A "shout out" for my fellow survivors of the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league!

Dazed fellow hostage Mark Imbretson (as Larry Bird), moments after our rescue.

The twenty-two days I spent in Irish billionaire Tynan Tiarchnach's illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league were some of the most challenging of my life -- and some of the most rewarding. We were forced to play three games a day, refer to each other using only our illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league names, and wear Celtic uniforms whose shorts left nothing to the imagination -- and, where relevant, blonde wigs and mustaches. But despite that, the camaraderie I formed with my fellow hostages, and the great times we shared in winning the forced simulation of the 1984 NBA championship made it feel less like a simulation whose outcome was mapped out, but more like the result of real teamwork in action, a commitment to persevere, and a will to be winners! There were some times when I almost forgot we were hostages.

So here is a tribute to the men and woman that comprised our championship illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league team. They are all fine, healthy and on their way back home -- and they are some of the best men and woman I've ever had the pleasure of encountering.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Larry Bird equivalent:
Mark Imbertson, 19, student
New Brighton, MN
This kid was unbelievable! He had the biggest shoes to fill as "the hick from French Lick," but he was amazing out there on the boards. He definitely earned his extra rations! I hope the Golden Gophers management are paying attention, because this kid is on fire!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Robert Parish equivalent:
Hanson Lenk, 39, optometrist
Schaumberg, IL
Hanson was a real trouper. What else can I say?

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Kevin McHale equivalent:
Bruce Hagen, 43, software engineer
Philadelphia, PA
Poor Bruce had been a hostage longer than all of us -- he was kidnapped by Tiarchnach's operatives on a vacation to Venice six months ago. He was in great shape, though, and was actually the one that managed to sneak out and alert the authorities. Good lay-up, too.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Dennis Johnson equivalent:
Patrick Cotrell, Ph.D., 35, professor of art history
Springfield, MO
Dr. Cotrell had the hardest time of all of us -- he didn't have any idea who Dennis Johnson was, and had only barely heard of Larry Bird, which infuriated our captors. Luckily, we were able to "clue him in" after lights-out without the guards knowing. Being a professor, he was a quick study!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Cedric Maxwell equivalent:
Chuck Lurati, 53, city council member
Pittsfield, MA
Chuck is also a public servant! A representative of Pittsfield's Ward Seven, we bonded right away. In fact, we became a great two-person civic juggernaut on the boards. I'm looking forward to seeing him at the annual city government convention in Palm Springs this year.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Gerald Henderson equivalent:
Don Douglas, 30, pastry chef
Brampton, Ontario
Great hustle!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Scott Wedman equivalent:
Senthilkumar Venkattasetty, 24, programmer
Palo Alto, CA
Also a vegetarian, just like the real Soctt Wedman!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Quinn Buckner equivalent:
Adam Elliott, 20, student
Lansing, MI
Another "kid" that made us oldsters look bad out there! He always shared his rations with us.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage M.L. Carr equivalent:
Dae-Hyun Park, 22, graduate student
Seoul, South Korea
No slouch on free throws! The only non-English speaker among us, but he did a really passable M.L. impersonation.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Greg Kite equivalent:
Jessica Swallen, 22, barista
Austin, TX
Jessica was a great sport (she was forced to wear a mustache at all times to resemble Greg Kite), and not bad on free throws. It turns out that she was a big fan of the indie-rock band the October Revolutionists, who she was excited to learn are from Armitage Heights! I hope that my assistant Marisha and her can become friends on Facebook, because they have a lot of interests in common.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Carlos Clark equivalent:
Carlos Clark, 47, high school basketball coach
Naples, FL
Astonishingly, this is the same Carlos Clark that actually played for the Celtics in 1984 -- they managed to kidnap the real one! Carlos kept us sane with his tales of the 1984 Celtics. He should write a book about it!

I am back! And what a tale I have to tell!

Hello again, everyone!

I am writing you this message from the American consulate in Dubai, UAE, in a nice, cool, air-conditioned office overlooking the Persian Gulf. What a wild few weeks!

My apologies for causing anyone distress over my disappearance. I am safe now, but it was looking bad for a little while.

The truth about where I was is too strange to make up, but the gist of it is this: it turns out the U2-themed tour group that I used is very, very unscrupulous. I probably should have looked a little closer at their licensing. But basically, I was taken into a house I was told belonged to U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr. (it did not), administered powerful drugs, and shipped without my consent from Ireland all the way to Dubai. There, in an underground pleasure prison owned by a wealthy Dublin expatriate on an artificially-constructed Ireland-themed island, I was forced to impersonate Danny Ainge (left) in an all-hostage on-court re-enactment of the 1984 season of the Boston Celtics (that's the year they beat the Lakers in the NBA championship).

It's hard to believe, but it's true.

I couldn't believe my jump shot was still fairly decent, too -- I haven't played much ball since high school (you locals will remember that I was a backbencher for Wihinapa High's 1986 team, the one that lost in the southern regional playoffs to Mesquakie).

This went on for about two weeks -- the Celtics' 1984 season meticulously recreated at gunpoint by a gang of Irish-American roughnecks in the employ of a Dublin billionaire in an underground dungeon decorated to resemble the interior of Boston Garden, right down to the parquet floor. Finally, the man they had playing Kevin Hale, a software engineer from Philadelphia, escaped and alerted the authorities just a few days ago. In the middle of our forced re-enactment of Game 3 against the hostage faux-Lakers, the Dubai Police Force, in collaboration with the Irish Garda Síochána, private investigators hired by local venture capitalist and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz, and Interpol agents, burst in through the skylights and had the entire operation shut down in minutes. Once they did, they joined us on the court for a little pick-up game -- hostage faux-Celtics, Gardas and private investigators vs. hostage faux-Lakers, Interpol agents and Dubai policemen!

Our captor was an Irish businessman and billionaire named Tynan Tiarchnach who owned a mansion on the Ireland island of the so-called "World" project in Dubai (right). It turns out he was wanted in Ireland for tax evasion. He will now be tried in Dubai for human trafficking, and then extradited to Ireland.

Despite all of the dangers -- I endured some serious sleep deprivation, minor abrasions and a torn hamstring from a shot I took up against hostage faux-James Worthy -- I had a truly wonderful time! Dubai is beautiful! The American consulate has been amazing, and there are many exciting business opportunities here that our community may want to explore in the future. Ireland, too, was marvelous, or at least up until the kidnapping. I would encourage everyone to be sure that if they take a U2-themed tour of Ireland or any other country, please use a travel group registered with either a legitimate travel agency or through U2 themselves.

I understand things were quite busy in my absence. with the whole spectacle of the Romney family debacle -- Mitt Romney is calling for my resignation for allowing myself to be kidnapped, which is ridiculous. My assistant Marisha also seems to be enduring some venom from certain quarters of the conservative blogosphere, which is unfortunate. I'll answer these charges when the time comes.

On a side note, Interpol also took the trouble to recover my all time career stats in the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league, so please enjoy them below! I return to Armitage Heights on Saturday, and I will be so glad to be back, serving this fine community as your city councilman!

¡Fiebre del hockey sobre hielo! Le hockey sur glace fièvre!

The Poutine District's Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport.

Anyway you translate it, it says "hockey fever"! And the whole 3rd Ward has it!

Or, primarily the Canadian French- and Spanish-speaking parts of the 3rd Ward have it. This Saturday, the 39th Annual Armitage Heights Inter-Neighborhood Hockey Classic will take place between at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, in the Poutine District. As has been the case for as long as I can recall, the two dominant teams once again are the Mélangeurs, representing the Poutine District's Association Sportive D'Amateur (ASA), and the Monstruos Hielos from South Hanley's Consejo Deportes (CDSH). It was a great season for the amateur hockey leagues around town, and teams from South Kendall Park, Wihinapa, Little Warsaw, Armitage Hill, East Hanley, the Cassock District and West Hanley all fielded hard-playing squads. But in Armitage Heights, it almost always comes down to the Monstruos and the Mélangeurs! With the notable exception of the year of the so-called "Skating Priests" from the Parish of St. Amor of Aquitane in 1999, the championship has gone to the ASA or CDSH since 1978. In fact, each team has won 19 championships each, so this year will split that tie!

Let's all come out and support great neighborhood hockey, and support the great traditions of Hispanic-American and Quebecer-American hockey this community has fostered! Did you know, in fact, that more Mexican-American NHL players have come from Armitage Heights (two) than have come from Mexico (zero)? It's true! It's also true that our community has such an outstanding reputation for Quebecer-American hockey that our metro area has been rumored to be in the running for sponsoring the only non-Quebec team in Quebec's Ligue Nord-Américaine de Hockey!

39th Annual Armitage Heights Inter-Neighborhood Hockey Classic will be held Saturday, February 24th, beginning at 8:00 pm, at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, located at 7200 North 64th Street in Kendall Park (click here for directions). The game will begin at 8:30 PM. You can purchase tickets at the box office by calling (436) 290-1111, or visiting them on the web at www.armitageheightshockey.com. If you don't speak French well, it may be easier to use the website.

The future of NBA overflow parking in our neighborhood.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of letters I have received recently regarding the proposed demolition of the Armitage Orpheum Theater at 2500 East Stanton Avenue next month. For those of you that aren't aware, the city acquired the site through eminent domain last year for the purpose of constructing an overflow parking annex for the new Office Depot Arena being built west of Kendall Park -- the new home of the NBA's fightin'est five-man squad, our beloved hometown Voyageurs!

However, many of you have voiced your concern about our plans. For example, here is an excerpt from a letter from the Armitage Heights Historic Preservation Council:

To destroy the Orpheum would be a cataclysmic act of cultural terrorism...The Orpheum was built in 1870 using nineteen tons of upstate granite and marble, and had wood door and window fixtures imported all the way from Italy. At the the time of its construction, it seated 4,000 people and was the largest theater built west of the Mishipeshu River. Its opening night gala, a performance by the "Swedish Songbird" Jenny Lind, was attended by U.S. Vice President Schuyler Colfax and noted author Mark Twain. When Oscar Wilde spoke there in 1889, he remarked that it was the "loveliest theater in the Republic."

Here is an early photograph of the Orpheum from its opening season:



OK. Point taken.

But let's just be reasonable here. Let's look at the facts.

The fact is, I value the historic properties in our neighborhood as much as anyone -- heck, my house in the Wihinapa neighborhood was built around 1870, too! But there are some things that letter doesn't mention. The Orpheum is in dismal shape, a complete state of disrepair, and hasn't been a legitimate theater since 1971. It was an adult theater throughout the '70s and '80s, and with the exception of a troupe of transgendered performance artists that used it as a venue for their frankly distasteful urine-themed spectacles in 1992 and '94, it has not been occupied since then. And with our Voyageurs being perennial contenders for the NBA Mid-Central Conference championship three years running, they need the right space to shine in! Their fans, then, need to the right space to park in, should the main parking ramp be full.

Fortunately, we have arrived at a decision that I think will satisfy fans of NBA basketball in the city, and will also honor the history of the site. The city has hired the architecture firm Rice, Daniels + Carmichael to create the new overflow parking annex. RD+C are award-winning architects that have designed some of the most critically-acclaimed parking structures in the country, from the 3rd Street Municipal Parking Ramp in downtown Seattle to the 3rd Street Municipal Parking Ramp (no relation) in Philadelphia. Their plan is to integrate some of the old features of the Orpheum into the new structure:




Furthermore, the old building's heritage will be honored with parking levels named for the various luminaries that brightened the stage over the years, from the Adele and Fred Astaire Blue Level Ramp all the way to the Zeppo Marx Green Level Ramp. The structure itself, in fact, will be designated the Historic Armitage Heights Orpehum Municipal Overflow Parking Annex, and a historic marker will be placed right on Stanton Avenue for all to read. The grandeur and history of this overflow parking annex may threaten to even overshadow the main parking ramp itself!

But in all seriousness, let me just say that when we work together as a community, these are the kinds of positive results we can get. That's why ours is one of the most progressive, livable cities in the country, and to paraphrase Mr. Wilde, why Armitage Heights is the loveliest neigborhood in the city!

Best,
Sherman