More Winter Parade fall-out.

Marla Manda Johanssen, as pictured in today's press release.

As your 3rd Ward councilman, I must use this opportunity to appeal to your collective sense of reason as a community.

We are all very upset over the events of the Winter Parade acquittal, and no one is more upset than I am that Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding has apparently absconded to Vietnam to hide from the forces of law and order. Still, there is no reason to believe that due process, extradition practices and solid diplomacy will not eventually work this situation out. Dr. Harding, dangerous radical though he may be, is a reasonable, respected man. Surely he will turn himself in, or at the very least be apprehended by legitimate law enforcement agencies.

There is no need for mob action. I say this only because I have received a "press release" from handgun activist and right-wing editorialist Marla Manda Johanssen, urging Armitage Heighters to join her immediately on a trip to Vietnam, leaving this weekend, to find Dr. Harding and, I quote: "bring his left-wing, urban-gardening, treasonous, candy-cane brandishing, atheistic Jane Fonda-loving old keister to justice -- by any means necessary."

Besides being unnecessarily inflammatory (I know for a fact, for instance, that Dr. Harding was a long-time member of Kendall Park First Unitarian Church, so therefore not "atheistic"), it's a dangerous idea. The idea of an elderly woman travelling to Southeast Asia in an obviously agitated state, possibly with a posse of some kind, and potentially carrying illegal weapons, is a very poor one by any standard.

Please, Ms. Johanssen, for the sake of the community: do not undertake this "mission." Let the justice system work it out safely and legally. Even at this early stage, community leaders such as the unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski have denounced Ms. Johanssen's poorly-conceived plan of action. Please let her know yourself by contacting her personally at her website: www.hardingmustpay.org/vietnam.html.

Winter Parade trial: acquittals for all.

Yesterday, Judge Martin F. Pickert of Pierce County Superior Court ruled to acquit the entire slate of defendants related to the December Winter Parade disturbances, a number that included outspoken handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, "...From My Cold Dead Hands" television program host and right-wing radio program panelist Hal Halloran (pictured with his attorney on the left), unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and award-winning, frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331. (Of course, radical urban guerilla and Viet Cong terrorist Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large for the time being, and the Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and men's varsity squash team members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne were acquitted in January).

I'd like to say that while I am very disappointed in the ruling, I believe it is in the best interest of the community to put this awful chapter behind us.

All the defendants held press conferences afterwards to state to reporters their future plans. In the interest of public dialogue, I will list them here, though I would like to state that I do not approve in any way of any of this:

• Johannsen will have a letter to the editor published in the Herald-Leader later this week and claims she plans to travel to Vietnam with a small group of friends to bring Dr. Harding to justice personally using, in her own words "any necessary force."



• Halloran plans to write a book on his experiences entitled Winter Hell, American Justice: My True-Life Adventures In Fighting The Left-Wing Anti-Christian Armitage Heights Soviet And Their Attempts To Silence My American Message Of Liberty, the Right to Bear Arms and the Gospel Of Jesus Christ. Expect to see that at gun shows and late-night informerical later this year
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• The unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski will be the guest preacher at the Kendall Park First Unitarian Church this Sunday.



• Jennifer #4720331 will debut her new performance piece based on her experiences later in March at the Armitage Heights Center for New Media. The piece will be entitled Silent Night Holy Night All Is Calm All Is Bright Round Yon Virgin Mother And Child Holy Infant So Tender and Mild Sleep in Heavenly Peace Sleep in Heavenly Peace. An image from the piece is pictured at right. Infuratingly, she has been invited to perform at the Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art show with the Kaos Krew, now showing in London, England.

So that awful event is all behind us now. I'm so glad to know that the best way to get your name known in town is to chase elected officials through the freezing streets of Armitage Square, brandishing a flaming fiberglass candy cane over your head and shouting incoherently.

¡Fiebre del hockey sobre hielo! Le hockey sur glace fièvre!

The Poutine District's Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport.

Anyway you translate it, it says "hockey fever"! And the whole 3rd Ward has it!

Or, primarily the Canadian French- and Spanish-speaking parts of the 3rd Ward have it. This Saturday, the 39th Annual Armitage Heights Inter-Neighborhood Hockey Classic will take place between at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, in the Poutine District. As has been the case for as long as I can recall, the two dominant teams once again are the Mélangeurs, representing the Poutine District's Association Sportive D'Amateur (ASA), and the Monstruos Hielos from South Hanley's Consejo Deportes (CDSH). It was a great season for the amateur hockey leagues around town, and teams from South Kendall Park, Wihinapa, Little Warsaw, Armitage Hill, East Hanley, the Cassock District and West Hanley all fielded hard-playing squads. But in Armitage Heights, it almost always comes down to the Monstruos and the Mélangeurs! With the notable exception of the year of the so-called "Skating Priests" from the Parish of St. Amor of Aquitane in 1999, the championship has gone to the ASA or CDSH since 1978. In fact, each team has won 19 championships each, so this year will split that tie!

Let's all come out and support great neighborhood hockey, and support the great traditions of Hispanic-American and Quebecer-American hockey this community has fostered! Did you know, in fact, that more Mexican-American NHL players have come from Armitage Heights (two) than have come from Mexico (zero)? It's true! It's also true that our community has such an outstanding reputation for Quebecer-American hockey that our metro area has been rumored to be in the running for sponsoring the only non-Quebec team in Quebec's Ligue Nord-Américaine de Hockey!

39th Annual Armitage Heights Inter-Neighborhood Hockey Classic will be held Saturday, February 24th, beginning at 8:00 pm, at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, located at 7200 North 64th Street in Kendall Park (click here for directions). The game will begin at 8:30 PM. You can purchase tickets at the box office by calling (436) 290-1111, or visiting them on the web at www.armitageheightshockey.com. If you don't speak French well, it may be easier to use the website.

A birthday celebration for a literary giant.

The always outspoken Kimball F. Burin, pictured last year.

This Friday, the Armitage Heights Literary Society will be sponsoring a birthday dinner for the always controversial and much celebrated novelist, journalist, sometime politician and long-time Armitage Heights resident Kimball Francis Burin, who turns 77 tomorrow. The event will be held at 7:00 p.m. at the Stanton Ballroom in Armitage Square, located at 2300 Gilpin Avenue. Burin himself will speak, and that should be exciting, as he is just as outspoken as ever. In fact, he even referred to me on this very website last week as a "moonfaced, bed-wetting ward-heeler."

Burin has had an amazing life -- born in Brooklyn, he attended boarding school in New Hamshire, and came to earn his degree in journalism at the University of Mishipeshu, and has made his home in Armitage Heights ever since. He was appointed to this very position in 1971 during the troubled administration of Mayor Robert Freese, and resigned in 1973 to make a failed bid for the U.S. Senate. In that time, he has written dozens of celebrated works of fiction and non-fiction, including We Serve the Living (1962), Cruelty in Perfection (1975), and The People's History of Armitage Heights (1986), as well as helped found the Heights Free Press in 1967. In the interest of full disclosure, of course, it would also be relevant to mention his occasional columns for that magazine, many of which have been relentlessly critical of my term as councilman. "Single-mindedly critical and slanderous" were the exact words, in fact, of the 12th Circuit Court, who ruled in my favor last year regarding a lawsuit I brought against Mr. Burin for defamation.

However, this is not about Mr. Burin's history with me, but about his undeniable talent as a writer and public figure, which we should all be proud as a community to celebrate.

On a somewhat related note, please also be aware that members of the new Metro Council 3rd Ward Porter Weiss Memorial Novelist Laureate Search Task Force will be addressing the public on Friday evening at 7:00 p.m. as well, at the Armitage Square Women's Club, located at 2450 Gilpin Avenue. Refreshments and wine will be available, and commitee member and noted literate rocker Billy Draeger of the October Revolutionists will play a rare short solo set. There may also be a surprise special guest! The Women's Club can be reached at (436) 712-1232, or on the web at www.armitagesquare-wc.org. You can also click here for directions.

Metro Council 3rd Ward Porter Weiss Memorial Novelist Laureate Search Task Force.

Well, I am proud to announce that despite the sadness of Porter Weiss' passing, this task force to name a new novelist laureate is convened! I have gathered the best writers in the area to help choose the new literary face for the neighborhood, and I think you'll be stunned at the sheer talent represented by the names below. They are the best of the best, and Armitage Heights' rich literary tradition, dating back to such beloved 19th Century icons as Kendall Park-native Octavius Leander Teslow, is carried on through them.

If you'd like to nominate a writer, contact the committee through the new website we've set up here. As they look through nominations and make a selection, I'll keep you updated. And of course, I'll be sitting in on the meeting, too!

Now, without further ado, your task force!


Marisha Ferguson, MFA in creative writing candidate, University of Mishipeshu.
You know my assistant Marisha.


Billy Draeger, literate rocker and essayist
Draeger's band, The October Revolutionists, have attracted lots of national attention for their witty, historically keen lyrics and album cover art. Recently, Draeger has begun writing columns for the Mishipeshu Free Press, dealing with the quirky history of the neighborhood and his own trials and tribulations as an up-and-coming rocker.


Jeffrey Moseley, Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist
Moseley's first novel, 1988's We Are Living Here In Hanley Now, was a heartbreaking look at the neighborhood through the eyes of a naive young man and an eccentric cast of colorful characters around him. It won him the Pulitzer Prize in Literature in 1989, and was recently made into an Academy Award-winning film starring Giovanni Ribisi. His other books have been great, too.


Jennifer Lee Jasperson, Richman Award-winning novelist
Jasperson's first novel, 2005's Ring the Bell for Break Time, was a smart, charming and quirky tale of love, sadness and Chinese finger traps. It was an immediate literary sensation and propelled this 26-year old Bryn Mawr graduate into the upper echelons of bibliophilic fame. Her follow-up is eagerly awaited, and due to be completed next year.


Ted Norlander, senior music and book critic for the Heights Free Press
Norlander's fifth book of pop culture essays Kill Them Again: The Awesome, Screaming Death of Discourse in the U.S.A. and Twelve or Thirteen Other New Half-Truths was recently published in paperback. His previous books, including You Are Awesome, But Who Will Take Your Trash Out? (Salvos From the Front Lines of the War On Screamo), They Said Simon Le Bon Was Right and I Have the Stopwatch to Prove It: Seven-and-Three-Fifths Months in the Life of the American Post-Indie Underground, and Sorry About the Disco Upstairs: New Critical Essays and Restaurant Placemat Puzzles For the Youth of America, have earned him the distinction of being one of the most unique and insightful young writers on the scene today.


Art Norman, novelist and professor of creative writing, St. Rumwald College
Mr. Norman is the legendary author of dozens of novels, beginning with his first one, We Died Because They Told Us To, in 1947, and also including such classics of 20th century literature as Last Dance, Hatchet, A Death by the Sea, The Funeral of William Henry Harrison, Parlor Music, Midnight Mass, and Hail Thee, Mighty Caesar.

Porter Weiss, 1949-2007.

Porter Weiss in 1999.

Yesterday morning, both the Mishipeshu Herald-Leader and the New York Times reported the death of award-winning novelist and Armitage Heights native Porter Weiss, at the age of 57. According to the reports I've read, Mr .Weiss died suddenly in his home on Gilpin Avenue of a heart attack. This is a shocking and tragic loss for Armitage Heights and for the literary world.

As many of you know, Mr. Weiss was one of the most beloved members of the community. He was born in Hanley, grew up here, and made his home here for most of his life. His novels were brilliant, funny and strange, and almost all took place in the neighborhood. His first novel, 1985's The Armitage Heights Decalogue, was a landmark in contemporary fiction, a chronicle of the adventures of an unemployed writer named Wiley Porter, his mysterious relationship with a Chinese restaurant owner, and his subterranean journeys through the neighborhood and into his own psyche. His follow-ups, including City of Shadows (1987), Rainbow Village (1989), Here Comes the Night (1991), The Glass Mountain (1993), The Dreamers of Hanley (1995), An Illusion of Space (1997), and countless others chronicled his various obsessions: absent father figures, unemployment, crises of identity, and the mysteries of the human heart. There is an excellent feature on Mr .Weiss in the Mishipeshu Herald-Leader today that explores his work in great detail.

Unknown to many of you, however, is the fact that Mr. Weiss was the novelist laureate for the neighborhood, an honorary title bestowed on him by Mayor Underdahl in 2005. With Mr .Weiss's passing, we will need a new laureate. I have already begun work on calling together a task force, headed by my assistant Marisha, who is an MFA candidate in creative writing at the University of Mishipeshu. This committee will be made up of some of the best writers in the area, and will be charged with seeking a new novelist laureate for our neighborhood.

Stay tuned for details! I'll start announcing who's on the task force soon!

In the meantime, a memorial mass for Porter Weiss will be held tomorrow at 11:30 a.m., at St. Amor of Aquitaine Catholic Church in Hanley, located at 3703 South Armitage Avenue.

Back in cyberspace!

Pardon me for my extended absence here in cyberspace, but it has been a crazy week here in the office!

My assistant Marisha has been sick with the flu for the last few days, and I believe she also broke up with her boyfriend Billy Draeger of the band the October Revolutionists. So hopefully she'll be getting through both of those rough spots in the next few days. On a related note, please stop sending emails asking for Marisha's contact information. The fact that she is now single does not mean she wants to hear from you or be your friend on "MySpace." You creeps out there know who I'm talking to.

Additionally, I was out of town for a few days to attend the annual meeting of the League of Metro City Councilpersons in Tempe, Arizona. It was a great time meeting with other city councilpersons from around the country and spreading the good word about Armitage Heights. It sure was warm in Tempe, and very pleasant, but their neighborhoods are nowhere near as vibrant as our own! For instance, Mitchell Park East, the neighborhood I was staying in, had a few nice restaurants and shops, but nothing like our own vibrant Armitage Avenue/Stanton Avenue commerical corridor! It may be colder here, but does Mitchell Park East in Tempe have:

• A historic gravy factory?
• Awesome non-emo rock bands?
• A Catholic parish with its own water park?
• The world's largest unbroken grouping of Queen Anne-style aircraft hangars?
• A Mexican amateur ice hockey league?

The fact is, they do not. But Armitage Heights does!