Our one year anniversary!

One year ago today, I sat down at my computer in my office at City Hall downtown and typed out the very first entry of this blog, the Armitage Heights Clarion. As I said then, my goal was to post "information about things happening around the neighborhood, news for residents and business owners, updates from city council meetings, and maybe even a few tips about life around the city!"

And so I have! What a year! Who could have imagined then what a wild -- and productive -- year the neighborhood would have?

Looking back, it's hard to believe so much happened in the space of a year, both positive and non-positive. There were the Winter Parade disturbances last year, the troubling emergence of the Kaos Krew as a major force on the international art scene, the unfortunate dysenteric death of handgun activist Marla Manda Johanssen (and brouhaha over her proposed memorial), the demisesquecentennial of the Zeppelin District, my assault and subsequent hospitalization at the hands of a fellow councilperson, my abbreviated U2-themed vacation to Ireland, kidnapping and brief career in the illegal underground 1984 Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league , my assistant Marisha's housesitting woes with Mitt Romney's freeloading kids followed by his outrageous denunciation of Marisha, the meteoric rise of indie-rock superstars the October Revolutionists, my court-mandated re-election over Ms. Johnanssen's son Barry and a host of challengers, and of course, the tragic and still-shocking death of unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski. And too many other neighorhood events and news tidbits to count!

Needless to say, it's been a wonderful year writing this blog for everyone. I hope to be around to serve the people the 3rd Ward for many years to come, and I hope you will continue to find the Clarion a useful, reliable and fun source of inform about this great neighborhood. It's definitely "in ur computer, conveyin ur nayborhood pride," as those great internet cats might say.

Ireland searches for Sherman.

The Dublin apartment and childhood home of U2 bassist Larry Mullen Jr., where Sherman Larson was last seen.

From the BBC's website:

A search has been launched for US politician Sherman Larson, who went missing in Dublin following a tour on Thursday.

Mr Larson was reportedly last seen with his tour group at the childhood home of U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr.

Both the police and Mr Larson's tour company say they still have no leads about the missing politician.

Mr Larson, a city council member from the American city of Mishipeshu, was visiting Ireland on a three-week tour themed around the Irish rock band U2.

His assistant, Marisha Ferguson, filed a missing persons' report with the American embassy in Dublin on Sunday, saying no-one had heard from Mr Larson since Thursday evening.

Mr Larson represents the Armitage Heights neighborhood of Mishipeshu, perhaps best known for its zeppelinarium and large Esperanto-speaking community.

Ms Ferguson herself has come under scrutiny in the US media recently for expelling former Massachusetts governor and US presidential candidate Mitt Romney's children from Mr Larson's home. Mr Romney issued a statement today wishing for "a speedy return for Councilman Larson," but also hinted that Ms Ferguson has fabricated the story to "distract from her awful behavior regarding my boys."

In a press conference today, Commissioner Noel Conroy of Garda Síochána, the Irish national police force, expressed confidence that Mr Larson was "alive and well and would be located very soon."

Mr Mullen expressed his hope on behalf of U2 that Mr Larson would "turn up soon," and stressed the tour group was "in no way affiliated with or endorsed by U2 or its members."

Ms Ferguson had no comments for the media.

"Liberals like Marisha Ferguson are what's wrong with America."

An excerpt from Mitt Romney's speech before the Southern Nevada Young Republicans Association in Henderson, Nevada yesterday afternoon. - Marisha

"What's the Democrats' vision for America? I'll tell you, because my five sons got to meet her last week in person -- maybe you heard."

[laughter]

"Oh, there she is!"

[image of Marisha Ferguson appears on screen behind Governor Romney.]

[boos]

"The Democrats' vision for America is a know-it-all leftist graduate student on a government paycheck, with no real skills, making arbitrary decisions about who and who isn't welcome in their community. Well, I've got news for you, Marisha Ferguson -- your actions speak volumes about you and the party you represent. You know, these people say the problem is with America. People like Marisha, they see America as some awful, embarrassing problem to be solved. Well that's not the America I know. I'll tell you what the real problem is -- not America, but liberals like Marisha Ferguson. Elitist, imperious liberals like Marisha Ferguson are what's wrong with America."

[raucous applause]

The Romney wars continue.

Marisha here. Well, what to say. Things are taking a sort of rough turn here at Sherman's place.

I actually had to physically kick the Romney brothers out of Sherman's house where they were staying. I haven't heard from Sherman in Ireland since last Thursday, and can't seem to get ahold of him. The Romneys were out of control, and someone had to do something. Cleaning the bathrooms and blaring the Killers 24/7 was bad, but it got worse when they started rifling through Sherman's personal belongings. I came in to check up on them Sunday night, and they had removed all of the coffee, tea and alcohol out of the kitchen and were pouring it down a storm drain the backyard, and even worse, removing all the of the books from the living room they found offensive.

"Look at this," yelled Biff (or Jake, or Jeff, or whichever one it was) at me, waving a copy of Kimball Burin's account of his 1973 Senate campaign Slaughter of the Innocents in my face. "This filth! You people actually elected this guy to public office? He's a socialist! This is the kind of trash my dad is going to clean up when he's elected President!"

They were removing handfuls of books and DVDs and taking them out to the curb. They had actually stripped the top layer of porcelain off of the bathtub because they were scrubbing it so vigorously. One of them -- I think Skip Romney -- had actually gone to the Home Depot in Seabridge and had purchased a posthole digger, a bunch of lumber and whitewash, intending to build a white picket fence in Sherman's yard.

And the Killers. Looping. Looping. Looping...

I told them it was time for them to get the hell out, that Sherman hadn't invited them anyway, and they could go stay with Reeves Sinderman in his suburban McMansion.

Biff (or Alex, or Eric, or whoever) accused me of being an unclean foul-mouthed Jezebel.

But those Romney boys are a polite bunch, if nothing else, and shuffled out the door back into their SUVs and drove off. I left a message with Megan Van Deest, Reeves Sinderman's assistant, that I had sent the Romneys off, and they were her problem now. She called me a lesbian. It turns out the Romneys called their dad, and Mitt flew them back to Massachusetts that night.

I wish that I could have gotten Sherman's OK on this, since it's his house, but I haven't heard from him. He seems to be off the grid. I have no idea where he could be in Ireland that would put him out of touch for so long, but I hope to hear from him soon.

All the news vans that were covering unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski's funeral in Little Warsaw have now sped across the neighborhood, and are camped outside, covering what the right-wing blogs have taken to calling "the Mitt-Sherman blood feud." I've heard that Mitt Romney is preparing a statement about how his poor boys were treated here in Armitage Heights.

"Poor boys." Really. I don't care how handsome and cleancut those "boys" are: you don't invite yourself into someone's house without their permission, set up an operations headquarters, use their phones to raise money to combat gay marriage and socialized medicine on behalf of your rich handsome dad, clean people's bathrooms, toss out their caffeinated drinks, blare crappy Mormon rock groups on their stereos, construct white picket fences in their backyard for photo-ops, and throw their 1970s-era New Journalism anthologies out onto the streets because you don't like them. If thinking that makes me a lesbian, than I guess that's what I am.

I am going to sleep now.

Marisha here: I am taking a stand against Romney brothers, unsolicited bathroom decorations and the Killers.

Hello everyone, Marisha here. It is Friday night and I am going completely crazy. The Romney brothers are staying (uninvited) in Sherman's house, and he has requested I check up on them. I am -- I ride over on my scooter twice a day, and always expect the worst. It is hellish.

But it's hellish in a much different way than I am used to. I remember when I was in college I used to live in a loft in the Cassock District with a roommate that dated L'il Warsaw from the Kaos Krew for awhile, and those guys would come over and trash the place and listen 3rd Bass and House of Pain and all those other rap groups that used to have siren sound effects in all of their songs.

It's not hellish in that way.

I think it may be worse. It's more insidious. The Romney brothers -- Biff (right), Jake and I forget the names of the other three, Skip or Jason or Toby or something -- keep blaring the Killers, on a loop, all day and night, and they keep reminding me, over and over, that the Killers are LDS, just like them.

There are hardcover copies of A Mormon in the White House?: 10 Things Every American Should Know about Mitt Romney by Hugh Hewitt on every flat surface.

They spend all day making phone calls to wealthy Republican donors in the 8th and 14th wards, and cleaning Sherman's bathroom. I mean, cleaning it all of the time. Without his permission. Look, here is a picture of Sherman's bathroom:



Did I mention the Killers? I am serious. All day and night. It's even the same song. "Read My Mind."



They want to write "guest blog entries" about their dad and market-based solutions to the health care crisis and the Boston Red Sox and A Mormon in the White House?: 10 Things Every American Should Know about Mitt Romney by Hugh Hewitt. I told them no way. They have their own blog. This blog is for the 3rd ward. Councilman Sinderman has threatened legal action against me and keeps spreading rumors that I am a bisexual vegan socialist (only a third true), but I don't care. Megan Van Deest keeps hanging around flirting with the Romneys even though they've all been married to nice Utah girls since they were 20, and keeps trying to needle me about her going to Vassar and how I stayed in Mishipeshu to go to the University here instead, and is just generally acting unbearable in the sort of way that only a Vassar girl can act unbearable (and overlay that with the fact that she is psychotic about the "free market" in a way I didn't know people were anymore). I haven't even seen Reeves Sinderman for a week.

So I changed the Blogger password, and I am locking the five Romneys and Megan Van Deest and Reeves Sinderman out until Sherman is back from Ireland.

And that is that.

So...I have houseguests!

Sherman here, everyone! I've just been at an internet pub in Dublin enjoying a Guinness and reflecting back on an exciting afternoon of visiting Bono's primary school and hearing his second form English teacher speak, when I decided to check in with the old "blog" to see how things are going back in Armitage Heights.

And imagine my surprise to learn that I have five houseguests in my absence! What a surprise! As you can see, I was so surprised I spilled my Guinness all over the table and on my "Rattle and Hum" t-shirt (my new friend, tour buddy and fellow U2 fan Jon from Pittsburgh snapped this photo above).

Romney brothers! All five! In my house!

Wow!

This is very unexpected! And exciting!

I know they're all good boys, so I'm sure they'll take care of things just fine. Still, I am sure my assistant Marisha will be checking in on them just to be sure everything is OK.

Maybe Marisha will even be checking in with them twice a day to be certain everything is going OK!

Anyway, I've sent the boys a welcome email, and I hope that Councilman Sinderman passed on the instructions for feeding my favorite pal Hubert.

I certainly can't wait to get back to the neighborhood and have a talk with Reeves about this fascinating development!

Special election update, with guest blogger Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward)

Greetings, faithful Clarion readers. As you may have read, I will be taking over this blog for Councilman Larson this month while he is on his privately-funded vacation to the English Isles.

Councilman Larson has also asked to me stay in his house in Wihinapa in his home ward while he is away. He had mentioned that I am free to do as I wish with it in his absence, so I have decided to take this opportunity to use the house for a critically important civic function that I am certain Councilman Larson would approve of.

As you know, the legislature has voted to move the state's 2008 primaries up to February, along with South Carolina, New Hampshire and Iowa. As a result, this has become a very important and hotly-contested battleground state in the upcoming presidential elections. Of course, Pierce County and the metro area represents a significant portion of the state's electorate, and with a booming Republican population explosion in our suburbs and exurbs. This includes my own district, the 8th Ward, where I was the first Republican elected in over 30 years. It's an exciting time to be a Republican in the metro right now, and many of the Republican presidential candidates have been visiting recently to learn about the great projects we've got going here, and to get the word out about their campaigns.

Of all of the candidates running, I myself have been deeply impressed with Mitt Romney. He has the vision, candor and strength of determination to lead our country in these dangerous times. So when I found that he was hoping to set up a campaign basecamp here, I jumped at the opportunity to help out. I threw a fundraiser last week at my own home in Croxton, and was glad to meet both Romney and his amazingly gorgeous wife Ann, but also his five articulate and bright grown children: Biff Romney, Scott Romney, Brian Romney, Eric Romney and Mark Romney. We had a grand time together, and was impressed with these young men's dedication to serving their country by campaigning with their dad (here's a picture of Mitt, Ann, Biff, Scott and one of the other ones at my house).

So I decided to offer my services. Councilman Larson will be gone from his house for a whole month, and it's a nice house, so I've decided to offer up Sherman's residence as a sort of Romney brothers "base camp" for these fine young men to use for the next few weeks while they work to get the word out about their dad's campaign in Armitage Heights. And this is nothing if not a neighborhood that needs to hear the good news that these cleancut, patriotic young men are putting out there.

I'll be inviting Biff, Scott, Brian, Eric and Mark to post occassionally here -- nothing too partisan, just some thoughts about this great neighborhood while they're working here. I think they will have great fun staying in Sherman's house and taking care of it in his absence, and about their adventures working to make the 3rd Ward a better place.

So welcome to Armitage Heights, Romney brothers!