I am back! And what a tale I have to tell!

Hello again, everyone!

I am writing you this message from the American consulate in Dubai, UAE, in a nice, cool, air-conditioned office overlooking the Persian Gulf. What a wild few weeks!

My apologies for causing anyone distress over my disappearance. I am safe now, but it was looking bad for a little while.

The truth about where I was is too strange to make up, but the gist of it is this: it turns out the U2-themed tour group that I used is very, very unscrupulous. I probably should have looked a little closer at their licensing. But basically, I was taken into a house I was told belonged to U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr. (it did not), administered powerful drugs, and shipped without my consent from Ireland all the way to Dubai. There, in an underground pleasure prison owned by a wealthy Dublin expatriate on an artificially-constructed Ireland-themed island, I was forced to impersonate Danny Ainge (left) in an all-hostage on-court re-enactment of the 1984 season of the Boston Celtics (that's the year they beat the Lakers in the NBA championship).

It's hard to believe, but it's true.

I couldn't believe my jump shot was still fairly decent, too -- I haven't played much ball since high school (you locals will remember that I was a backbencher for Wihinapa High's 1986 team, the one that lost in the southern regional playoffs to Mesquakie).

This went on for about two weeks -- the Celtics' 1984 season meticulously recreated at gunpoint by a gang of Irish-American roughnecks in the employ of a Dublin billionaire in an underground dungeon decorated to resemble the interior of Boston Garden, right down to the parquet floor. Finally, the man they had playing Kevin Hale, a software engineer from Philadelphia, escaped and alerted the authorities just a few days ago. In the middle of our forced re-enactment of Game 3 against the hostage faux-Lakers, the Dubai Police Force, in collaboration with the Irish Garda Síochána, private investigators hired by local venture capitalist and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz, and Interpol agents, burst in through the skylights and had the entire operation shut down in minutes. Once they did, they joined us on the court for a little pick-up game -- hostage faux-Celtics, Gardas and private investigators vs. hostage faux-Lakers, Interpol agents and Dubai policemen!

Our captor was an Irish businessman and billionaire named Tynan Tiarchnach who owned a mansion on the Ireland island of the so-called "World" project in Dubai (right). It turns out he was wanted in Ireland for tax evasion. He will now be tried in Dubai for human trafficking, and then extradited to Ireland.

Despite all of the dangers -- I endured some serious sleep deprivation, minor abrasions and a torn hamstring from a shot I took up against hostage faux-James Worthy -- I had a truly wonderful time! Dubai is beautiful! The American consulate has been amazing, and there are many exciting business opportunities here that our community may want to explore in the future. Ireland, too, was marvelous, or at least up until the kidnapping. I would encourage everyone to be sure that if they take a U2-themed tour of Ireland or any other country, please use a travel group registered with either a legitimate travel agency or through U2 themselves.

I understand things were quite busy in my absence. with the whole spectacle of the Romney family debacle -- Mitt Romney is calling for my resignation for allowing myself to be kidnapped, which is ridiculous. My assistant Marisha also seems to be enduring some venom from certain quarters of the conservative blogosphere, which is unfortunate. I'll answer these charges when the time comes.

On a side note, Interpol also took the trouble to recover my all time career stats in the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league, so please enjoy them below! I return to Armitage Heights on Saturday, and I will be so glad to be back, serving this fine community as your city councilman!

Special election update, with guest blogger Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward)

Greetings, faithful Clarion readers. As you may have read, I will be taking over this blog for Councilman Larson this month while he is on his privately-funded vacation to the English Isles.

Councilman Larson has also asked to me stay in his house in Wihinapa in his home ward while he is away. He had mentioned that I am free to do as I wish with it in his absence, so I have decided to take this opportunity to use the house for a critically important civic function that I am certain Councilman Larson would approve of.

As you know, the legislature has voted to move the state's 2008 primaries up to February, along with South Carolina, New Hampshire and Iowa. As a result, this has become a very important and hotly-contested battleground state in the upcoming presidential elections. Of course, Pierce County and the metro area represents a significant portion of the state's electorate, and with a booming Republican population explosion in our suburbs and exurbs. This includes my own district, the 8th Ward, where I was the first Republican elected in over 30 years. It's an exciting time to be a Republican in the metro right now, and many of the Republican presidential candidates have been visiting recently to learn about the great projects we've got going here, and to get the word out about their campaigns.

Of all of the candidates running, I myself have been deeply impressed with Mitt Romney. He has the vision, candor and strength of determination to lead our country in these dangerous times. So when I found that he was hoping to set up a campaign basecamp here, I jumped at the opportunity to help out. I threw a fundraiser last week at my own home in Croxton, and was glad to meet both Romney and his amazingly gorgeous wife Ann, but also his five articulate and bright grown children: Biff Romney, Scott Romney, Brian Romney, Eric Romney and Mark Romney. We had a grand time together, and was impressed with these young men's dedication to serving their country by campaigning with their dad (here's a picture of Mitt, Ann, Biff, Scott and one of the other ones at my house).

So I decided to offer my services. Councilman Larson will be gone from his house for a whole month, and it's a nice house, so I've decided to offer up Sherman's residence as a sort of Romney brothers "base camp" for these fine young men to use for the next few weeks while they work to get the word out about their dad's campaign in Armitage Heights. And this is nothing if not a neighborhood that needs to hear the good news that these cleancut, patriotic young men are putting out there.

I'll be inviting Biff, Scott, Brian, Eric and Mark to post occassionally here -- nothing too partisan, just some thoughts about this great neighborhood while they're working here. I think they will have great fun staying in Sherman's house and taking care of it in his absence, and about their adventures working to make the 3rd Ward a better place.

So welcome to Armitage Heights, Romney brothers!

Time for "One" great vacation...and a guest blogger!

This guy might be my tour guide!

Well, my goodness, what a busy few weeks! My apologies for not writing recently, but the middle of summer is a surprisingly busy time around City Hall. The last session of the council wrapped up, but summer is the time for renovations and repair work around the building. So if you can believe it, I've been working over a tarp for three weeks straight!

August, though, is traditionally time for a vacation around City Hall, and it's my plan to leave for it this weekend. I have to brag a little, though, because I am so thrilled about this one: I'll be taking a U2-themed tour of Ireland! As you probably know, I am a big, big fan of U2 (their hard-hitting anthems of social justice were what got me interested in politics to begin with), and when I saw that this company in Dublin was offering exclusive tours of their homeland for fans of the band, I just had to take the opportunity! The tour begins in Dublin, where I'll be seeing the primary school where Bono met the Edge, the rock clubs where they got their start, and the pubs that they frequented as they set out to change the world of rock and roll -- and the world itself -- forever! I am so excited I can hardly believe it! I'll be sure to send back lots of pictures, and maybe post a few times if I have the chance.

But if I can't, you'll be in good hands with these two people:


Your (temporary!) guide to Armitage Heights: Reeves Sinderman and his assistant Megan.

I am pleased to announce that my colleague Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward) will be filling in for me while I'm away here at the Clarion. As you know, Reeves represents the 8th Ward, which is comprised of the Croxton, Mount Gresham, Seabridge, Ostegwan and East Pond District neighborhoods in the east metro, right on the edge of Pierce County. He will be given a helping hand by his assistant Megan Van Deest, who recently moved back to her hometown after graduating magna cum laude with a political science degree at Vassar (and also leading their women's forensics team to three consecutive national championships!). Reeves lives in Croxton, but he will actually be staying at my house in Wihinapa for the duration of my vacation. So I anticipate some fascinating "blogging" about our wonderful neighborhood from the perspective of a non-resident!

My assistant Marisha will still be around, too, so maybe she'll be posting here and there about anything exciting around the neighborhood. I'm hoping that perhaps Megan and her can do some joint posts about some of the challenges of being a twentysomething in the city. She and Marisha are two of the best and brightest our metro area has to offer!

So with that, may I say "cheers," and see you in Ireland!

Election news from all over!

Wow, what a whirlwind week! As I'm sure you know, half of the city council primaries were held last Tuesday, and what a lot of excitement there has been! Of course, you all well know I don't like to spend much time here talking partisan politics -- I prefer to think of this blog as an enjoyable resource to keep everyone in the neighborhood up-to-date on all the facets of life in Armitage Heights, not just the political aspects. But Tuesday night was exciting enough to warrant some mention.

Of course, I ran unopposed in the Democratic primary for this seat, but there was a vigorous contest for the Republican seat. Much to everyone's surprise, Wihinapa building contractor Barry G. Johannsen, the youngest son of the late Marla Manda Johannsen, defeated his opponent, Armitage Hill businessman Feltzer Carlson Messing, Sr., by just three percentage points. It was a tightly-contested race all the way to the end, and Mr. Johnnsen certainly takes after his mother in his "take no prisoners" approach to campaigning. So it looks as if I'll be up against Mr. Johannsen in the fall, and I'm looking forward to an invigorating, exciting campaign!

Despite the fact that this is outside our neighborhood, I should also mention that Stephen Massey Keller (R-8th Ward) was defeated in Tuesday's Republican primary. Too bad, Stephen -- I enjoyed working with you! He is a talented man that will definitely find exciting new opportunities outside public service to advance his fascinating ideas about mass transit.

New "fashion stars"? An outrage.

Well, my assistant Marisha recently brought an interesting media item to my attention, and I can't say I'm very pleased about it. It seems as if our very own Armitage Heights Kaos Krew has made quite a splash in England following their contemptible, illegal art show in London last January, and have had a full ten-page spread devoted to them in this month's issue of the British fashion magazine ON, along with ridiculous photos of the sort pictured above, and fawning text describing their "clear-eyed vision for an exciting new direction in street art." The article even mentions that they have been tapped to collaboratively direct a music video for ex-Blur frontman Damon Albarn and UK hip-hop star Lady Sovereign, both of whom are said to be "massive fans" of their work!

May I just remind everyone that these "artists" were six months ago a bunch of punks running around Kendall Park "tagging" garages? This is an absolute outrage!

Of course, this ironically may be the beginning of the end for these hoodlums. The article finally lists their identities as 2Shy, Li'l Warsaw and Docta Sabotage. These pseudonyms may not help us in revealing their heretofore-unknown identities, but the picture above is the first printed photo of the gang -- and that we can use to identify them! In fact, the hoodlum standing on on the left in the shot, "2Shy," has been positively identified by Principal Barbara Dunlap of St. Rumwald Academy as 21-year old former student Scott Munsch of Wihinapa, pictured at left in his 2002 yearbook photograph. The identity of the other two are not known as of yet, but rest assured that we will find out who they are, track them down, and bring them home to face the consequences of their destructive hacking, marquee-defacing and dangerous hijinks. In the meantime, we can only prevail to the good people of the United Kingdom to end their infatuation with these thuggish young men.

In the meantime, if you'd like to be further outraged, you can read additional news items about the Kaos Krew's glowing reviews in the British art press, the rumours that the Krew has been invited to curate next year's All Tomorrow's Parties music festival in London, and sordid tales of their debaucherous stay across the pond, hanging around models and British jungle DJs.

If you'd prefer to do something constructive, though, send an email to the British Fashion Council and demand they stop coddling criminals! You can reach them by email at uk.press@londonfashionweek.co.uk.