26th Street re-routing: here come the Freemasons!

The new proposed street sign for the re-routed 26th Street.

Well, there is a definite sarcastic streak running through the 3rd Ward, I see. Generally, the letters I've received about my last post regarding the re-routing of 26th were very positive, but here's a sample of one of the more negative ones:

dear mr. larson,

wow, way to stand up against the freemasons, sir. how bold. next i'd like to see you take on the whigs, carpetbaggers, prussians and zeppelin pilots that continue to terrorize our neighborhood.

regards,
vick in hanley

Well, ha ha. Point taken.

I want to be clear, though, that my problem is not with Freemasons themselves. My grandfather was a Mason. My problem is with dangerous, outdated notions of how a city street should flow.

Call me unsentimental, but I do not think it's unreasonable to think that the primary purpose of a city street is to regulate the orderly flow of automobile, bicycle and foot traffic, not to create a mystical arrangement of lines that, when viewed from above, reflect the perfect symmetrical will of the Divine Architect.

Some of you don't see things that way. Namely, Grand Master Eldon Sommers, 33°, of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Chapter of Armitage Heights Lodge of Approved Freemasons No. 1, writing in this letter dated January 18:

I cannot think of a time since the 19th Century heyday of the Anti-Freemason Party when the traditions of Freemasonry were more under assault. We have contributed to the prosperity and well-being of this community for generations, and yet we find at every turn our historical figures have been slandered at your hands, and our architectural contributions to the unique heritage of this area maligned and denigrated as dangerous and even deadly. 26th Street in its current arrangement is beautiful and inspiring.

Surprisingly, many of you seem to feel this way. I can see that this debate has touched off a nerve.

Again, it's important that I let you know that the feelings of Freemasons of all rites, whether Scottish, Grand College, Shriner, Templar or Rosicrucian, are important to me as your councilman. I still do not feel that 26th Street is safe or practical in its present configuration.

However, in the spirit of compromise, I would like to make the following suggestion. I propose that the stretch of road that will connect Stanton Avenue and Gilpin Avenue past the Square be renamed Mysterious Order of the Veiled Prophet of the Enchanted Realm Street, in honor the great Masonic organization that once thrived in this neighborhood. That way, we can both honor the past, and enjoy the present.

Additionally, such a unique, "quirky" name will stand out in the neighborhood, and certainly endear itself to residents and visitors alike. I can imagine future generations referring fondly to it as, say, "Mysterious Street," "ol' 'Chanty Street," or maybe "Movper Street" (the acronym for Mysterious Order of the Veiled Prophet of the Enchanted Realm).

Perhaps we could even rezone the whole area as a historic heritage site, much like the Epseranto or Poutine Districts. The businesses along the new street could reflect the area's heritage, like "Entered Apprecentice Coffeeshop," or "Order of the Eastern Star Bagels." Imagine, a whole Freemasonry District!

So let's think about it, Freemason and non-Freemason alike.

Regardless of the name, construction should begin in early March, and will be completed by early 2009.

Changes on 26th Street at Armitage Square.

The original plans for the street layout around Armitage Square, circa 1840.

Well, I have some good news for all residents: the city council finally voted last week to re-route 26th Street around Armitage Square.

As you know, it's present configuration is unappealing and a bit of a death-trap. 26th starts crosses Stanton Avenue and runs alternately west and south past Legaré and Pierrepont, and then cuts through Armitage Square, merges with Toucey for two blocks, and then to Stanton south for a block through the park and back again onto the grid at Gilpin Avenue.

Instead, 26th will be routed right off Stanton, north of the square, and then travel directly to Gilpin, saving everyone a lot of trouble.

The reason it was routed in its original configuration had something to do with the fact that the planner of this part of the neighborhood, local architect and Freemason Charles Jeptha Grotting (the grandfather of another notable local Freemason), was mired in Masonic mumbo-jumbo and wanted the configuration around the square to reflect the perfect symmetry of the All-Radiating Eye. As readers of this blog well know, I have always taken a strong stand against the meddling of Freemasons in neighborhood affars, and to have this sort of shortsighted planning and superstituous nonsense contribute to an average of nineteen traffic accidents every year around the Square is completely ridiculous.

Please make no mistake: I am a big fan of the Nineteenth Century, and I will fight to see that this neighborhood maintains its historic charm when it is relevant and appropriate for it to do so. But whenever I get letters from people complaining about the city council's "philistine lack of interest in historic preservation," I simply remind them of this sort of situation. History is great, but it isn't all quilting, Blue Danubes and jaunty felt hats. There's a lot of creepy nonsense in there, too, and I think most of the residents and business owners in the area aren't going to be upset that -- pardon my strong language here -- the odd and unappealing whims of our forefathers' Masonic-centric urban planning aren't left hanging around to confuse tourists and contribute to car wrecks in this century.

Your letters and emails.

Freemason grand master, poet and alleged anti-Semitic cannibal Dr. Lucius S. Grotting, 1899.

Friday is a good day to drag out the old mailbag, and have a look at some of the letters you have sent me in the past month.

This blog is only less than a month old, but the response from the community has been overwhelming! It's good to know that so many of you are "web-saavy," and it speaks well of our community that so many of you are "plugged-in."

My assistant Marisha once again is telling me to stop putting so many words in quotation marks. In fact, many of your letters have touched on that very subject. Well, you may have a point, but may I say that there's nothing "lame" or "square" about putting words that may be unfamiliar to our community like "web-savvy" in quotation marks.

The bulk of mail I've gotten has been regarding the ongoing controversy regarding the Winter Parade disturbances. I am glad to say that most of it supports the capture and trial of the hooligans that instigated the tragedy. You have probably already heard that unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski was apprehended yesterday in Armitage Hill, and that only the mentally unbalanced clandestine Viet Cong operative and dangerous leftist agitator Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large. A trial date for all nine defendants is due to be set later this month.

I would like to say that although I am absolutely all for recognizing and celebrating the diversity in our community, I would politely ask those of you in the Hanley Esperanto District to please include an English translation of your letters when you send them. No one on the city's payroll is a fluent speaker of this unique, beautiful and made-up language, and my assistant Marisha has had a terrible time translating the letters into English using an old Esperanto-to-English dictionary she bought with her own money at one of the used bookstores on the Stanton Avenue strip. Most of them come out sounding like this:

Mi diras al la rego: "via rego mosto, pardonu min! Malsagulon ciu batas!"

Which Marisha claims translates to:

"I said to the king, 'Your majesty, forgive me! Everybody beats a fool.'"

I do not know why someone would send this message to me.

And while we're on the subject of kings, dead languages and strange rituals, here is a letter from Grand Master Eldon Sommers, 33°, of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Chapter of Armitage Heights Lodge of Approved Freemasons No. 1, regarding my comments on the Armitage Freemason's March and Dr. Lucius S. Grotting from December 19:

You are perpetuating a tired, untrue old rumor with your irresponsible comments on Dr. Lucius S. Grotting. He was truly an inspiring, well-loved figure in turn-of-the-century Armitage Heights, and his railroading by anti-Masonic forces in the community is a blot on the neighborhood's progressive past. There is no proof that those rabbis were eaten, and even if they were eaten, which they weren't, there is no proof that Dr. Grotting was the one that ate them. Dr. Grotting was not an eater of rabbis, or an eater of people in general, except for in some ceremonial instances of Freemason ritual which are largely misunderstood and primarily metaphorical in nature.

From that same December 19th post, here is an email from Chucky Charlemagne, former lead singer of the Druids, whose 1979 punk-rock pro-heroin anthem "Stanton Ave. Cop" I made reference to:

In addition to "Cop," may I say we also performed a number of other neighborhood-specific songs, like "Wihinapa Deathwish," "Burn, Hanley, Burn," and "Let's Arm Armitage." In addition, may I also say that in our 1978 prime, the Druids would have wiped self-absorbed fake rock-and-roll weineys like I'm Going To Watch You Die or whatever the [expletive deleted] they're called off the stage completely, despite the fact that we didn't have any crappy corporate music magazines knocking around. So yeah, nice mascara job, you wussy little [different expletive deleted].

While I appreciate the community pride that Mr. Charlemagne feels, I must still maintain that I am adamantly opposed to death wishes, burning Hanley and providing weapons to the community. My assistant Marisha, however, would like me to mention that Mr. Charlemagne is correct in his thoughts about I Promise To See You Die And I Will, and that her boyfriend Billy Draeger agrees.

Keep those letters coming! I always enjoy hearing from you, who make the quality of life here in Armitage Heights so good.

Contest! Can you write our neighborhood's "Official Song"?

There are so many creative people here in our neighborhood. It's a fact I am reminded of every time I am invited to an art opening or musical event. Once again, I was reminded of that fact this past week. Before the monthly Coffee With Your Councilman meeting at the Mysterious Brews, I sat in to enjoy the open mic night, where various musicians took to the stage to perform songs that they had written, or at least songs written by John Denver. Well, it got me to thinking that there's so much talent around, why doesn't someone write a song about Armitage Heights? Nothing quite spells out neighborhood pride like a song, and if we had an official song, it could be played whenever people gathered -- a new tradition for the neighborhood. Parades, council meetings, basketball games for our boys and girls over at Hanley High School.

I wondered first if there were some songs that had already been written about our community that we might find usable. I had my assistant Marisha do some research on the subject, and after a long day of combing the Armitage Heights and Armitage Hill branch libraries, the archives at the University of Mishipeshu Music History Department, and a few local record stores of her own choosing, she turned up a few tunes that referred to our neighborhood!

All of them are certainly of historic importance, and some are pleasant to bop along to, but the references to mystical freemasonry, union-busting, cuckoldry and heroin don't really fit the image of the vibrant, diverse and progressive 3rd Ward that we live in today.

Regardless, here are some of them that could concievably be used as our Official Neighhborhood Song:

"Armitage Freemason's Hall March," by John Philip Sousa (1891). A stirring anthem, written in commemoration of the construction of the old Freemason's Hall at 30th Street and Armitage Avenue in 1891. There is also a frankly strange poem associated with the piece called Marvellous Triumph of the Divine Architect that was composed by a local writer and Freemason named Dr. F. Lucius Grotting, which was read by him during the march's performance. Of course, the Freemason's Hall has not existed for a generation, and the site is currently occupied by a Dave & Busters. Furthermore, Grotting was arrested three months later for eating several rabbis in Hanley. This probably isn't the best choice, then.

"God Will Damn This Wicked Union," by Dave "Sawtooth" Wilson (1919). A great history song by this renowned folk pioneer and Armitage Heights native, who participated in the noted deadly Armitage Harbor Shipping Riots of 1917. This song, which namechecks a number of well-known locations here in the neighborhood (such as the old Ward Hall and the old Wihinapa Police Building), is a stirring denouncement of union corruption, management practices and police brutality. Unfortunately, that probably doesn't put our "best foot forward" as a community. So, probably not the best choice. Plus, old "Sawtooth" was a Socialist, which probably would not sit well with some of our Republican friends in Armitage Hill.

"Armitage Avenue Blues," by Big Caroline Miller (1934). Another charming old-time number by a native and musical pioneer, which is a virtual catalog of names and places along the Avenue circa 1934! Of course, it's also about killing a cuckolded husband on the floor of a certain well-known historic watering hole in Little Warsaw so Ms. Miller can be with her new lover. So, probably not the best choice. Although the horn solo in the middle is quite exciting.

"Stanton Ave. Cop," by the Druids (1979). At first I thought this speedy punk song was about police officers, and I suppose tangentially it is, but it actually appears to primarily be about heroin. Not the best choice.

So there you have our past -- I'm not sure any of those are really what we're looking for. Who will be the future of this neighborhood's musical identity? Please submit your proposals to me, Councilman Sherman Larson c/o the Metro Council, located at the Metro Government Center at 1 Pierce Plaza, or email me at sherman.larson@armhts.ci.whi.us. I'll listen to them with a panel of experts chosen by me, and the best one we'll play to open an official ceremony at a ward meeting later this year!

Good luck!

Best,
Sherman