An absolute outrage.

This week, my assistant Marisha had stumbled across a reference on Wikipedia to the underage band of skateboarding delinquents known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew having a show at a contemporary art gallery in London, England. Well, needless to say, I thought it was a joke -- not a funny one, particularly, but a joke nonetheless, since the Kaos Krew have managed to confound the authorities on a number of notable occasions, both in the physical world and in Cyberspace.

I had Marisha look into it, just to be sure. A quick international phone call to London, however, confirmed my worst suspicions: the so-called Kaos Krew are indeed part of a group show in London next month called Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art! Not only that, but they are featured in a lengthy profile in Artforum magazine this month! Marisha turned up this quote:

"...this anonymous young American collective have manged to transform the Ritalin and X-Box-inundated interests of their upbringings into something larger more successfully than perhaps any other artists of their generation. They have constructed with the crudest materials and crudest intentions an almost classical pantheon, a thrilling yet ordered worldview equally informed by an insatiable consumer desire and a shapeless, amorphic class rage. They have developed their own completely and uniquely synthesized mythos that runs through their work like a bike messenger weaves in and out of city traffic, referring back to itself and to an imagined outside world, a post-capitalist cosmology complete with Valhallian heroes (themselves) and villains (a small-time local politician with the deliciously square name of Sherman Larson)..."

This is absolutely outrageous!

The so-called Kaos Krew is responsible for a virtually unbroken string of petty vandalism crimes in every one of the eight metro wards, but especially here in the 3rd! They have cost the city thousands and thousands of your tax dollars defacing public property! And this is "art"?

Virtually their only "art" is enormous stenciled drawings on the sides of warehouses of General Alfredo Stroessner and myself throughout Armitage Heights, north Hanley and south Kendall Park. Very similar, in fact, to that dreadful, poorly-executed Photoshop "drawing" which they left on this website after hacking it this month.

Also, let's not forget their ridiculous re-arrangements of words on local business marquees to spell obscene and/or inappropriate phrases. Art? Only after we were able to procure the services of a freelance Scrabble champion were we able to cut down on this criminal mischief.

I fail to see how any of this is "art" worth writing about, particularly in such ridiculous, overheated language.

Listen: I am no "square," nor am I a Philistine. My aunt Helena is on the Board at the Armitage Heights Center for Contemporary Art, so I have an idea what "contemporary art" is all about. I voted, in fact, for the procurement of the funds that enabled us to build such a great facility. So I know art when I see it, and I know a sham when I see it. It's time to put an end to this sort of coddling nonsense that is ruining our neighborhood with ugly, juvenile "art." We are taking steps to apprehend the Kaos Krew before they can travel to London for their tasteless, illegal show. Furthermore, I have sent my my assistant Marisha to the art history and criticism department at the University of Mishipeshu to speak to the most respected professors there to get a second opinion on the Kaos Krew's "work."

So believe you me, this "deliciously square" councilman has got a double vise squeezing in on these delinquents: the long arm of the law on one side, and the similarly long arm of the Armitage Heights art criticism community on the other!