I'd first like to wish to all of those that celebrate it a very Merry Christmas, and of course a happy Boxing Day to our friends over in the Poutine District in Kendall Park.
There is almost certainly no need to recount to you the events of the last several days, except to say once again that it's time for us all to put factional Christmas disruptions behind us, and work on healing the rifts in our community. The surest way to start to do this is by lending a hand to our law enforcement officers in locating several of the individuals that have been identified by authorities as major participants in the Winter Parade disruptions. If seen, the whereabouts of the following individuals should be reported by writing to me, Councilman Sherman Larson, or Police Commissioner Mel Stanley c/o Metro Government Center, 1 Pierce Plaza; or by emailing us at winterparadetips@armhts.ci.mish.us.
Let's work together to take back our community pride from these troublemakers.
DR. THOMAS JEFFERSON HARDING, renegade Grand Marshall, retired University of Mishipeshu economics professor, urban gardening activist, former Viet Cong sympathizer.
HAL HALLORAN, host of the overnight cable access public affairs and handgun news program ...From My Cold, Dead Hands.
THE AYATOLLAH MARTIN WISNIEWSKI, unlicensed non-Muslim cleric.
MIKE "DA CHUGSTER" CARSON, MIKE "BRO HAMMER" SCHULTZ, IAN "E-DAWG" REESE, and MIKE "BONER" OSBORNE of the University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and Men's Varsity Squash team (please note that Ryan "Da Notorious A.B.E." Abernathy has been cleared of charges).
JENNIFER #4720331, transgressive slam poet and performance artist.
ARMITAGE HEIGHTS KAOS KREW (individual identities unknown, but believed to number between three and fourteen).
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