Our one year anniversary!

One year ago today, I sat down at my computer in my office at City Hall downtown and typed out the very first entry of this blog, the Armitage Heights Clarion. As I said then, my goal was to post "information about things happening around the neighborhood, news for residents and business owners, updates from city council meetings, and maybe even a few tips about life around the city!"

And so I have! What a year! Who could have imagined then what a wild -- and productive -- year the neighborhood would have?

Looking back, it's hard to believe so much happened in the space of a year, both positive and non-positive. There were the Winter Parade disturbances last year, the troubling emergence of the Kaos Krew as a major force on the international art scene, the unfortunate dysenteric death of handgun activist Marla Manda Johanssen (and brouhaha over her proposed memorial), the demisesquecentennial of the Zeppelin District, my assault and subsequent hospitalization at the hands of a fellow councilperson, my abbreviated U2-themed vacation to Ireland, kidnapping and brief career in the illegal underground 1984 Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league , my assistant Marisha's housesitting woes with Mitt Romney's freeloading kids followed by his outrageous denunciation of Marisha, the meteoric rise of indie-rock superstars the October Revolutionists, my court-mandated re-election over Ms. Johnanssen's son Barry and a host of challengers, and of course, the tragic and still-shocking death of unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski. And too many other neighorhood events and news tidbits to count!

Needless to say, it's been a wonderful year writing this blog for everyone. I hope to be around to serve the people the 3rd Ward for many years to come, and I hope you will continue to find the Clarion a useful, reliable and fun source of inform about this great neighborhood. It's definitely "in ur computer, conveyin ur nayborhood pride," as those great internet cats might say.

Unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, 1971-2007.

Unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, a local activist, public speaker and massage therapist, passed away of natural causes last Friday at his home in Kendall Park. He was 36.

Wisniewski is perhaps best remembered for his role and later acquittal in the Winter Parade disturbances of 2006.

He had a private funeral on Wednesday, and will be interred at Stanislaus of Szczepanów Catholic Cemetary in Little Warsaw tomorrow.

Why I voted against the Johannsen Memorial.

The proposed Marla Manda Johanssen Memorial that would replace the statue of Senator Fletcher O. Casady in Armitage Square.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of emails I've received regarding my vote in the City Council on Monday against allowing the construction of the proposed Marla Manda Johannsen Memorial statue -- you can read the meeting minutes from the City Council website here, or a summary on the Herald-Journal's website here.

There is no doubt that Ms. Johannsen was a beloved figure by many in the neighborhood, particularly in Armitage Hill and Wihinapa. There is no doubt that her death last month was tragic. However, there is also no doubt that there are better ways to honor her memory than by tearing down a statue of one of this city's most beloved statesman, Senator Fletcher O. Casady, and putting in its place a gruesome, offensive eyesore of the sort that has been proposed.

I mean, goodness, it's a 15-foot handgun. In the middle of the city. We certainly have some nonsensical public art around the neighborhood (the 1890s-era Municipal Virginity Obelisk in Kendall Park springs to mind), but to put a giant metal weapon in the middle of the square where you may recall hearing some shots going off not less than six months ago -- and on a spot where Ms. Johannsen was actually arrested for firing handguns in the air -- is so distasteful it boggles the mind. I don't care if it's what Ms. Johannsen "would have wanted." Ms. Johanssen also, bear in mind, went on the public record as also wanting to have me deported to East Germany, re-name Hanley "Reaganonia," and abolish Labor Day because it was "a pinko faggot holiday." And yet, we did none of those things.

I am very sorry for what happened to Ms. Johannsen. I think the the churches, civic organizations and gun clubs in this neighborhood that she so loved could absolutely bind together to raise the funds for a private memorial. But to send me nasty emails declaiming me as a "fellow-travelling crypto-Trotskyite" because I don't think it's right to use public funds to remove a statue of a progressive and beloved local icon like Senator Casady (pictured to the left in 1910) and replace it with an oversized weapon is just ridiculous. I don't think a "blog" like this is any place for engaging in dirty partisan politics, and I hate to make such sweeping statements like these that will no doubt anger many of you, but to quote Senator Casady himself, "A man must will himself to righteousness, and right himself, indeed, to willfulness." Well said, indeed, Senator. This is a time for making a stand for what's right. And that is why you have elected me to this office -- to will myself to righteousness, and right myself to willfulness. That is precisely what I have done.

On a related note: the Johannsen debate didn't dominate the entire City Council meeting. We also voted on a number of other critical issues, including securing funding for the new overflow parking annex for the Office Depot Arena on Armitage Avenue; a motion recognizing local musician Billy Draeger of the "indie-rock" band the October Revolutionists for "contributing to the artistic well-being of the city" and nominating him for a Mayor Lester F. Grunwald Memorial Award for Excellence in June; a motion commissioning a study on the effectiveness of utilizing mineral water feeding stations for pigeons to attempt to cut down on the relative messiness of their solid waste; and a motion to adjourn early in recognition of the British holiday of St. George's Day, and the great contributions of British-Americans in the history of the city.

Marla Manda Johanssen, 1938-2007.

Ms. Johanssen pictured last year, with one of her estimated 17,000 handguns.

I received from very sad news from the United States consulate in Vietnam this morning: beloved Wihinapa handgun activist, editorialist, renegade Winter Parade grand marshall and vigilante manhunter Marla Manda Johanssen passed away late last night in a Hanoi hospital, only a few hours after arriving in Vietnam. The immediate cause of death was listed as dysentery.

As you may recall, Ms. Johanssen had traveled to Vietnam to apprehend the fugitive leftist urban guerilla Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding. She deplaned yesterday afternoon, made a few remarks to local media, and retired to her hotel room, complaining of exhaustion and what one of her accomplices termed "an extreme and pervasive Communistic atmopshere." She was found dead later that evening.

Armitage Hill Christian Church, located at 8402 Gresham Avenue in Armitage Hill, will be holding a memorial service tomorrow evening. Donations will be taken and contributed to a fund set up in Ms. Johanssen's name. You may contribute online at this website.

Ms. Johanssen was beloved by many in the community for her outspoken views and willingness to speak out on popular issues of the day. I have assembled some links to a few of Ms. Johanssen's best-loved and most notable letters to the Herald-Leader over the years. I would like to extend my sincerest condolences to her three surviving sons, Barry G. Johanssen of Wihinapa, Buckley Johanssen of Lubbock, Texas, and J. Birch Johanssen of Provo, Utah.

• "Is your editorial board run by East Germans?" (March 2, 1980)
• "James Watt: An American Hero" (Feburary 12, 1981)
• "Iran-Contra is distracting from the real issues" (November 19, 1986)
• "Who will stand up for the billionaires?" (July 7, 1993)
• "James Brady: Stalinist patsy?" (March 1, 1994)
• "When the roll is called up yonder, George W. Bush will be there." (October 28, 2002)
• "Your coverage of Ronald Reagan's funeral must have been written by East Germans" (June 11, 2004)

More Winter Parade fall-out.

Marla Manda Johanssen, as pictured in today's press release.

As your 3rd Ward councilman, I must use this opportunity to appeal to your collective sense of reason as a community.

We are all very upset over the events of the Winter Parade acquittal, and no one is more upset than I am that Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding has apparently absconded to Vietnam to hide from the forces of law and order. Still, there is no reason to believe that due process, extradition practices and solid diplomacy will not eventually work this situation out. Dr. Harding, dangerous radical though he may be, is a reasonable, respected man. Surely he will turn himself in, or at the very least be apprehended by legitimate law enforcement agencies.

There is no need for mob action. I say this only because I have received a "press release" from handgun activist and right-wing editorialist Marla Manda Johanssen, urging Armitage Heighters to join her immediately on a trip to Vietnam, leaving this weekend, to find Dr. Harding and, I quote: "bring his left-wing, urban-gardening, treasonous, candy-cane brandishing, atheistic Jane Fonda-loving old keister to justice -- by any means necessary."

Besides being unnecessarily inflammatory (I know for a fact, for instance, that Dr. Harding was a long-time member of Kendall Park First Unitarian Church, so therefore not "atheistic"), it's a dangerous idea. The idea of an elderly woman travelling to Southeast Asia in an obviously agitated state, possibly with a posse of some kind, and potentially carrying illegal weapons, is a very poor one by any standard.

Please, Ms. Johanssen, for the sake of the community: do not undertake this "mission." Let the justice system work it out safely and legally. Even at this early stage, community leaders such as the unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski have denounced Ms. Johanssen's poorly-conceived plan of action. Please let her know yourself by contacting her personally at her website: www.hardingmustpay.org/vietnam.html.

Winter Parade trial: acquittals for all.

Yesterday, Judge Martin F. Pickert of Pierce County Superior Court ruled to acquit the entire slate of defendants related to the December Winter Parade disturbances, a number that included outspoken handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, "...From My Cold Dead Hands" television program host and right-wing radio program panelist Hal Halloran (pictured with his attorney on the left), unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and award-winning, frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331. (Of course, radical urban guerilla and Viet Cong terrorist Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large for the time being, and the Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and men's varsity squash team members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne were acquitted in January).

I'd like to say that while I am very disappointed in the ruling, I believe it is in the best interest of the community to put this awful chapter behind us.

All the defendants held press conferences afterwards to state to reporters their future plans. In the interest of public dialogue, I will list them here, though I would like to state that I do not approve in any way of any of this:

• Johannsen will have a letter to the editor published in the Herald-Leader later this week and claims she plans to travel to Vietnam with a small group of friends to bring Dr. Harding to justice personally using, in her own words "any necessary force."



• Halloran plans to write a book on his experiences entitled Winter Hell, American Justice: My True-Life Adventures In Fighting The Left-Wing Anti-Christian Armitage Heights Soviet And Their Attempts To Silence My American Message Of Liberty, the Right to Bear Arms and the Gospel Of Jesus Christ. Expect to see that at gun shows and late-night informerical later this year
  .



• The unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski will be the guest preacher at the Kendall Park First Unitarian Church this Sunday.



• Jennifer #4720331 will debut her new performance piece based on her experiences later in March at the Armitage Heights Center for New Media. The piece will be entitled Silent Night Holy Night All Is Calm All Is Bright Round Yon Virgin Mother And Child Holy Infant So Tender and Mild Sleep in Heavenly Peace Sleep in Heavenly Peace. An image from the piece is pictured at right. Infuratingly, she has been invited to perform at the Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art show with the Kaos Krew, now showing in London, England.

So that awful event is all behind us now. I'm so glad to know that the best way to get your name known in town is to chase elected officials through the freezing streets of Armitage Square, brandishing a flaming fiberglass candy cane over your head and shouting incoherently.

Winter Parade trial update.

Osborne, Schultz, Carson and Reese in an undated photo, courtest of the University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity.

Yesterday, the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals cleared University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne of all charges related to the Winter Parade disturbances.

They have been free out on bond since December, and have returned to classes at the University. However, they have been suspended from the men's varsity squash team until further notice.

In a statement, the young men compared themselves to "another great man who faced down the system," the Jamaican singer Bob Marley.

The trials of handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, public access television program host Hal Halloran, unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331 are due to being later this month. Hopefully, their parents aren't top-notch trial lawyers, too.

Sources in the neighborhood are telling me that Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding has fled to Vietnam.

Your letters and emails.

Freemason grand master, poet and alleged anti-Semitic cannibal Dr. Lucius S. Grotting, 1899.

Friday is a good day to drag out the old mailbag, and have a look at some of the letters you have sent me in the past month.

This blog is only less than a month old, but the response from the community has been overwhelming! It's good to know that so many of you are "web-saavy," and it speaks well of our community that so many of you are "plugged-in."

My assistant Marisha once again is telling me to stop putting so many words in quotation marks. In fact, many of your letters have touched on that very subject. Well, you may have a point, but may I say that there's nothing "lame" or "square" about putting words that may be unfamiliar to our community like "web-savvy" in quotation marks.

The bulk of mail I've gotten has been regarding the ongoing controversy regarding the Winter Parade disturbances. I am glad to say that most of it supports the capture and trial of the hooligans that instigated the tragedy. You have probably already heard that unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski was apprehended yesterday in Armitage Hill, and that only the mentally unbalanced clandestine Viet Cong operative and dangerous leftist agitator Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large. A trial date for all nine defendants is due to be set later this month.

I would like to say that although I am absolutely all for recognizing and celebrating the diversity in our community, I would politely ask those of you in the Hanley Esperanto District to please include an English translation of your letters when you send them. No one on the city's payroll is a fluent speaker of this unique, beautiful and made-up language, and my assistant Marisha has had a terrible time translating the letters into English using an old Esperanto-to-English dictionary she bought with her own money at one of the used bookstores on the Stanton Avenue strip. Most of them come out sounding like this:

Mi diras al la rego: "via rego mosto, pardonu min! Malsagulon ciu batas!"

Which Marisha claims translates to:

"I said to the king, 'Your majesty, forgive me! Everybody beats a fool.'"

I do not know why someone would send this message to me.

And while we're on the subject of kings, dead languages and strange rituals, here is a letter from Grand Master Eldon Sommers, 33°, of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Chapter of Armitage Heights Lodge of Approved Freemasons No. 1, regarding my comments on the Armitage Freemason's March and Dr. Lucius S. Grotting from December 19:

You are perpetuating a tired, untrue old rumor with your irresponsible comments on Dr. Lucius S. Grotting. He was truly an inspiring, well-loved figure in turn-of-the-century Armitage Heights, and his railroading by anti-Masonic forces in the community is a blot on the neighborhood's progressive past. There is no proof that those rabbis were eaten, and even if they were eaten, which they weren't, there is no proof that Dr. Grotting was the one that ate them. Dr. Grotting was not an eater of rabbis, or an eater of people in general, except for in some ceremonial instances of Freemason ritual which are largely misunderstood and primarily metaphorical in nature.

From that same December 19th post, here is an email from Chucky Charlemagne, former lead singer of the Druids, whose 1979 punk-rock pro-heroin anthem "Stanton Ave. Cop" I made reference to:

In addition to "Cop," may I say we also performed a number of other neighborhood-specific songs, like "Wihinapa Deathwish," "Burn, Hanley, Burn," and "Let's Arm Armitage." In addition, may I also say that in our 1978 prime, the Druids would have wiped self-absorbed fake rock-and-roll weineys like I'm Going To Watch You Die or whatever the [expletive deleted] they're called off the stage completely, despite the fact that we didn't have any crappy corporate music magazines knocking around. So yeah, nice mascara job, you wussy little [different expletive deleted].

While I appreciate the community pride that Mr. Charlemagne feels, I must still maintain that I am adamantly opposed to death wishes, burning Hanley and providing weapons to the community. My assistant Marisha, however, would like me to mention that Mr. Charlemagne is correct in his thoughts about I Promise To See You Die And I Will, and that her boyfriend Billy Draeger agrees.

Keep those letters coming! I always enjoy hearing from you, who make the quality of life here in Armitage Heights so good.

Winter Parade aftermath: we're fighting for the reputation of our community.

I'd first like to wish to all of those that celebrate it a very Merry Christmas, and of course a happy Boxing Day to our friends over in the Poutine District in Kendall Park.

There is almost certainly no need to recount to you the events of the last several days, except to say once again that it's time for us all to put factional Christmas disruptions behind us, and work on healing the rifts in our community. The surest way to start to do this is by lending a hand to our law enforcement officers in locating several of the individuals that have been identified by authorities as major participants in the Winter Parade disruptions. If seen, the whereabouts of the following individuals should be reported by writing to me, Councilman Sherman Larson, or Police Commissioner Mel Stanley c/o Metro Government Center, 1 Pierce Plaza; or by emailing us at winterparadetips@armhts.ci.mish.us.

Let's work together to take back our community pride from these troublemakers.

DR. THOMAS JEFFERSON HARDING, renegade Grand Marshall, retired University of Mishipeshu economics professor, urban gardening activist, former Viet Cong sympathizer.

HAL HALLORAN, host of the overnight cable access public affairs and handgun news program ...From My Cold, Dead Hands.

THE AYATOLLAH MARTIN WISNIEWSKI, unlicensed non-Muslim cleric.

MIKE "DA CHUGSTER" CARSON, MIKE "BRO HAMMER" SCHULTZ, IAN "E-DAWG" REESE, and MIKE "BONER" OSBORNE of the University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and Men's Varsity Squash team (please note that Ryan "Da Notorious A.B.E." Abernathy has been cleared of charges).

JENNIFER #4720331, transgressive slam poet and performance artist.

ARMITAGE HEIGHTS KAOS KREW (individual identities unknown, but believed to number between three and fourteen).

Aftermath: Shame of the Winter Parade.

(above) Near the statue of Senator Casady in Armitage Square at Stanton Avenue, following the disturbances.

I have never been ashamed to live in this great neighborhood, but today, this Christmas Eve, I am very close.

The manner in which both renegade factional Winter Parades comported themselves on Friday at Armitage Square is shameful. I am sorry to report today that I have been appointed by Mayor Underdahl and Governor Bagglio to head up a Winter Parade Riot Investigation Commission to further explore the origins, chain of events and long-term ramifications of this embarrassing episode in our city's history. I am happy to say that at least no one was seriously injured in the events of the evening, but that is perhaps all I am happy about.

I do not place complete blame on any one party, although renegade Grand Marshall Marla Manda Johannsen's characterization of beloved former weatherman and Grand Marshall Hank Harvey as a "bloated old Bolshevik man-hag" are completely beyond the pale. Mr. Harvey is a role model to an entire generation of citizens, and to mock him in such a way -- over a loud speaker, while dressed as Mrs. Claus, even, and standing astride a red-white-and-blue streamed float and dangerously wielding a .357 Magnum -- is a utterly and profoundly inappropriate. Ms. Johannsen remains in police custody tonight, where I believe she belongs.

Renegade Grand Marshall Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large at this hour, but still remains wanted for charges related to assaulting a police officer, conspiracy, incitement of riot, 3rd degreee trespassing and public indecency. Any citizens that report seeing him are advised to dial 911, or the Metro Tip Line at (436) BE-A-HERO (232-4376). He was last seen fleeing the riot scene dressed in green tights, "elf" ears and carrying an oversized fiberglass candy cane which he used to strike a police officer. Dr. Harding is not the gentle, avuncular urban gardener and economics professor his partisans claim he is -- he is a desperate, dangerous individual who will not hesitate to strike if cornered. An anonymous source informs me that Dr. Harding trained with the Viet Cong in the 1960s, so he is not to be apprehended or engaged by unlicensed civilians. Should you see him, call 911 immediately.

Certainly, this was the worst year-end disturbance in our community since the infamous "Red Christmas" riots of 1946-47. Do we, as a community, once again wish to be known as a hotbed of holiday civil unrest? That is the question, I fear, we must consider this most silent of nights.

Shame of the Winter Parade.

With so many exciting holiday events going on around the 3rd Ward -- from the annual Esperanto Kristnasko Festo in the Esperanto district in west Hanley, to the Mishipeshu History Theater's captivating and meditative four-day re-enactment of Charles Dickens' writing of "A Christmas Carol" (complete with an actual English oak desk and plume!) -- it is a shame to have to focus on some of the more calamitous events surrounding the usual festivities this year. However, there has been a great deal of consternation this year about the Armitage Heights Winter Parade, and more specifically, over the identity of its Grand Marshall. In fact, several insurgent groups within the planning committee have broken off and decided to form renegade Winter Parades. This is clearly very contrary to the spirit of the season, but it is my duty as your councilman to report to you events as they happen, not as I feel they should happen.

The problems here are rooted in the fact that the Winter Parade as we currently know it is rooted in an early 20th century event that was known as the Winter Revolutionary March that was put on by the local Communist dockworkers' soviet. It is a testament to the resilience and spirit of this community that an annual winter demonstration put on by socialist radical laborers could transform over time into the family-friendly, multi-faith parade of floats and fun that we know it as today.

Regardless, it seems that a group of individuals in the planning committee wanted to remind the community of the parade's roots by appointing as Grand Marshall local physician, urban gardening activist and perennial Socialist political candidate (and, in the interest of full disclosure, perennial candidate for this very seat on the city council) Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding.

Of course, a small group within the committee had similarly been planning to remind the community of the season's religious and patriotic component, and offered forth equally well-known local abstinence education advocate, perennial Mishipeshu Herald-Journal editorialist (you may recognize her as "Outraged in Wihinapa") and handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen as a Grand Marshall.

Yet a third subgroup within the committee, dismayed by both choices, seems to have split from the other groups and planned to host a more traditional parade presided over by beloved retired KMSH-TV Channel 4 weatherman Hank Harvey.

So, after days of infighting, nasty editorials and heightened emotions, it seems as if there will be three Winter Parades this year with three very distinct themes.

The first will be known as the Winter Community People's March and Information Fair, presided over by Dr. Harding, which will begin at Kendall Park and travel down 27th Avenue through Armitage Heights, across 20th Street and terminate at the Free School in Hanley. It will feature a float made completely of granola, lively reggae versions of Christmas carolling favorites, and a large number of Bush-as-Grinch visual references.

The second, presided over by Ms. Johannsen, has been rechristened the Armitage Heights Christmas Faith and Freedom March, which will begin at the VFW Hall on Polk Street in Wihinapa and travel through Armitage Hill, and terminate at the Armitage Hill Christian Church on 84th Street. It will feature what the organizers are billing as "Living Nativity U.S.A.," which will feature the Christ child swaddled in an American flag with three wisemen that will present arms at regular intervals throughout the parade.

The third group will retain the Winter Parade name, and will feature Hank Harvey, Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and other fun, family-friendly, nonpolitical participants, and will follow the traditional route down Armitage Avenue, beginning by the lakefront and terminating at Hanley Park. Many of the regular floats seem to have been usurped by the other two camps, so Santa and Hank Harvey will be riding in the convertible neon green and black Cadillac made famous by the local TV spots for the liquor and check-cashing emporiums run by local personality Smilin' Larry Alardyce. Smilin' Larry has kindly provided his automobile free of charge, and reminds you to stop into one of the seven area Smilin' Larry's Cash & Sip Superstores today.

Much to my personal chagrin, all three parade planners have elected to begin at 1:00 PM, and refused to make accommodations for the rival parades' paths relative to each other, so unfortunately, all three will probably meet up around 1:30, as the paths all roughly travel within a block of each other at Stanton and Armitage about that time. Please do not show up at that time and place specifically to heckle or cause a commotion. That is not what the parade is supposed to be about. Please think of what Hank Harvey or Santa Claus would do, not divisive radical figures like Dr. Harding or American Baby Jesus. Please respect the beliefs of others this season, which has always been known to people of all ideological persuasions as "the most wonderful time of the year."

Best,
Sherman

The original Winter Parade, 1929.

Last year's Winter Parade.