Dazed fellow hostage Mark Imbretson (as Larry Bird), moments after our rescue.
The twenty-two days I spent in Irish billionaire Tynan Tiarchnach's illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league were some of the most challenging of my life -- and some of the most rewarding. We were forced to play three games a day, refer to each other using only our illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league names, and wear Celtic uniforms whose shorts left nothing to the imagination -- and, where relevant, blonde wigs and mustaches. But despite that, the camaraderie I formed with my fellow hostages, and the great times we shared in winning the forced simulation of the 1984 NBA championship made it feel less like a simulation whose outcome was mapped out, but more like the result of real teamwork in action, a commitment to persevere, and a will to be winners! There were some times when I almost forgot we were hostages.
So here is a tribute to the men and woman that comprised our championship illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league team. They are all fine, healthy and on their way back home -- and they are some of the best men and woman I've ever had the pleasure of encountering.
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Larry Bird equivalent:
Mark Imbertson, 19, student
New Brighton, MN
This kid was unbelievable! He had the biggest shoes to fill as "the hick from French Lick," but he was amazing out there on the boards. He definitely earned his extra rations! I hope the Golden Gophers management are paying attention, because this kid is on fire!
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Robert Parish equivalent:
Hanson Lenk, 39, optometrist
Schaumberg, IL
Hanson was a real trouper. What else can I say?
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Kevin McHale equivalent:
Bruce Hagen, 43, software engineer
Philadelphia, PA
Poor Bruce had been a hostage longer than all of us -- he was kidnapped by Tiarchnach's operatives on a vacation to Venice six months ago. He was in great shape, though, and was actually the one that managed to sneak out and alert the authorities. Good lay-up, too.
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Dennis Johnson equivalent:
Patrick Cotrell, Ph.D., 35, professor of art history
Springfield, MO
Dr. Cotrell had the hardest time of all of us -- he didn't have any idea who Dennis Johnson was, and had only barely heard of Larry Bird, which infuriated our captors. Luckily, we were able to "clue him in" after lights-out without the guards knowing. Being a professor, he was a quick study!
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Cedric Maxwell equivalent:
Chuck Lurati, 53, city council member
Pittsfield, MA
Chuck is also a public servant! A representative of Pittsfield's Ward Seven, we bonded right away. In fact, we became a great two-person civic juggernaut on the boards. I'm looking forward to seeing him at the annual city government convention in Palm Springs this year.
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Gerald Henderson equivalent:
Don Douglas, 30, pastry chef
Brampton, Ontario
Great hustle!
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Scott Wedman equivalent:
Senthilkumar Venkattasetty, 24, programmer
Palo Alto, CA
Also a vegetarian, just like the real Soctt Wedman!
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Quinn Buckner equivalent:
Adam Elliott, 20, student
Lansing, MI
Another "kid" that made us oldsters look bad out there! He always shared his rations with us.
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage M.L. Carr equivalent:
Dae-Hyun Park, 22, graduate student
Seoul, South Korea
No slouch on free throws! The only non-English speaker among us, but he did a really passable M.L. impersonation.
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Greg Kite equivalent:
Jessica Swallen, 22, barista
Austin, TX
Jessica was a great sport (she was forced to wear a mustache at all times to resemble Greg Kite), and not bad on free throws. It turns out that she was a big fan of the indie-rock band the October Revolutionists, who she was excited to learn are from Armitage Heights! I hope that my assistant Marisha and her can become friends on Facebook, because they have a lot of interests in common.
1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Carlos Clark equivalent:
Carlos Clark, 47, high school basketball coach
Naples, FL
Astonishingly, this is the same Carlos Clark that actually played for the Celtics in 1984 -- they managed to kidnap the real one! Carlos kept us sane with his tales of the 1984 Celtics. He should write a book about it!
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