Winter Parade trial: acquittals for all.

Yesterday, Judge Martin F. Pickert of Pierce County Superior Court ruled to acquit the entire slate of defendants related to the December Winter Parade disturbances, a number that included outspoken handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, "...From My Cold Dead Hands" television program host and right-wing radio program panelist Hal Halloran (pictured with his attorney on the left), unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and award-winning, frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331. (Of course, radical urban guerilla and Viet Cong terrorist Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large for the time being, and the Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and men's varsity squash team members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne were acquitted in January).

I'd like to say that while I am very disappointed in the ruling, I believe it is in the best interest of the community to put this awful chapter behind us.

All the defendants held press conferences afterwards to state to reporters their future plans. In the interest of public dialogue, I will list them here, though I would like to state that I do not approve in any way of any of this:

• Johannsen will have a letter to the editor published in the Herald-Leader later this week and claims she plans to travel to Vietnam with a small group of friends to bring Dr. Harding to justice personally using, in her own words "any necessary force."



• Halloran plans to write a book on his experiences entitled Winter Hell, American Justice: My True-Life Adventures In Fighting The Left-Wing Anti-Christian Armitage Heights Soviet And Their Attempts To Silence My American Message Of Liberty, the Right to Bear Arms and the Gospel Of Jesus Christ. Expect to see that at gun shows and late-night informerical later this year
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• The unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski will be the guest preacher at the Kendall Park First Unitarian Church this Sunday.



• Jennifer #4720331 will debut her new performance piece based on her experiences later in March at the Armitage Heights Center for New Media. The piece will be entitled Silent Night Holy Night All Is Calm All Is Bright Round Yon Virgin Mother And Child Holy Infant So Tender and Mild Sleep in Heavenly Peace Sleep in Heavenly Peace. An image from the piece is pictured at right. Infuratingly, she has been invited to perform at the Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art show with the Kaos Krew, now showing in London, England.

So that awful event is all behind us now. I'm so glad to know that the best way to get your name known in town is to chase elected officials through the freezing streets of Armitage Square, brandishing a flaming fiberglass candy cane over your head and shouting incoherently.