Winter Parade aftermath: we're fighting for the reputation of our community.

I'd first like to wish to all of those that celebrate it a very Merry Christmas, and of course a happy Boxing Day to our friends over in the Poutine District in Kendall Park.

There is almost certainly no need to recount to you the events of the last several days, except to say once again that it's time for us all to put factional Christmas disruptions behind us, and work on healing the rifts in our community. The surest way to start to do this is by lending a hand to our law enforcement officers in locating several of the individuals that have been identified by authorities as major participants in the Winter Parade disruptions. If seen, the whereabouts of the following individuals should be reported by writing to me, Councilman Sherman Larson, or Police Commissioner Mel Stanley c/o Metro Government Center, 1 Pierce Plaza; or by emailing us at winterparadetips@armhts.ci.mish.us.

Let's work together to take back our community pride from these troublemakers.

DR. THOMAS JEFFERSON HARDING, renegade Grand Marshall, retired University of Mishipeshu economics professor, urban gardening activist, former Viet Cong sympathizer.

HAL HALLORAN, host of the overnight cable access public affairs and handgun news program ...From My Cold, Dead Hands.

THE AYATOLLAH MARTIN WISNIEWSKI, unlicensed non-Muslim cleric.

MIKE "DA CHUGSTER" CARSON, MIKE "BRO HAMMER" SCHULTZ, IAN "E-DAWG" REESE, and MIKE "BONER" OSBORNE of the University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity and Men's Varsity Squash team (please note that Ryan "Da Notorious A.B.E." Abernathy has been cleared of charges).

JENNIFER #4720331, transgressive slam poet and performance artist.

ARMITAGE HEIGHTS KAOS KREW (individual identities unknown, but believed to number between three and fourteen).

Aftermath: Shame of the Winter Parade.

(above) Near the statue of Senator Casady in Armitage Square at Stanton Avenue, following the disturbances.

I have never been ashamed to live in this great neighborhood, but today, this Christmas Eve, I am very close.

The manner in which both renegade factional Winter Parades comported themselves on Friday at Armitage Square is shameful. I am sorry to report today that I have been appointed by Mayor Underdahl and Governor Bagglio to head up a Winter Parade Riot Investigation Commission to further explore the origins, chain of events and long-term ramifications of this embarrassing episode in our city's history. I am happy to say that at least no one was seriously injured in the events of the evening, but that is perhaps all I am happy about.

I do not place complete blame on any one party, although renegade Grand Marshall Marla Manda Johannsen's characterization of beloved former weatherman and Grand Marshall Hank Harvey as a "bloated old Bolshevik man-hag" are completely beyond the pale. Mr. Harvey is a role model to an entire generation of citizens, and to mock him in such a way -- over a loud speaker, while dressed as Mrs. Claus, even, and standing astride a red-white-and-blue streamed float and dangerously wielding a .357 Magnum -- is a utterly and profoundly inappropriate. Ms. Johannsen remains in police custody tonight, where I believe she belongs.

Renegade Grand Marshall Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large at this hour, but still remains wanted for charges related to assaulting a police officer, conspiracy, incitement of riot, 3rd degreee trespassing and public indecency. Any citizens that report seeing him are advised to dial 911, or the Metro Tip Line at (436) BE-A-HERO (232-4376). He was last seen fleeing the riot scene dressed in green tights, "elf" ears and carrying an oversized fiberglass candy cane which he used to strike a police officer. Dr. Harding is not the gentle, avuncular urban gardener and economics professor his partisans claim he is -- he is a desperate, dangerous individual who will not hesitate to strike if cornered. An anonymous source informs me that Dr. Harding trained with the Viet Cong in the 1960s, so he is not to be apprehended or engaged by unlicensed civilians. Should you see him, call 911 immediately.

Certainly, this was the worst year-end disturbance in our community since the infamous "Red Christmas" riots of 1946-47. Do we, as a community, once again wish to be known as a hotbed of holiday civil unrest? That is the question, I fear, we must consider this most silent of nights.

Shame of the Winter Parade.

With so many exciting holiday events going on around the 3rd Ward -- from the annual Esperanto Kristnasko Festo in the Esperanto district in west Hanley, to the Mishipeshu History Theater's captivating and meditative four-day re-enactment of Charles Dickens' writing of "A Christmas Carol" (complete with an actual English oak desk and plume!) -- it is a shame to have to focus on some of the more calamitous events surrounding the usual festivities this year. However, there has been a great deal of consternation this year about the Armitage Heights Winter Parade, and more specifically, over the identity of its Grand Marshall. In fact, several insurgent groups within the planning committee have broken off and decided to form renegade Winter Parades. This is clearly very contrary to the spirit of the season, but it is my duty as your councilman to report to you events as they happen, not as I feel they should happen.

The problems here are rooted in the fact that the Winter Parade as we currently know it is rooted in an early 20th century event that was known as the Winter Revolutionary March that was put on by the local Communist dockworkers' soviet. It is a testament to the resilience and spirit of this community that an annual winter demonstration put on by socialist radical laborers could transform over time into the family-friendly, multi-faith parade of floats and fun that we know it as today.

Regardless, it seems that a group of individuals in the planning committee wanted to remind the community of the parade's roots by appointing as Grand Marshall local physician, urban gardening activist and perennial Socialist political candidate (and, in the interest of full disclosure, perennial candidate for this very seat on the city council) Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding.

Of course, a small group within the committee had similarly been planning to remind the community of the season's religious and patriotic component, and offered forth equally well-known local abstinence education advocate, perennial Mishipeshu Herald-Journal editorialist (you may recognize her as "Outraged in Wihinapa") and handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen as a Grand Marshall.

Yet a third subgroup within the committee, dismayed by both choices, seems to have split from the other groups and planned to host a more traditional parade presided over by beloved retired KMSH-TV Channel 4 weatherman Hank Harvey.

So, after days of infighting, nasty editorials and heightened emotions, it seems as if there will be three Winter Parades this year with three very distinct themes.

The first will be known as the Winter Community People's March and Information Fair, presided over by Dr. Harding, which will begin at Kendall Park and travel down 27th Avenue through Armitage Heights, across 20th Street and terminate at the Free School in Hanley. It will feature a float made completely of granola, lively reggae versions of Christmas carolling favorites, and a large number of Bush-as-Grinch visual references.

The second, presided over by Ms. Johannsen, has been rechristened the Armitage Heights Christmas Faith and Freedom March, which will begin at the VFW Hall on Polk Street in Wihinapa and travel through Armitage Hill, and terminate at the Armitage Hill Christian Church on 84th Street. It will feature what the organizers are billing as "Living Nativity U.S.A.," which will feature the Christ child swaddled in an American flag with three wisemen that will present arms at regular intervals throughout the parade.

The third group will retain the Winter Parade name, and will feature Hank Harvey, Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and other fun, family-friendly, nonpolitical participants, and will follow the traditional route down Armitage Avenue, beginning by the lakefront and terminating at Hanley Park. Many of the regular floats seem to have been usurped by the other two camps, so Santa and Hank Harvey will be riding in the convertible neon green and black Cadillac made famous by the local TV spots for the liquor and check-cashing emporiums run by local personality Smilin' Larry Alardyce. Smilin' Larry has kindly provided his automobile free of charge, and reminds you to stop into one of the seven area Smilin' Larry's Cash & Sip Superstores today.

Much to my personal chagrin, all three parade planners have elected to begin at 1:00 PM, and refused to make accommodations for the rival parades' paths relative to each other, so unfortunately, all three will probably meet up around 1:30, as the paths all roughly travel within a block of each other at Stanton and Armitage about that time. Please do not show up at that time and place specifically to heckle or cause a commotion. That is not what the parade is supposed to be about. Please think of what Hank Harvey or Santa Claus would do, not divisive radical figures like Dr. Harding or American Baby Jesus. Please respect the beliefs of others this season, which has always been known to people of all ideological persuasions as "the most wonderful time of the year."

Best,
Sherman

The original Winter Parade, 1929.

Last year's Winter Parade.

Contest! Can you write our neighborhood's "Official Song"?

There are so many creative people here in our neighborhood. It's a fact I am reminded of every time I am invited to an art opening or musical event. Once again, I was reminded of that fact this past week. Before the monthly Coffee With Your Councilman meeting at the Mysterious Brews, I sat in to enjoy the open mic night, where various musicians took to the stage to perform songs that they had written, or at least songs written by John Denver. Well, it got me to thinking that there's so much talent around, why doesn't someone write a song about Armitage Heights? Nothing quite spells out neighborhood pride like a song, and if we had an official song, it could be played whenever people gathered -- a new tradition for the neighborhood. Parades, council meetings, basketball games for our boys and girls over at Hanley High School.

I wondered first if there were some songs that had already been written about our community that we might find usable. I had my assistant Marisha do some research on the subject, and after a long day of combing the Armitage Heights and Armitage Hill branch libraries, the archives at the University of Mishipeshu Music History Department, and a few local record stores of her own choosing, she turned up a few tunes that referred to our neighborhood!

All of them are certainly of historic importance, and some are pleasant to bop along to, but the references to mystical freemasonry, union-busting, cuckoldry and heroin don't really fit the image of the vibrant, diverse and progressive 3rd Ward that we live in today.

Regardless, here are some of them that could concievably be used as our Official Neighhborhood Song:

"Armitage Freemason's Hall March," by John Philip Sousa (1891). A stirring anthem, written in commemoration of the construction of the old Freemason's Hall at 30th Street and Armitage Avenue in 1891. There is also a frankly strange poem associated with the piece called Marvellous Triumph of the Divine Architect that was composed by a local writer and Freemason named Dr. F. Lucius Grotting, which was read by him during the march's performance. Of course, the Freemason's Hall has not existed for a generation, and the site is currently occupied by a Dave & Busters. Furthermore, Grotting was arrested three months later for eating several rabbis in Hanley. This probably isn't the best choice, then.

"God Will Damn This Wicked Union," by Dave "Sawtooth" Wilson (1919). A great history song by this renowned folk pioneer and Armitage Heights native, who participated in the noted deadly Armitage Harbor Shipping Riots of 1917. This song, which namechecks a number of well-known locations here in the neighborhood (such as the old Ward Hall and the old Wihinapa Police Building), is a stirring denouncement of union corruption, management practices and police brutality. Unfortunately, that probably doesn't put our "best foot forward" as a community. So, probably not the best choice. Plus, old "Sawtooth" was a Socialist, which probably would not sit well with some of our Republican friends in Armitage Hill.

"Armitage Avenue Blues," by Big Caroline Miller (1934). Another charming old-time number by a native and musical pioneer, which is a virtual catalog of names and places along the Avenue circa 1934! Of course, it's also about killing a cuckolded husband on the floor of a certain well-known historic watering hole in Little Warsaw so Ms. Miller can be with her new lover. So, probably not the best choice. Although the horn solo in the middle is quite exciting.

"Stanton Ave. Cop," by the Druids (1979). At first I thought this speedy punk song was about police officers, and I suppose tangentially it is, but it actually appears to primarily be about heroin. Not the best choice.

So there you have our past -- I'm not sure any of those are really what we're looking for. Who will be the future of this neighborhood's musical identity? Please submit your proposals to me, Councilman Sherman Larson c/o the Metro Council, located at the Metro Government Center at 1 Pierce Plaza, or email me at sherman.larson@armhts.ci.whi.us. I'll listen to them with a panel of experts chosen by me, and the best one we'll play to open an official ceremony at a ward meeting later this year!

Good luck!

Best,
Sherman

The future of NBA overflow parking in our neighborhood.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of letters I have received recently regarding the proposed demolition of the Armitage Orpheum Theater at 2500 East Stanton Avenue next month. For those of you that aren't aware, the city acquired the site through eminent domain last year for the purpose of constructing an overflow parking annex for the new Office Depot Arena being built west of Kendall Park -- the new home of the NBA's fightin'est five-man squad, our beloved hometown Voyageurs!

However, many of you have voiced your concern about our plans. For example, here is an excerpt from a letter from the Armitage Heights Historic Preservation Council:

To destroy the Orpheum would be a cataclysmic act of cultural terrorism...The Orpheum was built in 1870 using nineteen tons of upstate granite and marble, and had wood door and window fixtures imported all the way from Italy. At the the time of its construction, it seated 4,000 people and was the largest theater built west of the Mishipeshu River. Its opening night gala, a performance by the "Swedish Songbird" Jenny Lind, was attended by U.S. Vice President Schuyler Colfax and noted author Mark Twain. When Oscar Wilde spoke there in 1889, he remarked that it was the "loveliest theater in the Republic."

Here is an early photograph of the Orpheum from its opening season:



OK. Point taken.

But let's just be reasonable here. Let's look at the facts.

The fact is, I value the historic properties in our neighborhood as much as anyone -- heck, my house in the Wihinapa neighborhood was built around 1870, too! But there are some things that letter doesn't mention. The Orpheum is in dismal shape, a complete state of disrepair, and hasn't been a legitimate theater since 1971. It was an adult theater throughout the '70s and '80s, and with the exception of a troupe of transgendered performance artists that used it as a venue for their frankly distasteful urine-themed spectacles in 1992 and '94, it has not been occupied since then. And with our Voyageurs being perennial contenders for the NBA Mid-Central Conference championship three years running, they need the right space to shine in! Their fans, then, need to the right space to park in, should the main parking ramp be full.

Fortunately, we have arrived at a decision that I think will satisfy fans of NBA basketball in the city, and will also honor the history of the site. The city has hired the architecture firm Rice, Daniels + Carmichael to create the new overflow parking annex. RD+C are award-winning architects that have designed some of the most critically-acclaimed parking structures in the country, from the 3rd Street Municipal Parking Ramp in downtown Seattle to the 3rd Street Municipal Parking Ramp (no relation) in Philadelphia. Their plan is to integrate some of the old features of the Orpheum into the new structure:




Furthermore, the old building's heritage will be honored with parking levels named for the various luminaries that brightened the stage over the years, from the Adele and Fred Astaire Blue Level Ramp all the way to the Zeppo Marx Green Level Ramp. The structure itself, in fact, will be designated the Historic Armitage Heights Orpehum Municipal Overflow Parking Annex, and a historic marker will be placed right on Stanton Avenue for all to read. The grandeur and history of this overflow parking annex may threaten to even overshadow the main parking ramp itself!

But in all seriousness, let me just say that when we work together as a community, these are the kinds of positive results we can get. That's why ours is one of the most progressive, livable cities in the country, and to paraphrase Mr. Wilde, why Armitage Heights is the loveliest neigborhood in the city!

Best,
Sherman

Foodie heaven!

Well, happy holidays to everyone! Since so many of you will be out and about for the season this month, there's a few new faces in the neighborhood I'd like to introduce to you over the course of the next few weeks leading up to Christmas!

For all you "foodies," I'd like to welcome chef Dan Franklin and his new casual restaurant the Upstairs Lounge to the area. The Upstairs Lounge is located at 2302-1/2 Stanton Alley SW, right on the edge of Armitage Heights. Veteran neighborhood diners will probably recognize that address as the former location of Derek's, the Red Room, the Armitage Grill, Lucy's, the 2302, Charlotte's, the Khyber Pass, Capone's Chicago Steakhouse, the Heights Cafe, the Dinner Bell, Vic's Frozen Custard, the Berliner, the Hillside Sub Shop, the East End Bistro, Dionysus, Mischa's Old World Bakery, the Downtowner, the Mason-Dixon Soul Food Shack, the Stanton Avenue Deli, and several other fine establishments over the last decade.

My assistant Marisha has just reminded me, of course, that the Over Easy was there, too. Do you remember that place? They made an amazing Eggs Benedict. I think that was after Lucy's, sometime in the late '90s.

Oh, and the Wonder Bar! That was a nice little place, too. Really cheap well drinks. I wonder what happened to them?

I think there was a dance studio there, too, for a few months.

At any rate, the Upstairs Lounge boasts an intimate, very "urban" feeling in their upstairs dining room, easily accessible from the rear of the old Jacobson Insurance Building near 22rd Street off of Stanton (not the new Jacobson building, the old brick one just north of it). Just follow 22nd, veer right into Stanton Alley Southwest (not into Stanton Alley Southeast, which is also right there), and the entrance is clearly marked at the second door to the left under the fire escape, up two flights on the exterior stairway. Ample parking is available at the meters three blocks over, off of Arthur Street, after 9 PM on weekends. Call for reservations and more detailed directions at (436) 339-7111, or find a map online at http://www.upstairslounge-armitage.com/. Tell Chef Dan that I sent you!

Our next monthly Coffee With Your Councilman will also be held tomorrow night at 7:00 PM at the Mysterious Brews Coffee Shop at 3900 West Carlyle Street in Armitage Heights, right in heart of the Garden District. I will be answering your questions on the city's exciting new plan to transform the old St. Aloysius Greek Orthodox Veterans Hospital & Sanitarium in Kendall Park into the new Gruyere Flats Luxury Condominiums and Artisanal Cheese Depository. Be sure to stop by and say hello!

Best,

Sherman

Do some shopping, then some learning!

Today's first piece of news comes directly to you from the heart of Armitage Heights, the Armitage Avenue-Stanton Avenue commercial district.

In light of some visits from the Pierce County Sheriff's Department this month, Herbert Wilson, owner of Uncle Herbie's Electric Doobieland Pipeworks at 4307 East Stanton Ave., would like to stress to his neighbors in the community that he is solely in the business of selling tobacco pipes and other tobacco-related products to the tobacco enthusiasts of the Armitage Heights and Hanley neighborhoods. Visitors to the shop are reminded that any customer making reference to any form of illegal activity will be asked to leave immediately. And speaking of fine tobacco products, Mr. Wilson also announces that he has just received a large new shipment of limited-edition Peter Max rolling papers that would make a great gift for the tobacco enthusiast on your list! Stop by his store or give him a call at (436) 972-DOOB. Web-saavy Armitage Heighters can visit him on the web at http://www.totallyhightobaccoproducts.com/.

The winter months are a great time to stay indoors and learn something new. In that spirit, the Thursday night winter lecture series will be starting up once again at the Hanley Community Center on December 14. The schedule for the season is as follows:

12/14 - "Sweeping for Khrishna," presented by His Holiness Ganapati Lloyd-Kimball.
12/21 - "Good Cop / Dad Cop," presented by Sgt. Ralph Bendorf of the Metro Police Department.
12/28 - no lecture; Merry Christmas!
1/4 - CANCELLED! "Lost Recipes of the Third Reich," presented by Linda Hofstedter, author of Hitler's Cookbook: Recipes From the Secret Files of the Fuhrer.
1/11 - "A Toxicological History of Armitage Avenue," presented by Dr. Alvin Larabee, Ph.D., Dean of Toxicology at St. Rumwald College.
1/18 - "That's No Lady, That's My Admiral: Conjugal Adventures in a Modern Co-Ed Navy," presented by Lt. (j.g.) Ken Suarez of the U.S. Navy.

All lectures begin at 7 PM. They are always free and open to the public. The Hanley Community Center is located at 3704 South Armitage Avenue, across the street from St. Amor of Aquitaine Catholic Church. Call them at (436) 283-1093, or visit them on the web at http://www.hanleycommunity.org/.

Happy holidays! Stay posted for upcoming holiday celebrations here in Armitage Heights!

Best,
Sherman

Let's fight back against these vandals.

Please be advised that the roving bands of teenage delinquents known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew remain at large. I have recently convened a task force to deal with the menace. In the meantime, I would advise any businesses that utilize a marquee sign with removable letters to be absolutely certain that the words you use do not contain letters that can be arranged to spell suggestive or offensive phrases. For example, do not use a phrase such as:

COME DOWN TODAY FOR GREAT DEALS!

which could be rearranged to spell, for instance:

TO DAD
EAT OLD COW SEMEN FOR GARY!

Instead, attempt to use as few vowels as possible. Also, use consonants that don't frequently appear in many common words, such as "K," "Q," "J' and "Z." There is a good reason why these letters are awarded such high values in Scrabble! It has been proposed that the city hire on a panel of freelance Scrabble champions, in fact, to help local business owners design sentences for their marquees that will result in the smallest likelihood of them being re-arranged into words that our community would find offensive. It is our hope that this so-called Kaos Krew will eventually be demoralized by the resourcefulness of our Armitage Heights business owners in their superior command of the English language! If we are to win the war against vandalism in our community, we have to think smart on a local level.

Anyone with any information about these vandals should contact me, Councilman Sherman Larson c/o the Metro Council, located at the Metro Government Center at 1 Pierce Plaza, or call my office at (436) 299-9999, extension 15. This is a fight we can win by thinking smart, and staying one step ahead of these delinquents!

Best, Sherman

Greetings from your councilman!

Greetings to everyone here in the 3rd Ward! This is the first post on my 3rd Ward weblog (also known as a blog)! I'd like to give a "shout out" to my assistant Marisha for her help in putting this thing together!

To those of you new to the world of blogging -- and I know I am certainly one of them -- a "blog" is simply an online journal that will make it easier for you to read about some of the news and events here in the Armitage Heights neighborhood, and also the surrounding neighborhoods of Armitage Hill, Hanley, Kendall Park, Little Warsaw and Wihinapa that comprise the 3rd Ward. I will be posting information about things happening around the neighborhood, news for residents and business owners, updates from city council meetings, and maybe even a few tips about life around the city!

Armitage Heights is definitely the "crown jewel" of the city, and it is with a great deal of community pride that I begin this blog! Please email me at sherman.larson@armhts.ci.whi.us with any suggestions you might have for making this site more useful!

-Sherman