Armitage Heights Clarion: Election results!

Well, the hard work is all over, and I want to thank everyone that voted for me in yesterday's election. You'll note I didn't mention much about the election on my blog here, but I want very much to keep politics out of here, and focus on the things that transcend politics -- non-partisan issues like my recent Christmas Island Economic Sustainability Plan. The sorts of things we can all agree on as a neighborhood, regardless of party affiliation.

Nonetheless, here are the results of the 3rd Ward city council election, as certified by the Herald-Star and KWHA 5 television.

All of my opponents are honorable, intelligent men and women, and I am proud to have had such distinguished opponents in this race. When I say this, however, I do not include novelist and gadabout Kimball Burin, whose dull, endless tirades against me (under the auspices of a fictitious, inaccruately-named and generally insulting "Anti-Bedwetter's Democratic Union") are an embarrassment to his otherwise sterling legacy of hard-hitting drunken New Journalism. Nor do I include fugitive malcontent Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding, who remains a dangerous, crazed idealogue that we are still working very hard to extradite and should probably not be permitted to appear on a ballot legally -- the fact that he ran in absentia representing the Vietnamese Communist Party is pure spite, and also probably not legal.

Ron Paul is a good man, too, I suppose, if you're into his sort of thing (I have endorsed Bill Richardson myself!). Apparently, though, he only earned half a percentage point owing to the influence of overzealous Libertarian computer spambots that somehow worked their way onto the electronic grid. I will probably need to appoint a commission to look into that.

I invite all citizens of the 3rd Ward to join me in the hard work that remains to be done in the next five years -- excepting, of course, members of the Vietnamese Communist Party and the Anti-Bedwetter's Democratic Union.