchild Parkway-US 56 -- another jewel in the 8th Ward's crown!

Well, if you've been keeping up with Councilman Stephen Massey Keller's (R-8th Ward) blog lately, you'll probably have noticed he had some rather colorful things to say about our neighborhood this morning in response to my entry from yesterday (he seems to have taken issue with my thoughts on the east metro Rail Authority issue). I'm not sure why any elected official would be writing on his blog at eight AM on a Saturday morning when he or she could be out buying fresh vegetables at the Armitage Square Farmer's Market, taking a walk on the shores of the Lake, or eating out at one of the great outdoor breakfast places on Stanton or in the Garden District. Perhaps the 8th Ward just isn't really set up for Saturday morning activities like that, though. I suppose the Ann Taylor Loft and Bed, Bath and Beyond at Ostwegan Towne Centre Shoppes don't open until 10 AM.

Regardless, Councilman Keller should think before he calls our neighborhood a "fiscally vampiric East German-style welfare state within our own city's borders" or a "grim Stalinist borscht of crime, urban decay and faux-bohemianism that sucks up our community's property tax dollars." These are the confused words of a desperate extremist, appealing to the basest instincts of his community in a bid to stay politically viable -- let's not forget, after all, that Councilman Keller is the closing stages of a tough Republican primary for his seat in this fall's general election, and is actually a few points behind his opponent in the latest Herald-Leader poll.

So Councilman Keller shouldn't be so quick to judge our community. We have our problems, but at least you can get real Thai food here.

Our crosstown neighbors.

2007-05-04T14:22:00.000-06:00

The Kadner Mansion in Mount Gresham -- the pride of the 8th Ward!

My goodness -- it always surprises me how quickly the time passes. I've been so busy lately that I've neglected my blog, for which I do apologize! I gave my assistant Marisha the week off to finish up her thesis paper, which I can't wait to read -- come this summer, Marisha will finally be have her M.A.! I'll post it here on the blog so you can all read what she's been up to (here's an enticing hint: it involves the social history of Mason jars, early color photography, the creation of the Mishipeshu Bypass Highway in 1961, anorexia in second-generation immigrant families and jazz)!

I've noticed that Councilman Stephen Massey Keller (R.-8th Ward) across town (he represents the Croxton, Mount Gresham, Seabridge, Ostegwan and East Pond District neighborhoods) has a really entertaining blog called the High Atop the Hills of Ostwegan, which he manages to update almost every day! Maybe I should take some tips from Steve, although his focus in his daily posts is quite a bit different than mine. The 8th Ward has a very different set of challenges than we do here in the 3rd, which Steve tackles like a pro in the City Council. Certainly we've had our differences in the City Council -- Stephen wasn't a big fan of the expansion of the Mishipeshu Rail Authority eastern lines, the Kaplan-O'Hara 'Right To Work' bill, the South Hanley public school improvement initiatives, or the creation of Fletcher O. Casady Day -- but we've always enjoyed working together. Check his blog out, and take a day trip across town to see some of the lovely attractions in the 8th Ward, like the private Seabridge Arboreum, the Alfred F. Kadner Mansion and Kadner Museum of Commerce and Enterprise in Mount Gresham, or the new Hummer dealership in Ostwegan. You'll have to drive out there on the Mish Bypass of course, or transfer from the 13 bus to the 82C, since the funding for the Rail Authority lines out to the east metro are being held up in the City Council. But tell them Sherman sent you!

My administrative professional Marisha!

2007-04-25T09:19:00.000-06:00

Well, it's no secret to anyone that not much would get done around the 3rd Ward without the administrative professional assistance of one woman -- my assistant Marisha Ferguson! Whether she's collating important city council meeting minutes, making fresh coffee for the dozens of important people I meet with daily, or giving me "hot tips" on local rock bands or new Thai restaurants, Marisha can do it all. On this Administrative Professionals Day, I think it's just right to set aside some time to pay tribute to this talented young lady.

There's so many great "Marisha stories," it's hard to know which one to start with, but certainly there many that handily sum up how capable and hardworking she is. I think of the time she averted disaster by entertaining the visting mayor of Akron, Ohio with her incredible knowledge of Chrissie Hynde and DEVO trivia, while I was on my way back the office to meet him after being held up in traffic on the way back from the airport -- by the time I finally got there, he was so buoyant that all he wanted to talk about some band called "the Black Keys"! Or the time I left my wallet at home in Wihinapa, and she drove all the way there on her moped, in the rain, to get it because I had a budget meeting with Mayor Underdahl. Or when she caught a mistake that someone had made on some proposed signage, saving us from an expensive and useless "Wlecome to the Kendall Park-Stanton Avenue Arts Corridor!" marquee. Or how she regularly has time to put in 20+ hour a week here, finish her master's degree in journalism and women's studies at the University, do great freelance design work for rock bands and small businesses on the side, teach yoga at the Hanley Community Center, volunteer with the Armitage Heights Urban Gardening Co-op and the Armitage Heights Center for Contemporary Art, and still have a busy and active social life is an amazing testament to her talents, energy and abilities.

Marisha, you rock!

If you'd care to, you can feel free to post your own "Marisha stories" in the comments section below! Just keep it nice!

Why I voted against the Johannsen Memorial.

2007-04-24T10:14:00.000-06:00

The proposed Marla Manda Johanssen Memorial that would replace the statue of Senator Fletcher O. Casady in Armitage Square.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of emails I've received regarding my vote in the City Council on Monday against allowing the construction of the proposed Marla Manda Johannsen Memorial statue -- you can read the meeting minutes from the City Council website here, or a summary on the Herald-Journal's website here.

There is no doubt that Ms. Johannsen was a beloved figure by many in the neighborhood, particularly in Armitage Hill and Wihinapa. There is no doubt that her death last month was tragic. However, there is also no doubt that there are better ways to honor her memory than by tearing down a statue of one of this city's most beloved statesman, Senator Fletcher O. Casady, and putting in its place a gruesome, offensive eyesore of the sort that has been proposed.

I mean, goodness, it's a 15-foot handgun. In the middle of the city. We certainly have some nonsensical public art around the neighborhood (the 1890s-era Municipal Virginity Obelisk in Kendall Park springs to mind), but to put a giant metal weapon in the middle of the square where you may recall hearing some shots going off not less than six months ago -- and on a spot where Ms. Johannsen was actually arrested for firing handguns in the air -- is so distasteful it boggles the mind. I don't care if it's what Ms. Johannsen "would have wanted." Ms. Johanssen also, bear in mind, went on the public record as also wanting to have me deported to East Germany, re-name Hanley "Reaganonia," and abolish Labor Day because it was "a pinko faggot holiday." And yet, we did none of those things.

I am very sorry for what happened to Ms. Johannsen. I think the the churches, civic organizations and gun clubs in this neighborhood that she so loved could absolutely bind together to raise the funds for a private memorial. But to send me nasty emails declaiming me as a "fellow-travelling crypto-Trotskyite" because I don't think it's right to use public funds to remove a statue of a progressive and beloved local icon like Senator Casady (pictured to the left in 1910) and replace it with an oversized weapon is just ridiculous. I don't think a "blog" like this is any place for engaging in dirty partisan politics, and I hate to make such sweeping statements like these that will no doubt anger many of you, but to quote Senator Casady himself, "A man must will himself to righteousness, and right himself, indeed, to willfulness." Well said, indeed, Senator. This is a time for making a stand for what's right. And that is why you have elected me to this office -- to will myself to righteousness, and right myself to willfulness. That is precisely what I have done.

On a related note: the Johannsen debate didn't dominate the entire City Council meeting. We also voted on a number of other critical issues, including securing funding for the new overflow parking annex for the Office Depot Arena on Armitage Avenue; a motion recognizing local musician Billy Draeger of the "indie-rock" band the October Revolutionists for "contributing to the artistic well-being of the city" and nominating him for a Mayor Lester F. Grunwald Memorial Award for Excellence in June; a motion commissioning a study on the effectiveness of utilizing mineral water feeding stations for pigeons to attempt to cut down on the relative messiness of their solid waste; and a motion to adjourn early in recognition of the British holiday of St. George's Day, and the great contributions of British-Americans in the history of the city.

Kaos Krew: kopykat krimes?

2007-04-23T08:52:00.000-06:00

With the warmer weather in recent weeks, there has been a spate of graffiti-related crimes, such as the above defacing of the old Armitage Amalgamated Gravy Distillery complex in Kendall Park. Be on the lookout for suspicious activity in the area, and don't hesitate to report your findings to the metro tipline at (436) BE-A-HERO (232-4376).

The above graffiti is troubling for a number of reasons -- how could the Kaos Krew be commiting new acts of vandalism when it is a well-known fact that they are staying abroad in the U.K. for an indefinite period of time, enjoying their shameful "high art" popularity? That's a question the Krew themselves are apparently asking. Seem as if they're not too busy with jet-setting to keep up with the news in their hometown, since we received this anonymous email Saturday:

We understand that there have been a lot of tagging around town by dudes claiming to be the Kaos Krew, and we just want say: NOT TRUE. We, the Kaos Krew, are no longer interested in tagging and lo-fi street art. Our interests now lie in directing music videos, site-specific installation art, and fashion design -- we don't tag buildings anymore, especially gorgeous old brick facades like the Amalgamated Distillery. We love that building, and it's the sort of classic deco architecture we really miss seeing over here in England. Judging from the photos we've seen, this new work is crude and artless, without the sort of irony, humor and skill that people expect from the Krew. We denounce these criminal acts completely.

The email was also signed by Matthew Barney, Bjork, Stella McCartney, Charles Saatchi, Yasmine Le Bon, Goldie, Dr. Alex Patterson of the Orb, and somebody named "Tricky."

Well, what a turn-about! The sentiments of the Krew are appreciated (and I say that with a touch of sarcasm), but that doesn't change the fact that we are still working to extradite them for their misdeamenor crimes. That said, the email is correct, to a point: these new "Kaos Krew" taggings bear not a trace of the gutter wit and cleverness that made the original Kaos Krew graffiti so beloved in certain misguided circles.

So if you have any information on of any of these so-called "kopykat krimes," I would urge you to report them. We can't let our beautiful neighborhood be continually defaced by punks cruising on the accomplishments of one high-profile group of celebrity vandals.

Additionally, my assistant Marisha tells me that the new video the Kaos Krew have made for UK pop sensation M.I.A. is up on YouTube now. You can see it here.

Outdoor movie season in East Kendall Park!

2007-04-21T19:42:00.000-06:00

Stills from The Old Gold Follies of 1938 and Masters and Servants, two classics both screening in East Kendall Park this month (and don't worry -- the rebel leader on the right in Masters and Servants makes it out alive, but just barely!)

My goodness, I'm so sorry for not writing lately! It's been so busy here in the office lately, and perhaps you've noticed that spring is finally here! We've been having such nice 70 degree days in the last few weeks, I'm sure you've all been outside enjoying some our great neighborhood outdoor activities -- the annual Dr. Lyman "Rawhide" McKenzie Memorial Barbecue Symposium at the that the cultural studies program at the University of Mishipeshu puts on every second weekend in April, or the weekly farmers market at Armitage Square (love those squashes from Craze, Junkyard and the whole rest of the crew at the Starshine Manor Cosmic Love Farms!).

Of course, the Kendall Park Film Society will be hosting their popular annual East Kendall Twofer series of double feature movie presentations, every Thursday night beginning April 26 at 7:00 PM at the Danforth Ampitheater in East Kendall Park, located off of 34th Avenue at Schofield Parkway in Kendall Park, right on Lake Mishipeshu.

This year, it's a whole series of films by Armitage Heights natives Mel Caldwell and Richard R. Caldwell. Both brothers were born in south Armitage Heights in 1918 and 1925 respectively, to a streetcar conductor and school teacher. The brothers made a name for themselves on the then-thriving Armitage Heights theater scene as writers and directors (Mel in the old Armitage Avenue music halls, Richard in the small WPA-funded stages of south Hanley). Having had a taste of success here, set off for Hollywood in the 1930s to pursue careers in the movies. Of course, from there, their paths took wildly divergent paths. Mel Caldwell became known for his lush, sentimental MGM musicals, birthing an entire sub-genre, the so-called "Dancing Cigarette Girl" picture: in these films, many of which followed a similar plot, a young, leggy singer or dancer would typically take a seemingly dead-end job as a dancing carton of cigarettes in a stage show, fall in love with her handsome director, and finally through spunk and hard work, become a star. Richard, of course, did not find immediate success in the industry, drifting into the Hollywood demimonde and joining the Communist party, where he made a series of incredibly hard-hitting films for fledgling Key Studios dealing with labor and poverty issues. He became estranged from his brother at this time they rarely spoke after 1940, the lone exception being when Mel testified against Richard in his 1951 HUAC investigation hearings. Richard was blacklisted and became an alcoholic, but re-emerged in middle age to make a series of violent, anti-establishment small-budget war films that would become benchmarks for so-called "New Hollywood" generation. The brothers never reconciled, and Mel died of lung cancer in 1963. His brother died five years later in a mysterious and still-unsolved murder at his home in West Hollywood.

However, the Kendall Park Film Society will reunite these two legends this summer by showing some of their best-loved films back-to-back! The schedule is great fun indeed:

April 26: The Old Gold Follies of 1938 (1938) and They Shall Inherit The Earth (1939)
May 3: Roll Me Another, Sister! (1939) and The Life and Death of Leon Trotsky (1940)
May 10: Holy Smokes! (1940) and Death Train (1957)
May 17: Golden Leaves (1940) and Gentlemen, I Give You Colonel Tran (1959)
May 24: Say, That's Rich! (1941) and Masters and Servants (1960)
May 31: Golden Leaves Goes Overseas (1941) and Our Hour of Darkness (1961)

University of Mishipeshu film historian Dr. Kathleen Carter-Anderson will make a few short remarks before each screening, putting each film into historic context, and pointing out the many strange similarities that the brothers might have denied while still living!

You can visit the Film Society here on the web, or their offices can be reached at (436) 242-2209.

All screenings are all free and open to the public.

The future of heritage mass transit in our neighborhood.

2007-04-10T10:52:00.000-06:00

A digital photo I took recently of the grand foyer of the Armitage Hill-Stanton Avenue Station, built in 1902. This station serves only the Imperial Line -- why is it so empty today?

The recent controversies involving venture capitalist Rockwell Katz's re-opening of the Armitage Zeppelinarium has turned a lot of focus in the area to some of our neighborhood's other heritage transportation systems, their continued use in the 21st Century, and their future as viable mass transit options. Many of you, in fact, have written to voice your concerns regarding the legendary "Imperial Line" (also known as the "I") that runs from the Armitage Hill-Stanton Avenue Station to the Armitage Square Central Station.

As you well know, the I-Line is the oldest fully-operational steam-powered subway train in the world. Of course, the rest of the Mishipeshu Mass Transit Authority train and subway lines throughout the neighborhood and in the greater metro area run on electric power, but in the heart of the city, it's nice to know that there are steam-powered trains transporting passengers in old-time underground luxury in the exact same way they did when the line opened in 1904! Here's an interesting article from the Free Press from a few years ago detailing the history of the building of the line, the first underground train line west of the Mishipeshu River.

I've gotten some flack before about my supposed disregard for our neighborhood's architectural heritage, but I am absolutely in support the continued preservation of the I-Line. So in the interest of some dialogue, here are some of the supposed problems with the line that you have forwarded to me:

It's too slow. Not true, in the long run. The I-Line runs from Armitage Square to the Stanton Avenue station in just twenty minutes. An electric train would do it in seven minutes -- but to replace the steam line with an electric would take eleven or twelve years at least, and cost hundreds of millions of dollars. We can either make the ride cleanly, efficiently and smoothly in a pleasant twenty minutes, or put up with the Stanton Avenue corridor being completely upended and ripped apart for a dozen years. I'd rather wait a few minutes now, personally.

It's too expensive. $12 for a one way ticket back to a more elegant time doesn't seem to me to be too much. I ride the I-Line once a week if I can.

It's totally inefficient. In these days of increased concerned for the environment, steam power is much more environmentally sound than a gas-guzzling bus, or an electric train sucking off of the power grid. Steam power leaves the smallest "energy footprint" of any power source -- whenever you're riding the I-Line, you're striking a blow for the environment!

It's occupying a valuable mass transit path. Some of you have written mentioning that the route the I-Line is on too valuable a transit path to be occupied by, in the words of Greg from South Hanley, a "bloated robber-baron vanity project built before my grandparents were born. If they just took out the damn thing and replaced it with a regular train, you'd move three times as many people twice as quickly for half the price." It's true that ridership has been down a bit over the last few years, but Greg misses the larger point. Riders wishing to miss out on the experience can easily take alternate routes from Armitage Square to eastern stops through the Stanton Avenue corridor: the 32 to the 18F, the Stanton Avenue LRT line connection, the 19K to the "S" Line, or the Everett Avenue-Evarts Avenue express shuttle. All these options add only a small amount of time to the average commute, and transport hundreds of uncomplaining individuals per day.

It's dangerous. The I-Line hasn't registered a single derailing in decades, and the incidents of steam scaldings are probably much lower than any other transit-related injuries -- would you rather get blasted with steam, or hit by a three-ton subway car?

The facilities are absurdly outdated. The Armitage Square Station is an architectural gem, and if you're not charmed by turn-of-the-century toilettes, authentic Beaux Arts turnstiles and hand-cast bronze subway tokens, I don't know what to tell you.

It's terrorized by roving bands of Edwardian teenagers in felt hats and velveteen pantaloons. This simply isn't true. I've heard reports of some muggings perpetrated by foppish teenage dandies in period clothing, and it just doesn't seem credible that the youth of our community would be so taken with the Beaux Arts environment of the station's architecture that it would drive them to commit a series of random, Edwardian-style crime sprees. Teenagers don't wear clothes like this -- they dress more like the Kaos Krew, in tights pants and angular haircuts. I will certainly investigate this matter, but goodness sake, this just seems to silly to believe.

So I hope this will start to convince naysayers in the neighborhood that far from being an inconvenience, an anachronism or a waste of money and time, the Imperial Line is truly one of the great treasures of our neighborhood, completely unique in the world. It is something our grandchildren and future generations will adore as they make the ride from Armitage Square across town, under Stanton Avenue, steam engines puffing away to a world of wonder, magic and all points east of Evarts Avenue.

Your letters and emails.

2007-03-30T14:09:00.000-06:00

Jordan Langley-Klein and Tyler Jachowicz, AKA "Docta Sabotage" and "L'il Warsaw" of the Kaos Krew, in St. Rumwald Academy's 2001 production of The Pirates of Penzance.

Friday is a good day to drag out the old mailbag, and have a look at some of the letters -- both electronic and paper -- you have sent me in the past month.

And what a month it's been! Ever since we published the British fashion photo of the so-called "Kaos Krew" this week, tips have been pouring in from all over the 3rd Ward identifying the two other members. It seems as if they are Jordan Langley-Klein, 22, and Tyler Jachowicz, 23, both of Armitage Hill (the lid was blown off of Scott Munsch's identity almost immediately). In fact, all three were celebrated members of St. Rumwald Academy's musical theatre and improv troupes, and appeared together in high school productions of South Pacific, Carousel and Paint Your Wagon! I wish that the Kaos Krew had chosen to share their talents in the performing arts; they could have been a great addition to our theater scene here in the neighborhood. Instead, we will have no choice but to extradite them and make them accountable for their countless misdemeanor offenses. It saddens me greatly that between these young men and Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding, so much of what the national media focuses on in Armitage Heights is our attempted international extraditions (a recent issue of USA Today called us the "rendition capital of America"). We have so many other great things going on here, and one of the reasons I'm writing this blog is to let people know about the great stuff that goes on here: the dot-com Zeppelin parties, the delicious lo-mein tacos, the awesome non-emo rock bands and the historic architecture renovations. Those are what makes are neighborhood the best one in the metro area to live in. Those are what I want to focus on.

Some writers are unhappy that I have focused so much on the Kaos Krew. Alex in Kendall Park writes:

Look, I own a small business on Stanton Avenue and the Krew hit my marquee in October; they rearranged "While Supplies Last" to say "Slut Sips Whale Pile." It was an inconvenience, but it was nothing compared to the fact that I had a break-in two weeks later, and then another one in February where they made off with my cash register, ate some sandwiches in the breakroom refrigerator and urinated all over the special-edition Heights Beer-sponsored life-sized advertising cut-outs of Billy Draeger. That sort of thing is going on in your neighborhood, Sherman, and you're having embarrasing public hissy fits about these kids while actual hoodlums are out breaking into my store and peeing all over my limited-edition merchandise? Your priorities are totally ass-backwards, Larson. Do I have to be attacked by vandals with an artist's statement and press kit to get noticed around here? I'll take the sluts sipping the whale piles, thank you.

Alex's letter is tough but fair, and makes some good points. First of all, I wasn't aware Billy Draeger had signed a contract to advertise Heights Beer, but it makes sense -- the October Revolutionists are getting huge, and they're definitely big fans of the sort of "old-timey" look that Heights Beer has been branding themselves with in the last few years (I love those ads where the two mutachioed men on the old-time bicycles are chasing the ladies in bloomers!). But more importantly, Alex is right: we can't let ourselves think that the Kaos Krew is the only problem that we're dealing with crime-wise. Burglary, assault and arson has been up in parts of Hanley and Kendall Park this year, and it reflects badly on the whole 3rd Ward. I'll be posting some information about some of the various neighborhood watch groups so you can learn more about how you can get involved in keeping Armitage Heights and the whole 3rd Ward safe for everyone.

New "fashion stars"? An outrage.

2007-03-26T12:36:00.000-06:00

Well, my assistant Marisha recently brought an interesting media item to my attention, and I can't say I'm very pleased about it. It seems as if our very own Armitage Heights Kaos Krew has made quite a splash in England following their contemptible, illegal art show in London last January, and have had a full ten-page spread devoted to them in this month's issue of the British fashion magazine ON, along with ridiculous photos of the sort pictured above, and fawning text describing their "clear-eyed vision for an exciting new direction in street art." The article even mentions that they have been tapped to collaboratively direct a music video for ex-Blur frontman Damon Albarn and UK hip-hop star Lady Sovereign, both of whom are said to be "massive fans" of their work!

May I just remind everyone that these "artists" were six months ago a bunch of punks running around Kendall Park "tagging" garages? This is an absolute outrage!

Of course, this ironically may be the beginning of the end for these hoodlums. The article finally lists their identities as 2Shy, Li'l Warsaw and Docta Sabotage. These pseudonyms may not help us in revealing their heretofore-unknown identities, but the picture above is the first printed photo of the gang -- and that we can use to identify them! In fact, the hoodlum standing on on the left in the shot, "2Shy," has been positively identified by Principal Barbara Dunlap of St. Rumwald Academy as 21-year old former student Scott Munsch of Wihinapa, pictured at left in his 2002 yearbook photograph. The identity of the other two are not known as of yet, but rest assured that we will find out who they are, track them down, and bring them home to face the consequences of their destructive hacking, marquee-defacing and dangerous hijinks. In the meantime, we can only prevail to the good people of the United Kingdom to end their infatuation with these thuggish young men.

In the meantime, if you'd like to be further outraged, you can read additional news items about the Kaos Krew's glowing reviews in the British art press, the rumours that the Krew has been invited to curate next year's All Tomorrow's Parties music festival in London, and sordid tales of their debaucherous stay across the pond, hanging around models and British jungle DJs.

If you'd prefer to do something constructive, though, send an email to the British Fashion Council and demand they stop coddling criminals! You can reach them by email at uk.press@londonfashionweek.co.uk.

30 years of troublemaking. (Just kidding, guys!)

2007-03-23T11:24:00.000-06:00

The first offices of the Free-Press, at 4220 Stanton Avenue in 1968. This building is now a P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro.

Spring is finally here! I've finally been able to get my mountain bike out of cold storage and take her for a couple of spins around Lake Mishipsehu and Stanton Park! So if you see me out, be sure to say hello! There's also some great opportunities for outdoor dining -- check out the outdoor dining annex at triage (yes, it's all lower-case letters), the new restaurant at the new mixed-use space on the site of the old St. Aloysius Greek Orthodox Veterans Hopsital and Sanitarium.

The biggest party this weekend, though, will certainly be tonight's Heights Free Press 30th Anniversary Gala at the Evarts Avenue Tavern. In April 1967 in an old storefront on Stanton Avenue, novelist Kimball F. Burin, former Mishipeshu Herald journalist Gerber Schanfield, film and music critic Dan Lee Vondraczek, and entrepeneur Larry Forsyth released the first issue of the "Freep": fifteen mimeographed pages of political commentary (notably an attack by Burin on then-Police Commisioner F. Thompson Foster entitled "The Brownshirt in Blue"), reviews of underground records, new hippie poetry, a few wire reports primarily culled from Pravda, and an advice column written by an unnamed "blissed-out naked chick that's shacking up with Brother Larry" (she advises one letter writer to "turn on [his] lovelight and let it shine shine shine.") Looking back on it now, it seems impossibly quaint, but all the pieces are certainly in place for the "take no prisoners" attitude, surreal humor, rampant references to drug use, and in-depth writing that would become the paper's trademarks.

Of course, it's a long and complex history from there -- Burin left the paper in 1968 to focus on his novel-writing, Forsyth pulled his backing after joining the Moonies in 1971, and Schanfield was forced out in 1980 as executive editor after a running a series of articles detailing then-metro mayor Robert Snowden's supposed involvement in a cross-dressing ring. However, the paper has soldiered on, and has published nearly every noted local writer on the scene. The paper's eventual transformation from a mimeographed broadsheet to a slick, well-written, well-funded media giant is a true testament to the talent involved and the intelligence of the community. It has been a truly pioneering paper; for example, the Free Press was the first alternative weekly to publish an altered photo of President Reagan with a Hitler mustache (right).

Of course, I have been notably featured twice in the paper: once in 1988, when I wrote a brief review of U2's performance at the old Civic Center in Kendall Park (my only published music review!), and of course in 2005, when I managed to make the cover. Of course, they endorsed perennial Green Party candidate Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding for the 3rd Ward Councilman seat in the last election, but I've always enjoyed working with the staff!

The anniversary corresponds, ironically, with the paper's recent sale to the Mishipeshu Media Group, LLC, who have vowed to keep the voice and spirit of the old Free Press alive and well into the 21st century -- and if you take a look at the recent articles they have run since the buyout, such as Snooze Alarm: Why Is the Legislature So Boring?, Hittin' it in the Heights: the Best Places to Get It On Around Your 'Hood!, and Get Your Dock Wet at These 6 Hot New Seafood Bars! you can see that they're just as dedicated to "edgy" writing as they ever were!

The gala will be held tonight, beginning at 8 PM at the Evarts Avenue Tavern, located at 3809 E. Evarts Avenue. There will be performances by Frost Creep, Teenage Law Student and a reunited The Dream of Horses, as well readings from Burin, the legendary "blissed out naked chick" advice columnist (in actuality, now the investment banker Katherine Mary Murray, who hasn't written for the paper since 1968) and popular and award-winning music and film critic Ted Norlander (left), who will read excerpts from his latest book, The Shah of Iran Keeps His Cool Side Cool: Essays On the Bloated-Out Carcass of Trans-American Culture In A Period I Do Not Actually Remember Much Of, 1979-1987 (called "brilliant and heart-breakingly insightful" by The New York Times and "the voice of a generation" by Slate.com). There will also be a few remarks by new majority shareholder and Mishipeshu Media Group, LLC chairman Ronald Malone. Billy Draeger of the October Revolutionists had been scheduled to give a solo acoustic performance, but his band has been scheduled to play The Jimmy Kimmel Show tonight -- way to go, guys!

Tickets are available at the Free Press's website for $25, or by calling Evarts Avenue Tavern at (436) 922-1928, or the Free Press's offices at (436) 661-0022 during regular business hours.

Urban lifestyles, available now.

2007-03-14T08:52:00.000-06:00

There's been some criticism in the local press as of late regarding the condo boom we've been enjoying here in the Heights recently. Specifically, a few naysayers have predicted that the slight slowdown we've been experiencing in sales is the beginning of a long-term trend. In fact, the Heights Free Press goes on to say that many of the flagship condominium developments are "poorly-conceived, badly marketed, cynically developed, economically dubious and generally, just completely lacking in even the most basic comprehension of the fundamentals of urban living, city planning, real estate, aesthetics, ecomonics, construction, historic preservation, engineering, taste or human decency."

The Free Press is entitled to it's opinion, of course, but let's not be ridiculous. The condo developments we have going on at the present time are affordable, sustainable and attractive, and just because there's been a slight downturn in sales doesn't mean we should all go into hysterics. In fact, I'm going to list here a few of the exciting developments that we have going on in the real estate market, and you can see for yourself how attractive, affordable and responsible urban condo living really is.

A lot of these developments are throwing in special bonuses, like plasma screen TVs, association fee waivers and coupons to delicious restaurants, so act fast!

Zeppelin Flats - art-deco luxury in the heart of the Zeppelin District
Les Resevoir - fine water-side urban living
Poutine Flats - old world-style luxury in the heart of the Poutine District
The Refinery - refined urban living in a Steam Age setting
Harbour Docks Flats Highrise - lakeside living at shipping-yard prices
The Esperanto Lofts (Apartmentos Luksaĵos Esperantos) - Mi ŝatasrenkonti novajn homojn en Arondismento Esperanto!
Olde Section 8 Village Centre - the rebirth of a new luxury address in South Hanley
Cassock District Arts and Leisure Quarter - let yourself be blessed with urban luxury, my son
Mishipeshu-Akron-Buffalo Railroad Switchyard Lofts - get on the fast track to luxurious urban living
Gruyere Flats Luxury Condominiums and Artisanal Cheese Depository - sharp, dry, delicious living in the historic St. Aloysius Greek Orthodox Veterans Hospital & Sanitarium in Kendall Park

Marla Manda Johanssen, 1938-2007.

2007-03-13T08:36:00.000-06:00

Ms. Johanssen pictured last year, with one of her estimated 17,000 handguns.

I received from very sad news from the United States consulate in Vietnam this morning: beloved Wihinapa handgun activist, editorialist, renegade Winter Parade grand marshall and vigilante manhunter Marla Manda Johanssen passed away late last night in a Hanoi hospital, only a few hours after arriving in Vietnam. The immediate cause of death was listed as dysentery.

As you may recall, Ms. Johanssen had traveled to Vietnam to apprehend the fugitive leftist urban guerilla Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding. She deplaned yesterday afternoon, made a few remarks to local media, and retired to her hotel room, complaining of exhaustion and what one of her accomplices termed "an extreme and pervasive Communistic atmopshere." She was found dead later that evening.

Armitage Hill Christian Church, located at 8402 Gresham Avenue in Armitage Hill, will be holding a memorial service tomorrow evening. Donations will be taken and contributed to a fund set up in Ms. Johanssen's name. You may contribute online at this website.

Ms. Johanssen was beloved by many in the community for her outspoken views and willingness to speak out on popular issues of the day. I have assembled some links to a few of Ms. Johanssen's best-loved and most notable letters to the Herald-Leader over the years. I would like to extend my sincerest condolences to her three surviving sons, Barry G. Johanssen of Wihinapa, Buckley Johanssen of Lubbock, Texas, and J. Birch Johanssen of Provo, Utah.

"Is your editorial board run by East Germans?" (March 2, 1980)
"James Watt: An American Hero" (Feburary 12, 1981)
"Iran-Contra is distracting from the real issues" (November 19, 1986)
"Who will stand up for the billionaires?" (July 7, 1993)
"James Brady: Stalinist patsy?" (March 1, 1994)
"When the roll is called up yonder, George W. Bush will be there." (October 28, 2002)
"Your coverage of Ronald Reagan's funeral must have been written by East Germans" (June 11, 2004)

ON THE SCENE! With my assistant Marisha.

2007-03-07T15:13:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone, it's me, Sherman's assistant Marisha. It's been pretty busy here on the Armitage Heights music "scene" (love those parentheses), but truthfully, I haven't been to as many shows recently as I might have. I'm serving on the new novelist laureate committee, plus I'm trying to wrap up my thesis at the University for next semester. And other things have been going on, as well.

If you want, I've set up a MySpace page at www.myspace.com/assistantmarisha. There's not much there yet, but I'll flesh it out when I have a chance. You can send me information there about any upcoming shows, albums, music news or anything else. Please note that this isn't my private MySpace profile. My private MySpace profile isn't viewable by the public at large at this time.

Anyway, the biggest news lately is the October Revolutionists have signed with Capitol Records, who will be putting out their new record next month. The Revs were also featured on the cover of SPIN Magazine this month, who called their new album "a fascinating melange of old-time genre music and late-model hipster cynicism," so everyone's pretty excited about that. Personally, I think their new work is more cynical than good, and it's a really tired formula that they've been flaying for a long time -- ooh, here's a reference to a Victorian book, sung like Gordon Gano over a bunch of accordians and glockenspiels. But, who am I to say anything. If you look at the comments from yesterday, the legendarily cranky novelist Kimball Burin put it rather pithily, even though I wish Sherman wouldn't approve every insane comment that floats by. Particularly when it's about me, which all of them seem to be lately.

Regardless, that's the news. There's some good shows coming up, including the Red Queen Principle at the Lakesider Tavern this Friday, local noise-rockers the Gold Journal are playing a record release show for their new album We Study Magical Destruction at Don's Liquors on Saturday, and finally, you can see Société Nationale play with the Four-Chambered Heart and Frost Creep next Tuesday at Spike's. All of those bands are pretty good, except for one, but Sherman asked me to stop saying "non-positive" things about local bands. So you'll have to go see for yourself which one I mean. I think it will be pretty obvious -- the answer will probably sneak up on you in the cold, so to speak.

The Zeppelin District's Demisesquicentennial!

2007-03-06T15:09:00.000-06:00

The S.S. Armitage prepares to dock near the Franz Joseph Hermann Michael Maria Von Papen Memorial Zeppelinarium on Evarts Avenue, circa 1933. Note the old Amalgamated Gravy Building on the left.

Friday, March 17 will mark the 75th anniversary of the creation of the Zeppelin District in Armitage Heights, and the creation of the country's first dedicated Zeppelin port, the Franz Joseph Hermann Michael Maria Von Papen Memorial Zeppelinarium!

At the time of its construction, the Von Papen was the largest fully operational dedicated zeppelin port in the United States, and the third largest in the world. It was named (perhaps prematurely) for the contemporary right-wing chancellor of Germany, who actually left office two months after the dedication, and ended up later helping appoint Hitler, and being tried at Nuremberg for war crimes. So in 1941, with the city running a cataclysmic deficit and the nation on the brink of war with Germany, the port was renamed, for the sake of political and financial expediency, the Andreas Wolfgang Von Papen Zeppelinarium, after a minor German poet of the Romantic era -- thus relieving the city of the need to change the building's external signage, stationary and phone book listings. Of course, by 1941, no zeppelins had docked in the port for five years, and none would ever again, so it was a moot point anyway. The Von Papen was largely dismantled as a functioning zeppelin port in 1953 -- indeed, it was the last fully operational dedicated zeppelin port in the world at that time -- and was used as an administrative offices for the port authority and storage for Winter Parade floats throughout the 1950s.

During this time, the Von Papen building was still a landmark in the Zeppelin District, though the site was largely occupied by unemployed itinerant downstate agricultural workers, and notoriously gritty. The building was shuttered in 1962, and stood empty and generally unnoticed throughout the next few decades. Attention was refocused back on the building, however, when in 1982, a group of right-wing academics uncovered reams of unpublished, scandalously homoerotic-themed poems in Andreas Von Papen's private papers. Von Papen was catapulted almost overnight from a minor Romantic poet to a major homosexual literary icon. The name "Von Papen" became synonymous with homosexuality, the once-obscure poet being featured on the covers of literary journals and news magazines all over the world, and hailed as the "Godfather of Queer Poetry" and "The 19th Century's Greatest Gay Writer." The conservative Republican then-mayor of the city, Charles Kirkpatrick Carmichael, immediately demanded the name of the building be changed, despite the fact that the building was largely unoccupied. The resulting furor between gay rights activists, right-wing Christian groups and literary historians was documented beautifully in Kimball F. Burin's 1983 nonfiction work The Butterflies of Fear.

Of course, all of this furor overshadowed the elegant Modernist simplicity of the building and its unique function in aeronautical history. In a compromise that left no one happy, the building was renamed the Armitage Heights Homosexual War Veterans Memorial Zeppelinarium and State Historic Site, and it kept that name until last year. It was acquired through the city in 1985, and used to store transmissions and spare parts for metro transit buses.

In 2005, the site was purchased by wealthy California Internet mogul and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz, who renamed the site GoSystemsCorp Zeppelinarium, after his profitable dot.com company. He has been refurbishing the site in the intervening years, and just in time for its demisesquicentennial, he promises to dock an actual zeppelin for the first time since 1939!

Of course, I voted against allowing granting Katz a license on the grounds of public safety -- in fact, his proposal is still tied up in the district courts, but if Katz prevails and gets the appropriate licenses and permits in the next week, you may see a sight over our neighborhood that no one has seen for decades: a zeppelin over the skies of Armitage Heights!

Regardless of whether or not that happens, there will be a number of exciting events all weekend!

A free outdoor performance in Zeppelin Park by The Crunge, the metro's best Led Zeppelin tribute band.
A record release show by the October Revolutionists at Spike's, at 1206 N. Stanton Avenue. Their new CD a concept album called We Fly On Higher, Ever Higher, which is based on the early history of the zeppelin industry. My assistant Marisha said last month she thought it was the greatest album she'd heard in years!
A lecture by Kimball Burin on the writing of The Butterflies of Fear, followed by a question-and-answer session, held at the Evarts Avenue Tavern at 3809 E. Evarts Avenue.
A panel discussion on the legacy of Andreas Von Papen, conducted by the University of Mishipeshu's LGBT Studies program.
Free Zeppelin-shaped cookies from the Armitage Heights Bakery at 3210 E. Evarts Avenue.
And of course, tours all day of the new Zeppelin Flats luxury condos, which will occupy half of the space of the GoSystems Zeppelinarium! Visit http://www.zeppelindistrictliving.com/ for more information!

See you there!

More Winter Parade fall-out.

2007-02-21T15:57:00.000-06:00

Marla Manda Johanssen, as pictured in today's press release.

As your 3rd Ward councilman, I must use this opportunity to appeal to your collective sense of reason as a community.

We are all very upset over the events of the Winter Parade acquittal, and no one is more upset than I am that Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding has apparently absconded to Vietnam to hide from the forces of law and order. Still, there is no reason to believe that due process, extradition practices and solid diplomacy will not eventually work this situation out. Dr. Harding, dangerous radical though he may be, is a reasonable, respected man. Surely he will turn himself in, or at the very least be apprehended by legitimate law enforcement agencies.

There is no need for mob action. I say this only because I have received a "press release" from handgun activist and right-wing editorialist Marla Manda Johanssen, urging Armitage Heighters to join her immediately on a trip to Vietnam, leaving this weekend, to find Dr. Harding and, I quote: "bring his left-wing, urban-gardening, treasonous, candy-cane brandishing, atheistic Jane Fonda-loving old keister to justice -- by any means necessary."

Besides being unnecessarily inflammatory (I know for a fact, for instance, that Dr. Harding was a long-time member of Kendall Park First Unitarian Church, so therefore not "atheistic"), it's a dangerous idea. The idea of an elderly woman travelling to Southeast Asia in an obviously agitated state, possibly with a posse of some kind, and potentially carrying illegal weapons, is a very poor one by any standard.

Please, Ms. Johanssen, for the sake of the community: do not undertake this "mission." Let the justice system work it out safely and legally. Even at this early stage, community leaders such as the unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski have denounced Ms. Johanssen's poorly-conceived plan of action. Please let her know yourself by contacting her personally at her website: www.hardingmustpay.org/vietnam.html.

Winter Parade trial: acquittals for all.

2007-02-21T10:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, Judge Martin F. Pickert of Pierce County Superior Court ruled to acquit the entire slate of defendants related to the December Winter Parade disturbances, a number that included outspoken handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, "...From My Cold Dead Hands" television program host and right-wing radio program panelist Hal Halloran (pictured with his attorney on the left), unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and award-winning, frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331. (Of course, radical urban guerilla and Viet Cong terrorist Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large for the time being, and the Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and men's varsity squash team members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne were acquitted in January).

I'd like to say that while I am very disappointed in the ruling, I believe it is in the best interest of the community to put this awful chapter behind us.

All the defendants held press conferences afterwards to state to reporters their future plans. In the interest of public dialogue, I will list them here, though I would like to state that I do not approve in any way of any of this:

Johannsen will have a letter to the editor published in the Herald-Leader later this week and claims she plans to travel to Vietnam with a small group of friends to bring Dr. Harding to justice personally using, in her own words "any necessary force."

Halloran plans to write a book on his experiences entitled Winter Hell, American Justice: My True-Life Adventures In Fighting The Left-Wing Anti-Christian Armitage Heights Soviet And Their Attempts To Silence My American Message Of Liberty, the Right to Bear Arms and the Gospel Of Jesus Christ. Expect to see that at gun shows and late-night informerical later this year
.

The unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski will be the guest preacher at the Kendall Park First Unitarian Church this Sunday.

Jennifer #4720331 will debut her new performance piece based on her experiences later in March at the Armitage Heights Center for New Media. The piece will be entitled Silent Night Holy Night All Is Calm All Is Bright Round Yon Virgin Mother And Child Holy Infant So Tender and Mild Sleep in Heavenly Peace Sleep in Heavenly Peace. An image from the piece is pictured at right. Infuratingly, she has been invited to perform at the Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art show with the Kaos Krew, now showing in London, England.

So that awful event is all behind us now. I'm so glad to know that the best way to get your name known in town is to chase elected officials through the freezing streets of Armitage Square, brandishing a flaming fiberglass candy cane over your head and shouting incoherently.

¡Fiebre del hockey sobre hielo! Le hockey sur glace fièvre!

2007-02-20T11:11:00.000-06:00

The Poutine District's Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport.

Anyway you translate it, it says "hockey fever"! And the whole 3rd Ward has it!

Or, primarily the Canadian French- and Spanish-speaking parts of the 3rd Ward have it. This Saturday, the 39th Annual Armitage Heights Inter-Neighborhood Hockey Classic will take place between at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, in the Poutine District. As has been the case for as long as I can recall, the two dominant teams once again are the Mélangeurs, representing the Poutine District's Association Sportive D'Amateur (ASA), and the Monstruos Hielos from South Hanley's Consejo Deportes (CDSH). It was a great season for the amateur hockey leagues around town, and teams from South Kendall Park, Wihinapa, Little Warsaw, Armitage Hill, East Hanley, the Cassock District and West Hanley all fielded hard-playing squads. But in Armitage Heights, it almost always comes down to the Monstruos and the Mélangeurs! With the notable exception of the year of the so-called "Skating Priests" from the Parish of St. Amor of Aquitane in 1999, the championship has gone to the ASA or CDSH since 1978. In fact, each team has won 19 championships each, so this year will split that tie!

Let's all come out and support great neighborhood hockey, and support the great traditions of Hispanic-American and Quebecer-American hockey this community has fostered! Did you know, in fact, that more Mexican-American NHL players have come from Armitage Heights (two) than have come from Mexico (zero)? It's true! It's also true that our community has such an outstanding reputation for Quebecer-American hockey that our metro area has been rumored to be in the running for sponsoring the only non-Quebec team in Quebec's Ligue Nord-Américaine de Hockey!

39th Annual Armitage Heights Inter-Neighborhood Hockey Classic will be held Saturday, February 24th, beginning at 8:00 pm, at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, located at 7200 North 64th Street in Kendall Park (click here for directions). The game will begin at 8:30 PM. You can purchase tickets at the box office by calling (436) 290-1111, or visiting them on the web at www.armitageheightshockey.com. If you don't speak French well, it may be easier to use the website.

A birthday celebration for a literary giant.

2007-02-19T10:06:00.000-06:00

The always outspoken Kimball F. Burin, pictured last year.

This Friday, the Armitage Heights Literary Society will be sponsoring a birthday dinner for the always controversial and much celebrated novelist, journalist, sometime politician and long-time Armitage Heights resident Kimball Francis Burin, who turns 77 tomorrow. The event will be held at 7:00 p.m. at the Stanton Ballroom in Armitage Square, located at 2300 Gilpin Avenue. Burin himself will speak, and that should be exciting, as he is just as outspoken as ever. In fact, he even referred to me on this very website last week as a "moonfaced, bed-wetting ward-heeler."

Burin has had an amazing life -- born in Brooklyn, he attended boarding school in New Hamshire, and came to earn his degree in journalism at the University of Mishipeshu, and has made his home in Armitage Heights ever since. He was appointed to this very position in 1971 during the troubled administration of Mayor Robert Freese, and resigned in 1973 to make a failed bid for the U.S. Senate. In that time, he has written dozens of celebrated works of fiction and non-fiction, including We Serve the Living (1962), Cruelty in Perfection (1975), and The People's History of Armitage Heights (1986), as well as helped found the Heights Free Press in 1967. In the interest of full disclosure, of course, it would also be relevant to mention his occasional columns for that magazine, many of which have been relentlessly critical of my term as councilman. "Single-mindedly critical and slanderous" were the exact words, in fact, of the 12th Circuit Court, who ruled in my favor last year regarding a lawsuit I brought against Mr. Burin for defamation.

However, this is not about Mr. Burin's history with me, but about his undeniable talent as a writer and public figure, which we should all be proud as a community to celebrate.

On a somewhat related note, please also be aware that members of the new Metro Council 3rd Ward Porter Weiss Memorial Novelist Laureate Search Task Force will be addressing the public on Friday evening at 7:00 p.m. as well, at the Armitage Square Women's Club, located at 2450 Gilpin Avenue. Refreshments and wine will be available, and commitee member and noted literate rocker Billy Draeger of the October Revolutionists will play a rare short solo set. There may also be a surprise special guest! The Women's Club can be reached at (436) 712-1232, or on the web at www.armitagesquare-wc.org. You can also click here for directions.

Metro Council 3rd Ward Porter Weiss Memorial Novelist Laureate Search Task Force.

2007-02-16T10:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I am proud to announce that despite the sadness of Porter Weiss' passing, this task force to name a new novelist laureate is convened! I have gathered the best writers in the area to help choose the new literary face for the neighborhood, and I think you'll be stunned at the sheer talent represented by the names below. They are the best of the best, and Armitage Heights' rich literary tradition, dating back to such beloved 19th Century icons as Kendall Park-native Octavius Leander Teslow, is carried on through them.

If you'd like to nominate a writer, contact the committee through the new website we've set up here. As they look through nominations and make a selection, I'll keep you updated. And of course, I'll be sitting in on the meeting, too!

Now, without further ado, your task force!

Marisha Ferguson, MFA in creative writing candidate, University of Mishipeshu.
You know my assistant Marisha.

Billy Draeger, literate rocker and essayist
Draeger's band, The October Revolutionists, have attracted lots of national attention for their witty, historically keen lyrics and album cover art. Recently, Draeger has begun writing columns for the Mishipeshu Free Press, dealing with the quirky history of the neighborhood and his own trials and tribulations as an up-and-coming rocker.

Jeffrey Moseley, Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist
Moseley's first novel, 1988's We Are Living Here In Hanley Now, was a heartbreaking look at the neighborhood through the eyes of a naive young man and an eccentric cast of colorful characters around him. It won him the Pulitzer Prize in Literature in 1989, and was recently made into an Academy Award-winning film starring Giovanni Ribisi. His other books have been great, too.

Jennifer Lee Jasperson, Richman Award-winning novelist
Jasperson's first novel, 2005's Ring the Bell for Break Time, was a smart, charming and quirky tale of love, sadness and Chinese finger traps. It was an immediate literary sensation and propelled this 26-year old Bryn Mawr graduate into the upper echelons of bibliophilic fame. Her follow-up is eagerly awaited, and due to be completed next year.

Ted Norlander, senior music and book critic for the Heights Free Press
Norlander's fifth book of pop culture essays Kill Them Again: The Awesome, Screaming Death of Discourse in the U.S.A. and Twelve or Thirteen Other New Half-Truths was recently published in paperback. His previous books, including You Are Awesome, But Who Will Take Your Trash Out? (Salvos From the Front Lines of the War On Screamo), They Said Simon Le Bon Was Right and I Have the Stopwatch to Prove It: Seven-and-Three-Fifths Months in the Life of the American Post-Indie Underground, and Sorry About the Disco Upstairs: New Critical Essays and Restaurant Placemat Puzzles For the Youth of America, have earned him the distinction of being one of the most unique and insightful young writers on the scene today.

Art Norman, novelist and professor of creative writing, St. Rumwald College
Mr. Norman is the legendary author of dozens of novels, beginning with his first one, We Died Because They Told Us To, in 1947, and also including such classics of 20th century literature as Last Dance, Hatchet, A Death by the Sea, The Funeral of William Henry Harrison, Parlor Music, Midnight Mass, and Hail Thee, Mighty Caesar.

Porter Weiss, 1949-2007.

2007-02-15T12:28:00.000-06:00

Porter Weiss in 1999.

Yesterday morning, both the Mishipeshu Herald-Leader and the New York Times reported the death of award-winning novelist and Armitage Heights native Porter Weiss, at the age of 57. According to the reports I've read, Mr .Weiss died suddenly in his home on Gilpin Avenue of a heart attack. This is a shocking and tragic loss for Armitage Heights and for the literary world.

As many of you know, Mr. Weiss was one of the most beloved members of the community. He was born in Hanley, grew up here, and made his home here for most of his life. His novels were brilliant, funny and strange, and almost all took place in the neighborhood. His first novel, 1985's The Armitage Heights Decalogue, was a landmark in contemporary fiction, a chronicle of the adventures of an unemployed writer named Wiley Porter, his mysterious relationship with a Chinese restaurant owner, and his subterranean journeys through the neighborhood and into his own psyche. His follow-ups, including City of Shadows (1987), Rainbow Village (1989), Here Comes the Night (1991), The Glass Mountain (1993), The Dreamers of Hanley (1995), An Illusion of Space (1997), and countless others chronicled his various obsessions: absent father figures, unemployment, crises of identity, and the mysteries of the human heart. There is an excellent feature on Mr .Weiss in the Mishipeshu Herald-Leader today that explores his work in great detail.

Unknown to many of you, however, is the fact that Mr. Weiss was the novelist laureate for the neighborhood, an honorary title bestowed on him by Mayor Underdahl in 2005. With Mr .Weiss's passing, we will need a new laureate. I have already begun work on calling together a task force, headed by my assistant Marisha, who is an MFA candidate in creative writing at the University of Mishipeshu. This committee will be made up of some of the best writers in the area, and will be charged with seeking a new novelist laureate for our neighborhood.

Stay tuned for details! I'll start announcing who's on the task force soon!

In the meantime, a memorial mass for Porter Weiss will be held tomorrow at 11:30 a.m., at St. Amor of Aquitaine Catholic Church in Hanley, located at 3703 South Armitage Avenue.

Back in cyberspace!

2007-02-07T15:19:00.000-06:00

Pardon me for my extended absence here in cyberspace, but it has been a crazy week here in the office!

My assistant Marisha has been sick with the flu for the last few days, and I believe she also broke up with her boyfriend Billy Draeger of the band the October Revolutionists. So hopefully she'll be getting through both of those rough spots in the next few days. On a related note, please stop sending emails asking for Marisha's contact information. The fact that she is now single does not mean she wants to hear from you or be your friend on "MySpace." You creeps out there know who I'm talking to.

Additionally, I was out of town for a few days to attend the annual meeting of the League of Metro City Councilpersons in Tempe, Arizona. It was a great time meeting with other city councilpersons from around the country and spreading the good word about Armitage Heights. It sure was warm in Tempe, and very pleasant, but their neighborhoods are nowhere near as vibrant as our own! For instance, Mitchell Park East, the neighborhood I was staying in, had a few nice restaurants and shops, but nothing like our own vibrant Armitage Avenue/Stanton Avenue commerical corridor! It may be colder here, but does Mitchell Park East in Tempe have:

The fact is, they do not. But Armitage Heights does!

An absolute outrage.

2007-01-30T16:37:00.000-06:00

This week, my assistant Marisha had stumbled across a reference on Wikipedia to the underage band of skateboarding delinquents known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew having a show at a contemporary art gallery in London, England. Well, needless to say, I thought it was a joke -- not a funny one, particularly, but a joke nonetheless, since the Kaos Krew have managed to confound the authorities on a number of notable occasions, both in the physical world and in Cyberspace.

I had Marisha look into it, just to be sure. A quick international phone call to London, however, confirmed my worst suspicions: the so-called Kaos Krew are indeed part of a group show in London next month called Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art! Not only that, but they are featured in a lengthy profile in Artforum magazine this month! Marisha turned up this quote:

"...this anonymous young American collective have manged to transform the Ritalin and X-Box-inundated interests of their upbringings into something larger more successfully than perhaps any other artists of their generation. They have constructed with the crudest materials and crudest intentions an almost classical pantheon, a thrilling yet ordered worldview equally informed by an insatiable consumer desire and a shapeless, amorphic class rage. They have developed their own completely and uniquely synthesized mythos that runs through their work like a bike messenger weaves in and out of city traffic, referring back to itself and to an imagined outside world, a post-capitalist cosmology complete with Valhallian heroes (themselves) and villains (a small-time local politician with the deliciously square name of Sherman Larson)..."

This is absolutely outrageous!

The so-called Kaos Krew is responsible for a virtually unbroken string of petty vandalism crimes in every one of the eight metro wards, but especially here in the 3rd! They have cost the city thousands and thousands of your tax dollars defacing public property! And this is "art"?

Virtually their only "art" is enormous stenciled drawings on the sides of warehouses of General Alfredo Stroessner and myself throughout Armitage Heights, north Hanley and south Kendall Park. Very similar, in fact, to that dreadful, poorly-executed Photoshop "drawing" which they left on this website after hacking it this month.

Also, let's not forget their ridiculous re-arrangements of words on local business marquees to spell obscene and/or inappropriate phrases. Art? Only after we were able to procure the services of a freelance Scrabble champion were we able to cut down on this criminal mischief.

I fail to see how any of this is "art" worth writing about, particularly in such ridiculous, overheated language.

Listen: I am no "square," nor am I a Philistine. My aunt Helena is on the Board at the Armitage Heights Center for Contemporary Art, so I have an idea what "contemporary art" is all about. I voted, in fact, for the procurement of the funds that enabled us to build such a great facility. So I know art when I see it, and I know a sham when I see it. It's time to put an end to this sort of coddling nonsense that is ruining our neighborhood with ugly, juvenile "art." We are taking steps to apprehend the Kaos Krew before they can travel to London for their tasteless, illegal show. Furthermore, I have sent my my assistant Marisha to the art history and criticism department at the University of Mishipeshu to speak to the most respected professors there to get a second opinion on the Kaos Krew's "work."

So believe you me, this "deliciously square" councilman has got a double vise squeezing in on these delinquents: the long arm of the law on one side, and the similarly long arm of the Armitage Heights art criticism community on the other!

Our entry on Wikipedia.

2007-01-29T12:30:00.000-06:00

It's been a little slow in the office here since the city council is out of session, so I've been having my assistant Marisha update my page on the city council's website. While she was putting together some links for the Links page, she came across Armitage Heights' entry on Wikipedia. (For those of you that don't know, "Wikipedia" is a free encyclopedia on the Internet written by regular people.)

Now, I'm always glad to see the "web community" working together to increase people's knowledge and awareness of this great neighborhood. However, I wanted to point out that the page is completely riddled with inaccuracies. It would be great if some of you amateur historians out there could pitch in and clean up certain parts.

For example, the article claims the bear that inspired the voice of Chewbacca in Star Wars once lived at the Kendall Park Zoo. I am pretty certain that is not verifiable. Furthermore, the claim that old Stanton Avenue Deli that stood at Stanton and 33rd Street for many years is the inspiration for the Mos Eisley Cantina is dubious, at best. As far as I know, George Lucas has never even visited this area.

Additionally, it makes a similarly dubious that the lyrics to the Human League's 1981 hit "Don't You Want Me?" was inspired by a local waitress that worked at the old Lakesider, back when it was a cocktail bar.

Also, the old Holy Sceptre Vestments, Ltd. company in the Cassock District primarily made cassocks for Anglican priests, not Jesuits.

It also claims that the underage gang of skaters known collectively as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew is a well-respected group of street artists that are having their debut show at a high-end gallery in London, England next month. That had better not be true. I'm going to have Marisha look into this right away.

Anyway, if anyone out there in the neighborhood could double-check these facts, that would be very helpful. Our Wikipedia page gets more hits than the official individual pages of each member of the city council put together, so it would be good if people's first impression of the neighborhood was accurate.

On the other hand, I had no idea just how many times the neighborhood has been referenced on The Simpsons. Four times, apparently.

Also, the list of punk, garage and new-wave songs that mention Armitage Avenue in the lyrics is very well-researched, as well. These are the sorts of interesting things that distinguish our neighborhood from any other.

The golden age of Sino-Mex cuisine is now!

2007-01-26T11:50:00.000-06:00

Egg rolls rancheros with a side of salsa, as only thje Burrito Pagoda can make it!

It's been about a year since the Burrito Pagoda opened in the old Cassock District on north Armitage, and I was as delighted as anyone at the adventurousness of Chef Miguel Sanchez and his wife Chef Jun Shan's resourcefulness and sense of adventure in their Sino-Mex cuisine. Well, the national media is finally catching up to what we've known all along -- check out this profile of Sanchez and Shan in the February issue of Gourmet Magazine!

Armitage Heights is gaining a reputation as a "foodie" destination for bold fusion cuisines, and it's no wonder. In the last year alone, three other Sino-Mex places have opened: the Jade Aztec in Kendall Park, Ciudad Prohibido in Armitage Hill, and San Xiao's in the Garden District.

All four are excellent -- the lo mein tacos, Hunan-style frijoles and tortas foo young at Jade Aztec are delicious, and Ciudad Prohibido makes a wonderful sweet-and-sour guacamole. Of course, the Burrito Pagoda still has, for my money, the best Generalissimo Tso's chicken available anywhere -- not to mention the simple pleasures of their legendary stir-fried nachos, a true late-night "mack down" favorite with students at the University of Mishipeshu!

Well, with all this talk about food, I definitely think I'll be sending my assistant Marisha for take-out today!

New feature! "ON THE SCENCE!"

2007-01-24T15:07:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone.

My name is Marisha Ferguson. You may know me better as Sherman's assistant. I do a lot of the paperwork and research around here, as well as doing some freelance design work, a little acting and generally attempting to finish up my masters degree in urban planning and women's studies at the University of Mishipeshu. Anyway, Councilman Larson saw an article mentioning some of the recent activity in our neighborhood's music scene in The New York Times Sunday Arts section this weekend, and he got kind of excited -- you can read the whole thing through this link.

He asked me if I wanted to write a little feature for the blog every once in awhile about what he loves to call "the rock scene" in the neighborhood. In his words, "keep people appraised of what's rockin' where, and where's rockin' when, who's rockin' with whom, and what not." I said sure, because I like going out to shows and there are some good bands around these days.

Of course, there's probably better resources than the 3rd Ward councilman's blog for information about upcoming shows, but I digress.

Anyway, the Times article dealt mostly with the scene up around the north end of Armitage Avenue in the old Cassock District, you know, where the Lakesider used to be. The article says:

The hipsters are all in agreement that Silver Lake is the new Williamsburg, which means Chicago's Wicker Park is coming up as the new Silver Lake. That makes Austin, Texas the new Wicker Park, Echo Park is the new Austin, Hoboken is the new Echo Park, and both Chapel Hill and Armitage Heights are making definite inroads into being the new Hoboken, if Chapel Hill can break free from its perceived image as the new Mission District, which most older scenesters still think of as the old pre-"new Williamsburg" Silver Lake.

The article goes on to cite some our great local bands, such as I Promise To See You Die And I Will, the October Revolutionists, Witness to the Thunder, My Other Car is a Robot, Hell Is Other People, the Do-Overs, Teenage Law Student, Fear Death By Water, the Architects of Fear, Klaxon!, and the Upper Voltas.

All those bands are pretty good. So be sure to check them out. Klaxon! and Teenage Law Student are playing this Saturday at Spike's, so that'll be a good one.

Other than that, I should probably point out that although the Upper Voltas were indeed great, they sort of broke up last month -- Andy, the bassist, ended up leaving the band to replace Chuck in Witness to the Thunder because their original bassist Nick moved to New York, so the other guys in the Upper Voltas decided to just change their name to the Anna Kournikovas, and I hear Tom, who used to play in The Dream of Horses, might be joining on keyboards. Remember The Dream of Horses? They were pretty good. They were at the Lakesider all the time.

Anyway, on that note, here's a list of bands that have broken up in the last few months: A Factory on the Moon, the Boutonnieres, Phillips Cycles, Sepak Takraw, the Song Dynasty, National Trust, the Truants, Randy Scouse Git, Super Team Spirit & the Color Line, %!*@ (good riddance, too, I told them it was stupid to a.) name a band after a Beetle Bailey reference, and b.) not even have it be pronounceable), the Atari Jaguars, International Circle, and the Stoics. So good luck to all those people in their new projects.

And I suppose that's all the news in the world of the "rock scene."

Take care,
Marisha

Winter Parade trial update.

2007-01-23T16:32:00.000-06:00

Osborne, Schultz, Carson and Reese in an undated photo, courtest of the University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity.

Yesterday, the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals cleared University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne of all charges related to the Winter Parade disturbances.

They have been free out on bond since December, and have returned to classes at the University. However, they have been suspended from the men's varsity squash team until further notice.

In a statement, the young men compared themselves to "another great man who faced down the system," the Jamaican singer Bob Marley.

The trials of handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, public access television program host Hal Halloran, unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331 are due to being later this month. Hopefully, their parents aren't top-notch trial lawyers, too.

Sources in the neighborhood are telling me that Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding has fled to Vietnam.

Hard-hitting film excitement!

2007-01-22T15:42:00.000-06:00

The legendary final scene from House of Chains (1972).

The Armitage Heights Film Society will be screening a month-long retrospective of the work of Hanley native and '70s cinematic icon Robert Donald Salloway through the months of January and February at Kendall Park Cinema.

Kendall Park Cinema is located at 201 North Stanton Avenue in Kendall Park. All films begin at 7:00 PM, and cost $8 for adults, and $5 for students and AHFS members. Visit http://www.armitagefilm.org/ for more details, or email Mark at armitagefilm@hotmail.com.

The theater's phone number is (436) 822-FILM.

Despite their undeniable historic importance and hard-hitting '70s-era social relevance, these films contain many adult situations and are not recommended for children under the age of 16.

Friday, January 26 - The Man That Killed Tomorrow (1974)
Saturday, January 27 - Tonight We Ride, Tomorrow We Die (1972)
Friday, February 8 - Blitzkrieg Over Marvin Gardens (1973)
Saturday, February 9 - The Archbishop of 42nd Street (1976)
Friday, February 16 - House of Chains (1972)
Saturday, February 17 - An Empire of Men (1975)

26th Street re-routing: here come the Freemasons!

2007-01-19T14:16:00.000-06:00

The new proposed street sign for the re-routed 26th Street.

Well, there is a definite sarcastic streak running through the 3rd Ward, I see. Generally, the letters I've received about my last post regarding the re-routing of 26th were very positive, but here's a sample of one of the more negative ones:

dear mr. larson,

wow, way to stand up against the freemasons, sir. how bold. next i'd like to see you take on the whigs, carpetbaggers, prussians and zeppelin pilots that continue to terrorize our neighborhood.

regards,
vick in hanley

Well, ha ha. Point taken.

I want to be clear, though, that my problem is not with Freemasons themselves. My grandfather was a Mason. My problem is with dangerous, outdated notions of how a city street should flow.

Call me unsentimental, but I do not think it's unreasonable to think that the primary purpose of a city street is to regulate the orderly flow of automobile, bicycle and foot traffic, not to create a mystical arrangement of lines that, when viewed from above, reflect the perfect symmetrical will of the Divine Architect.

Some of you don't see things that way. Namely, Grand Master Eldon Sommers, 33°, of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Chapter of Armitage Heights Lodge of Approved Freemasons No. 1, writing in this letter dated January 18:

I cannot think of a time since the 19th Century heyday of the Anti-Freemason Party when the traditions of Freemasonry were more under assault. We have contributed to the prosperity and well-being of this community for generations, and yet we find at every turn our historical figures have been slandered at your hands, and our architectural contributions to the unique heritage of this area maligned and denigrated as dangerous and even deadly. 26th Street in its current arrangement is beautiful and inspiring.

Surprisingly, many of you seem to feel this way. I can see that this debate has touched off a nerve.

Again, it's important that I let you know that the feelings of Freemasons of all rites, whether Scottish, Grand College, Shriner, Templar or Rosicrucian, are important to me as your councilman. I still do not feel that 26th Street is safe or practical in its present configuration.

However, in the spirit of compromise, I would like to make the following suggestion. I propose that the stretch of road that will connect Stanton Avenue and Gilpin Avenue past the Square be renamed Mysterious Order of the Veiled Prophet of the Enchanted Realm Street, in honor the great Masonic organization that once thrived in this neighborhood. That way, we can both honor the past, and enjoy the present.

Additionally, such a unique, "quirky" name will stand out in the neighborhood, and certainly endear itself to residents and visitors alike. I can imagine future generations referring fondly to it as, say, "Mysterious Street," "ol' 'Chanty Street," or maybe "Movper Street" (the acronym for Mysterious Order of the Veiled Prophet of the Enchanted Realm).

Perhaps we could even rezone the whole area as a historic heritage site, much like the Epseranto or Poutine Districts. The businesses along the new street could reflect the area's heritage, like "Entered Apprecentice Coffeeshop," or "Order of the Eastern Star Bagels." Imagine, a whole Freemasonry District!

So let's think about it, Freemason and non-Freemason alike.

Regardless of the name, construction should begin in early March, and will be completed by early 2009.