Armitage Heights Clarion: Shame of the Winter Parade.

With so many exciting holiday events going on around the 3rd Ward -- from the annual Esperanto Kristnasko Festo in the Esperanto district in west Hanley, to the Mishipeshu History Theater's captivating and meditative four-day re-enactment of Charles Dickens' writing of "A Christmas Carol" (complete with an actual English oak desk and plume!) -- it is a shame to have to focus on some of the more calamitous events surrounding the usual festivities this year. However, there has been a great deal of consternation this year about the Armitage Heights Winter Parade, and more specifically, over the identity of its Grand Marshall. In fact, several insurgent groups within the planning committee have broken off and decided to form renegade Winter Parades. This is clearly very contrary to the spirit of the season, but it is my duty as your councilman to report to you events as they happen, not as I feel they should happen.

The problems here are rooted in the fact that the Winter Parade as we currently know it is rooted in an early 20th century event that was known as the Winter Revolutionary March that was put on by the local Communist dockworkers' soviet. It is a testament to the resilience and spirit of this community that an annual winter demonstration put on by socialist radical laborers could transform over time into the family-friendly, multi-faith parade of floats and fun that we know it as today.

Regardless, it seems that a group of individuals in the planning committee wanted to remind the community of the parade's roots by appointing as Grand Marshall local physician, urban gardening activist and perennial Socialist political candidate (and, in the interest of full disclosure, perennial candidate for this very seat on the city council) Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding.

Of course, a small group within the committee had similarly been planning to remind the community of the season's religious and patriotic component, and offered forth equally well-known local abstinence education advocate, perennial Mishipeshu Herald-Journal editorialist (you may recognize her as "Outraged in Wihinapa") and handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen as a Grand Marshall.

Yet a third subgroup within the committee, dismayed by both choices, seems to have split from the other groups and planned to host a more traditional parade presided over by beloved retired KMSH-TV Channel 4 weatherman Hank Harvey.

So, after days of infighting, nasty editorials and heightened emotions, it seems as if there will be three Winter Parades this year with three very distinct themes.

The first will be known as the Winter Community People's March and Information Fair, presided over by Dr. Harding, which will begin at Kendall Park and travel down 27th Avenue through Armitage Heights, across 20th Street and terminate at the Free School in Hanley. It will feature a float made completely of granola, lively reggae versions of Christmas carolling favorites, and a large number of Bush-as-Grinch visual references.

The second, presided over by Ms. Johannsen, has been rechristened the Armitage Heights Christmas Faith and Freedom March, which will begin at the VFW Hall on Polk Street in Wihinapa and travel through Armitage Hill, and terminate at the Armitage Hill Christian Church on 84th Street. It will feature what the organizers are billing as "Living Nativity U.S.A.," which will feature the Christ child swaddled in an American flag with three wisemen that will present arms at regular intervals throughout the parade.

The third group will retain the Winter Parade name, and will feature Hank Harvey, Santa Claus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and other fun, family-friendly, nonpolitical participants, and will follow the traditional route down Armitage Avenue, beginning by the lakefront and terminating at Hanley Park. Many of the regular floats seem to have been usurped by the other two camps, so Santa and Hank Harvey will be riding in the convertible neon green and black Cadillac made famous by the local TV spots for the liquor and check-cashing emporiums run by local personality Smilin' Larry Alardyce. Smilin' Larry has kindly provided his automobile free of charge, and reminds you to stop into one of the seven area Smilin' Larry's Cash & Sip Superstores today.

Much to my personal chagrin, all three parade planners have elected to begin at 1:00 PM, and refused to make accommodations for the rival parades' paths relative to each other, so unfortunately, all three will probably meet up around 1:30, as the paths all roughly travel within a block of each other at Stanton and Armitage about that time. Please do not show up at that time and place specifically to heckle or cause a commotion. That is not what the parade is supposed to be about. Please think of what Hank Harvey or Santa Claus would do, not divisive radical figures like Dr. Harding or American Baby Jesus. Please respect the beliefs of others this season, which has always been known to people of all ideological persuasions as "the most wonderful time of the year."

Best,
Sherman