Our one year anniversary!

One year ago today, I sat down at my computer in my office at City Hall downtown and typed out the very first entry of this blog, the Armitage Heights Clarion. As I said then, my goal was to post "information about things happening around the neighborhood, news for residents and business owners, updates from city council meetings, and maybe even a few tips about life around the city!"

And so I have! What a year! Who could have imagined then what a wild -- and productive -- year the neighborhood would have?

Looking back, it's hard to believe so much happened in the space of a year, both positive and non-positive. There were the Winter Parade disturbances last year, the troubling emergence of the Kaos Krew as a major force on the international art scene, the unfortunate dysenteric death of handgun activist Marla Manda Johanssen (and brouhaha over her proposed memorial), the demisesquecentennial of the Zeppelin District, my assault and subsequent hospitalization at the hands of a fellow councilperson, my abbreviated U2-themed vacation to Ireland, kidnapping and brief career in the illegal underground 1984 Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league , my assistant Marisha's housesitting woes with Mitt Romney's freeloading kids followed by his outrageous denunciation of Marisha, the meteoric rise of indie-rock superstars the October Revolutionists, my court-mandated re-election over Ms. Johnanssen's son Barry and a host of challengers, and of course, the tragic and still-shocking death of unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski. And too many other neighorhood events and news tidbits to count!

Needless to say, it's been a wonderful year writing this blog for everyone. I hope to be around to serve the people the 3rd Ward for many years to come, and I hope you will continue to find the Clarion a useful, reliable and fun source of inform about this great neighborhood. It's definitely "in ur computer, conveyin ur nayborhood pride," as those great internet cats might say.

CNN's "1,000 Best Neighborhoods of All Time": we've got three!

A typical rickets-free Kendall Park residence in 1902 -- the kind that dazzled CNN!

CNN has recently published its list of the 1,000 Best Neighborhoods Of All Time. And who should be appear on the list three times? Our very own Armitage Heights!

Armitage Heights (2007), Armitage Heights (1970) and Kendall Park (1902) were all picked by a panel of experts from a list of hundreds of thousands of neighborhoods throughout the entirety of world history, based on livability, safety, cost of living, infrastructure and cultural amenities -- and we didn't do too badly at all! Present-day Armitage Heights ranked at a respectable #688, right in front of Mount Auburn/Brattle Street in Cambridge, Massachusetts (1770), and right behind the E-Ninnu Temple District in Lagash, Sumer (2050 BCE). Between the Tories of Cambridge and the high priests of Sumeria, this is pretty outstanding company! The panel cited our "great public transit, historic architecture, and thrilling cultural scene" as distinguishing traits. We have the added distinction of being the only neighborhood in the state to make the list.

Kendall Park (1902) fared even better, placing all the way up at #159! The committee was wowed by the neighborhood's "legendary central square" (young people might be scratching their heads as to where exactly this is located -- it's now the site of the equally legendary Ellison Cooper Volberg Public Housing Towers) and "beautiful Italianate buildings." The panel also noted that "the unusually low instances of influenza, rickets and lockjaw in the area's natives made this the late autumn getaway destination for well-to-do vacationers from all over early-20th Century America." It's worth pointing out the Kendall Park still retains very low instances of rickets, and a great many of the beautiful brick row houses are still standing!

The 1970 Armitage Heights held up the end of the list at #933, and the article noted that "despite the radical criminality, high unemployment and decaying infrastructure of the time, there were many outstanding hippie sculpture parks and an attractive air of danger-tinged mod-ish free-spiritedness to the place, best captured in Kimball Burin's well-known 1972 non-fiction book Moloch of Stanton Ave."

The best neighborhood of all time, of course, was voted XIe arrondissement of Paris (1911), with the Upper East Side of New York City (1961) running a close second.

Next year, let's see if we can displace the Sumerians next year and inch up closer to the top!

Let's have a pleasant, orderly court-ordered re-vote.

Supporters of Republican candidate Barry G. Johannsen and Green candidate Andrea Gilanshah tussle in an anti-Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding protest in Armitage Square on Sunday.

Well, as I am sure you've heard, last week's election had a few mishaps -- the presence of robotic Libertarian pro-Ron Paul spambots in the voting machine electronic grid, the illegal candidacy of fugitive Viet Cong ex-patriate Dr. Thomas Jefferson, and the farcical, one-note candidacy of local writer, activist and jerk Kimball F. Burin.

The entire slate of candidates, in fact, filed for a court injunction to have last Wednesday's election results nullified -- a move that the 10th Circuit court upheld in a ruling early this morning.

Reublican Party candidate Barry G. Johannsen objected on the grounds that the illegal presence of Ron Paul on the ballot drew Republican votes from him. He was also infuriated by the illegal presence on the ballot of Dr. Harding, whom he still fiercly maintains is directly responsible for the death of his mother, Marla Manda Johannsen during her recent, ill-advised bounty-hunting journey to Vietnam. He also vowed to follow in his mother's footsteps to Vietnam to find and extradite Dr. Harding should he not win the re-vote.

Green Party candidate Andrea Gilanshah also objected to the presence of Dr. Harding, and believe he may have drawn away valuable votes from the 50 or so old Jewish socialists still living in pockets of Armitage Hill that might have made for a more narrow margin.

Kimball F. Burin, running under the made-up banner of the "Anti-Bedwetters Democratic Union," made some wildly unfounded accusations to the Free-Press last week to the effect that his campaign was personally sabotaged by myself and my assistant Marisha, and also claimed to have photos of the two of us dressed in (his words) "bondage gear" sneaking around his headquarters on Stanton Avenue which he will post to his website this week. This is too ridiculous to even contemplate responding to seriously.

Ron Paul's presidential campaign released a statement late last week denying any responsibility for any "spambots." However, the shadowy Facebook group "HAXX0RZ 4 RON PAUL WINING EVERY ELECTION!!!11!!!" may have played some role in the strong spambot-aided showing by Rep. Paul. An investigation is underway. Libertarian spambots have no place in our local elections.

The re-vote will be held tomorrow, November 13. For information about where to vote, please contatct the Pierce County Board of Elections at (436) 774-VOTE, or visit their website at http://elections.pierce.mish.hu.us/.

Election results!

Well, the hard work is all over, and I want to thank everyone that voted for me in yesterday's election. You'll note I didn't mention much about the election on my blog here, but I want very much to keep politics out of here, and focus on the things that transcend politics -- non-partisan issues like my recent Christmas Island Economic Sustainability Plan. The sorts of things we can all agree on as a neighborhood, regardless of party affiliation.

Nonetheless, here are the results of the 3rd Ward city council election, as certified by the Herald-Star and KWHA 5 television.

All of my opponents are honorable, intelligent men and women, and I am proud to have had such distinguished opponents in this race. When I say this, however, I do not include novelist and gadabout Kimball Burin, whose dull, endless tirades against me (under the auspices of a fictitious, inaccruately-named and generally insulting "Anti-Bedwetter's Democratic Union") are an embarrassment to his otherwise sterling legacy of hard-hitting drunken New Journalism. Nor do I include fugitive malcontent Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding, who remains a dangerous, crazed idealogue that we are still working very hard to extradite and should probably not be permitted to appear on a ballot legally -- the fact that he ran in absentia representing the Vietnamese Communist Party is pure spite, and also probably not legal.

Ron Paul is a good man, too, I suppose, if you're into his sort of thing (I have endorsed Bill Richardson myself!). Apparently, though, he only earned half a percentage point owing to the influence of overzealous Libertarian computer spambots that somehow worked their way onto the electronic grid. I will probably need to appoint a commission to look into that.

I invite all citizens of the 3rd Ward to join me in the hard work that remains to be done in the next five years -- excepting, of course, members of the Vietnamese Communist Party and the Anti-Bedwetter's Democratic Union.


Sherman LARSON
(Democrat)
54%


Barry G. JOHANNSEN
(Republican)
35%


Andrea GILANSHAH
(Green)
6%


Kimball F. BURIN
(Anti-Bedwetters Democratic Union)
3%


Bronwynn Hyperioum EISENBERG
(Wiccan Socialist)
1%


Dr. Thomas Jefferson HARDING
(Đang Cong san Viet Nam)
0.5% (in absentia)


Ron PAUL
(Republican Misc.)
0.5%

"Scary" Halloween costumes!

I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the high volume of wacky Halloween costume pictures that we've gotten emailed to us here in the office -- it seems like an awful lot of you were dressing up as me this year for Fright Night festivities! Below are some of the best ones! My pick for winner is little Madison Monaghan-Gibney of Kendall Park below! My assistant Marisha says the best resemblance is Adam Beyersdorf of Wihinapa (with his "hippie" wife Allison below).




Well done, everyone!

Marisha thought that some of these photos were just people in suits after work, but it's clear to me from the hair coloring and posture that they're "doing Sherman." I feel proud to be a part of people's lives in this way.

For obvious reasons, I chose not to include any photos of "me" that involved blood, Monopoly money, arrow-through-the-head props, East German commandant uniforms, marijuana references, shredded-up copies of the U.S. Constitution and/or all of these items at once (very clever, Bud Hobday of Armitage Hill).

Upcoming ArtBuddies events schedule, November and December.

Law and Order's Ric Ocasek (left) meets Cars frontman Richard Belzer (right), at the Mishipeshu Center for the Arts.

Don't miss Mishipeshu Public Radio presents the ArtBuddies series at the Mishipeshu Center for the Arts! Every few weeks, MPR will be bringing together two great minds of our time and turning them loose to talk about whatever they want -- no gimmicks, no scripts, no limits, just fascinating conversation between some of the most interesting people in the arts today. These sessions will be moderated by Brad Lebree, contributor to such beloved public radio porgrams programs as SpinBack, Crosstalk, AfterWord, Lebensraum, The Alvin Blomgren Show, Vox Humana, Ecelectricity, Alvin Blomgren Presents The Buzz Treatment With Brad Lebree, Bookstorm, The Linkup, The Big Time, Sunday Voices, Sunday Voices: Saturday Edition, The Emphasizer, Audio Box, Station Break, Here Comes the Comptroller and the highly anticipated upcoming news and feature series Buzz Beat With Brad Lebree and Nancy Chakravarty.

11/3: Phillip Glass and Rick Dees
11/17: Peter Criss and Gore Vidal
11/27: Richard Belzer and Ric Ocasek
12/14: Joe Satriani and Joanna Newsom
12/21: Christopher Hitchens and Fab Five Freddy

Fall arts and culture round-up: visual arts preview!

Armitage Heights Center for Contemporary Art: MySpace Facebook Guantanamo: New Work by Hanson Freeman Carney

Mishipeshu Institute of Art: Arbus /Frazetta (October 20, 2007 - March 3, 2008) .

Stanton Avenue Arts: Maeda Bedosky: New Paintings on Corporate Letterhead (November 3, 2007 - February 2, 2008) .

Hanley Contemporary: Mas Feces (November 7, 2007 - December 19, 2007).

5299 Space: Building Code Violations (October 12, 2007 - ongoing) (note: the 5299 Space remains closed for building code violations)

Little Wilmington Arts Center: New Botanical Watercolors by George Thorogood and the Destroyers (October 18, 2007 - January 24, 2008) [pictured above]; Cambridge x Dover x Chincoteague: Six New Delmarva Artists (November 11, 2007-January 3, 2008).

Baby Dolls Heads: New Baby Doll Head Collages by Suzanne S. Carmichael (November 14, 2007 - December 2, 2007).

Christmas Island must be retained, part one.

Indie-pop sensations -- and possibly soon-to-be-former Armitage Heights residents -- Christmas Island.

Well, I've been back in the neighborhood for about a week now following my experiences in Ireland and Dubai. It's been quite a journey. For the first few days back, I was having severe involuntary convulsions that resembled lay-ups, and I kept referring to Marisha as "Coach Red."

I'm feeling much better now, however, and it's time to get back to doing the work of this neighborhood.

There are a lot of very important issues coming up in the coming months -- land use policy in the Armitage Avenue corridor, the Zoning Appeal Commission's quarterly report on tax-funded mixed-use encounter pools, programmatic changes regarding the Committee on Zeppelin & Airship Policy, and community reinvestment in the Freemasonry District, but there is one issue facing our community that dwarves all of these for our area's future well-being, and that is indie-pop band Christmas Island's recent decision to relocate to Brooklyn.

I had my assistant Marisha draw up a chart in Excel this morning, and I think it's very instructive:



It's no coincidence that the year a neighborhood band got it's first 9.0+ rating on Pitchfork (Teenage Law Student's It's Hard To Figure What A German With An Enormous Moustache Does For A Living in 2003) was the same year that our local percent increase in real GDP growth rates were in the top quintile nationally for at least a decade. Christmas Island's last EP garnered a 7.8 rating. Is there any doubt the LP they are presently recording for Sub Pop Records will be at least a 9.0? And is there any doubt what economic factors will be positively affected? Good record reviews mean credibility, and in today's new econony, credibility is economic prosperity.

I am going to be proposing a plan to the city council in the next several weeks to make the case for keeping Christmas Island as permanent residents of our beautiful city. Stay tuned for the details!

A "shout out" for my fellow survivors of the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league!

Dazed fellow hostage Mark Imbretson (as Larry Bird), moments after our rescue.

The twenty-two days I spent in Irish billionaire Tynan Tiarchnach's illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league were some of the most challenging of my life -- and some of the most rewarding. We were forced to play three games a day, refer to each other using only our illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league names, and wear Celtic uniforms whose shorts left nothing to the imagination -- and, where relevant, blonde wigs and mustaches. But despite that, the camaraderie I formed with my fellow hostages, and the great times we shared in winning the forced simulation of the 1984 NBA championship made it feel less like a simulation whose outcome was mapped out, but more like the result of real teamwork in action, a commitment to persevere, and a will to be winners! There were some times when I almost forgot we were hostages.

So here is a tribute to the men and woman that comprised our championship illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league team. They are all fine, healthy and on their way back home -- and they are some of the best men and woman I've ever had the pleasure of encountering.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Larry Bird equivalent:
Mark Imbertson, 19, student
New Brighton, MN
This kid was unbelievable! He had the biggest shoes to fill as "the hick from French Lick," but he was amazing out there on the boards. He definitely earned his extra rations! I hope the Golden Gophers management are paying attention, because this kid is on fire!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Robert Parish equivalent:
Hanson Lenk, 39, optometrist
Schaumberg, IL
Hanson was a real trouper. What else can I say?

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Kevin McHale equivalent:
Bruce Hagen, 43, software engineer
Philadelphia, PA
Poor Bruce had been a hostage longer than all of us -- he was kidnapped by Tiarchnach's operatives on a vacation to Venice six months ago. He was in great shape, though, and was actually the one that managed to sneak out and alert the authorities. Good lay-up, too.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Dennis Johnson equivalent:
Patrick Cotrell, Ph.D., 35, professor of art history
Springfield, MO
Dr. Cotrell had the hardest time of all of us -- he didn't have any idea who Dennis Johnson was, and had only barely heard of Larry Bird, which infuriated our captors. Luckily, we were able to "clue him in" after lights-out without the guards knowing. Being a professor, he was a quick study!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Cedric Maxwell equivalent:
Chuck Lurati, 53, city council member
Pittsfield, MA
Chuck is also a public servant! A representative of Pittsfield's Ward Seven, we bonded right away. In fact, we became a great two-person civic juggernaut on the boards. I'm looking forward to seeing him at the annual city government convention in Palm Springs this year.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Gerald Henderson equivalent:
Don Douglas, 30, pastry chef
Brampton, Ontario
Great hustle!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Scott Wedman equivalent:
Senthilkumar Venkattasetty, 24, programmer
Palo Alto, CA
Also a vegetarian, just like the real Soctt Wedman!

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Quinn Buckner equivalent:
Adam Elliott, 20, student
Lansing, MI
Another "kid" that made us oldsters look bad out there! He always shared his rations with us.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage M.L. Carr equivalent:
Dae-Hyun Park, 22, graduate student
Seoul, South Korea
No slouch on free throws! The only non-English speaker among us, but he did a really passable M.L. impersonation.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Greg Kite equivalent:
Jessica Swallen, 22, barista
Austin, TX
Jessica was a great sport (she was forced to wear a mustache at all times to resemble Greg Kite), and not bad on free throws. It turns out that she was a big fan of the indie-rock band the October Revolutionists, who she was excited to learn are from Armitage Heights! I hope that my assistant Marisha and her can become friends on Facebook, because they have a lot of interests in common.

1984 Celtic Dubai hostage Carlos Clark equivalent:
Carlos Clark, 47, high school basketball coach
Naples, FL
Astonishingly, this is the same Carlos Clark that actually played for the Celtics in 1984 -- they managed to kidnap the real one! Carlos kept us sane with his tales of the 1984 Celtics. He should write a book about it!

I am back! And what a tale I have to tell!

Hello again, everyone!

I am writing you this message from the American consulate in Dubai, UAE, in a nice, cool, air-conditioned office overlooking the Persian Gulf. What a wild few weeks!

My apologies for causing anyone distress over my disappearance. I am safe now, but it was looking bad for a little while.

The truth about where I was is too strange to make up, but the gist of it is this: it turns out the U2-themed tour group that I used is very, very unscrupulous. I probably should have looked a little closer at their licensing. But basically, I was taken into a house I was told belonged to U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr. (it did not), administered powerful drugs, and shipped without my consent from Ireland all the way to Dubai. There, in an underground pleasure prison owned by a wealthy Dublin expatriate on an artificially-constructed Ireland-themed island, I was forced to impersonate Danny Ainge (left) in an all-hostage on-court re-enactment of the 1984 season of the Boston Celtics (that's the year they beat the Lakers in the NBA championship).

It's hard to believe, but it's true.

I couldn't believe my jump shot was still fairly decent, too -- I haven't played much ball since high school (you locals will remember that I was a backbencher for Wihinapa High's 1986 team, the one that lost in the southern regional playoffs to Mesquakie).

This went on for about two weeks -- the Celtics' 1984 season meticulously recreated at gunpoint by a gang of Irish-American roughnecks in the employ of a Dublin billionaire in an underground dungeon decorated to resemble the interior of Boston Garden, right down to the parquet floor. Finally, the man they had playing Kevin Hale, a software engineer from Philadelphia, escaped and alerted the authorities just a few days ago. In the middle of our forced re-enactment of Game 3 against the hostage faux-Lakers, the Dubai Police Force, in collaboration with the Irish Garda Síochána, private investigators hired by local venture capitalist and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz, and Interpol agents, burst in through the skylights and had the entire operation shut down in minutes. Once they did, they joined us on the court for a little pick-up game -- hostage faux-Celtics, Gardas and private investigators vs. hostage faux-Lakers, Interpol agents and Dubai policemen!

Our captor was an Irish businessman and billionaire named Tynan Tiarchnach who owned a mansion on the Ireland island of the so-called "World" project in Dubai (right). It turns out he was wanted in Ireland for tax evasion. He will now be tried in Dubai for human trafficking, and then extradited to Ireland.

Despite all of the dangers -- I endured some serious sleep deprivation, minor abrasions and a torn hamstring from a shot I took up against hostage faux-James Worthy -- I had a truly wonderful time! Dubai is beautiful! The American consulate has been amazing, and there are many exciting business opportunities here that our community may want to explore in the future. Ireland, too, was marvelous, or at least up until the kidnapping. I would encourage everyone to be sure that if they take a U2-themed tour of Ireland or any other country, please use a travel group registered with either a legitimate travel agency or through U2 themselves.

I understand things were quite busy in my absence. with the whole spectacle of the Romney family debacle -- Mitt Romney is calling for my resignation for allowing myself to be kidnapped, which is ridiculous. My assistant Marisha also seems to be enduring some venom from certain quarters of the conservative blogosphere, which is unfortunate. I'll answer these charges when the time comes.

On a side note, Interpol also took the trouble to recover my all time career stats in the illegal underground Boston Celtics Dubai hostage basketball league, so please enjoy them below! I return to Armitage Heights on Saturday, and I will be so glad to be back, serving this fine community as your city councilman!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: An email from Sherman!

I received this email late last night from Sherman's Facebook page:


m--

i am on an island near dubai right now but safe and healthy, long story,
can't write much now will pass on word later glad to see you are holding
things down apologies for teh brevity

--s


That's all I know so far, but I'll be posting updates as we learn then. He's alive and well, thankfully, and apparently able to use Facebook.

Ted Norlander: "It's a lot like that episode of Thundercats."

An excerpt from a piece that award-winning memoirist and journalist Ted Norlander wrote for the Free Press this week. Of everything that's been written on Sherman's disappearance, I find it one of the most affecting. It shows yet again why Norlander is one of the most gifted writers of his generation, and even more, that this neighborhood has some of the most talented people in the world living in it. Sherman will be proud when he returns. - Marisha

Yo Sherm, where you at?

It is it not to my liking to have you missing in action for so long. It is not not to my not-liking, at the very least. Not-liking is a powerful and weird impulse. "Dig"? That's what the hippies would say. But these ain't friendly free-love 1967 hippies, no sir; the ones I'm talking about are the furious, the be-ruffled biker denim-pantsed motherfuckers from Altamont and Charlie "Ask Me About The Swastika On My Forehead" Manson. They want blood, and they want it now. When I ask if you "dig", that's the "dig" I'm talking about. Hippie fury, broseph, and that's no metaphor.

Do you remember that episode of Thundercats when Panthro gets lost in the Ro-Bear Berbil Village, and Lion-o and Jagra and Tygra can't find him anywhere, and they fear he has been kidnapped by Mumra and the Jackalmen? But really he just tripped over a rock or a something and he is merely unconscious and being tended to by the Ro-Bears? And there's a tearful reunion at the end when Jagra finds him, and all is right on New Earth again? It reminds me a lot of that. I hope this ending is similar to that ending, because that is what I want -- roll credits, created by Tobin Wolf, copyright 1987, a Lorimar-Telepictures Production, stay tuned for M.A.S.K. And then it's Zappetites for dinner. That is the ending I want.

I used to listen to a lot of Tesla, who were if not a seminal influence on me, than at least seminal-ish. The song lyric I had written all over my Lee jean jacket walking down the ochre-hued hallways of Kendall Park Junior High School was from the excellent "Heaven's Trail (There's No Way Out)," from their equally excellent and criminally underrated Mechanical Resonance, and they went a little something like this: "You know there's nothin' like the real world / To get me down. / Nothin' like the world outside / That turns me upside down / Makes me feel like I'm headin' down a one-way, dead-end street." Ha ha, right? Wrong, bucko. Aside from being an incredibly powerful Marxist critique (or like, whatever) worthy of Roland Barthes, that spring to mind to in this situation, and it might for those who don't even know who the hell Frank Hannon is. What the hell is wrong with me that an important person is missing, and all I can think of is to quote Tesla? All I can think about is Tesla? But Tesla is what is important. Sherman is wearing a Lee jacket covered with song lyrics, too. And he's on his way to find his way out. "Dig"?





This piece has also been excerpted in the New York Times Magazine, Esquire, and Spin. Ted Norlander is also the author of The Shah of Iran Keeps His Cool Side Cool: Essays On the Bloated-Out Carcass of Trans-American Culture In A Period I Do Not Actually Remember Much Of, 1979-1987; They Said Simon Le Bon Was Right and I Have the Stopwatch to Prove It: Seven-and-Three-Fifths Months in the Life of the American Post-Indie Underground; Sorry About the Disco Upstairs: New Critical Essays and Restaurant Placemat Puzzles For the Youth of America, and the recently re-issued Kill Them Again: The Awesome, Screaming Death of Discourse in the U.S.A. and Twelve or Thirteen Other New Half-Truths. His first novel, Hommina Hommina Hommina, will be published by Harper-Collins in early 2008.

Kimball F. Burin: "Sherman is probably looking for a teat to suckle on."

Legendary local novelist Kimball F. Burin in an interview with Walter Kirn in this week's New York Times Review of Books:

Kirn: The city councilman in your district, who you've written about ["Councilboy Moonface," in the December 2005 issue of Esquire], has been in the news recently, having disappeared in Ireland for a week while on vacation.

Burin: I don't see what the big deal is about this thing. I used to go missing for weeks all the time when I was a young man. Hell, I disappeared for five weeks in the god-damned deserts of Arizona or New Mexico or somewhere in 1956, and when I was finished, I just wandered back into my home in Kendall Park, and [third wife] Sarah was waiting for me, and that was that. Not only that, I managed to find time to write four novels about the whole god-damned experience [Tender Mercies, Christ In Tahoe, Here Comes the Evening, Never to Return].

Kirn: Yes, the Desert Quadrology. Those aren't necessarily...

Burin: Hell, I disappeared for a month in the Tarawa Atoll for three months -- I was living in a rusted-out Japanese water tower and killing god-damned howler monkeys with my bare hands so I could eat their brains. You know, the islanders thought that the brains had a special power, a sort of primitive atavistic magic, so I would rub the gray matter all over my face and go tearing through the jungle in my skivvies and scaring the hell out of the god-damned Krauts or lemurs or whoever. So my point is I don't know what the bally-hoo is about. Sherman is just another infantilized boy-man tied to his mother's apron strings, and probably wandering around Ireland looking for a teat to suckle. Maybe this will finally coerce him to grow a pair, if he isn't holed up with a commune of Irish hookers with a mothering festish, which he probably is. By the time I was his age, I'd already had three wives and killed nineteen men. What's he done, besides stain the marble floors in City Hall bright yellow with his boy-scented terror-piss?

Kaos Krew: "Our Dublin posse are on the case, yo."

Music video director, model and fashion designer L'il Warsaw of the Kaos Kollective, formerly known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew.


A news bulletin from the Kaos Krew's new website:

It is with heavy heartz that we learned recently of Councilman Sherman Larson's disappearance, right in the backyard of our adopted homeland of Great Britain. Though we had our differencez with Sherman while we still lived in Armitage Heightz, we always thought of him as a man whose authority we could respect. It is because of his ceaseless attention into getting the word out about our street art that we began our rise to international superstardom. We pray to the one true God that he will turn up soon.

We have also mobilized our Irish crew to comb the streetz of Dubtown to turn him up. We got some krazy konnectionz there. The least we can do is lend a hand of support to the brave men and women of the Irish police force that are working so tirelessly to locate Sherman.

Finally, we will be travelling to Dubtown ourselvez to sponsor a benefit concert called SHERMAN WHERE U @ Fest 2007, headlined by our good friends Tricky, the Arctic Monkeys, Common, Goldie, Simon Le Bon, Michel Gondry, Kate Moss, Massive Attack, the Editors, Shepard Fairey, Phillip Glass, Amy Winehouse, RZA, Bloc Party, Razorlight, Nas, Pete Doherty, Kaiser Chiefs, the Streets, Lily Allen, the Go Team, the Chemical Brothers featuring Noel Gallagher, Art Brut, Jonny Greenwood, Primal Scream, Basement Jaxx, Tracey Emin, Damon Albarn, GZA, Snow Patrol, Supergrass, Stella McCartney, Jenny Saville, M.I.A., Bianca Jagger, Julian Casablancas, Ash, Jarvis Cocker, Ms. Dynamite, Guy Ritchie, John Lurie, Slick Rick, Damian Hirst, the Pet Shop Boys, Dirty Pretty Things, Scott Walker, Stereo MCs, Marc Jacobs, David Beckham, Dizzee Rascal, Martin Bashir, Mark E. Smith, Vivienne Westwood, Kasabian, Chloe Sevigny, the Chapman Brothers, Peter O'Toole, Timbaland, Damo Suzuki, Futura 2000, Lady Sovereign, Yelloman, Goldfrapp, Starsailor, Joss Stone, Todd Oldham, Monie Love, Craig David, Malcolm McLaren, Martin Amis, Super Furry Animals, Kelis, the Doves, Andrew Ridgeley, Manic Street Preachers, Matthew Barney, So Solid Crew, Vincent Gallo, the Dandy Warhols, Keane, Fela Kuti, John Cale, Sporty Spice, Dr. Alex Patterson of the Orb, Mos Def, MC Lyte, Peter and Gordon, Pete Best, Chad and Jeremy, Heavy D & the Boyz, Peter Gabriel, Mark Ecko, Lady Pink, and a few very special guests, including the amazing Muse featuring KRS-One with Lou Reed on drums. Please visit the website for more details, and to learn how you can help us find our friend.

Peace out.

Rockwell Katz: "My zeppelin fleet will find Sherman."

Internet mogul and amateur zeppelin enthusiast Rockwell Katz.

Marisha here -- your letters, emails and notes have been flooding the office since the news of Councilman Larson's disappearance in Ireland last week. We're keeping a live feed of updates from Dublin at Sherman's official City Council website. Commissioner Noel Conroy of Garda Síochána, the Irish national police force, has expressed hope that Sherman is probably just lost somewhere.

There have been many events scheduled in the next few days to raise money and awareness, and hopefully help lead to Sherman's recovery.

A Battle of the U2 Cover Bands Benefit Concert will be held tomorrow night at 9:00 PM at the Evarts Avenue Tavern, featuring some of the metro area's best U2 cover bands, like Unforgettable Fire, 40 Foot Lemon, The Francis Gary Powers Experience, Mothers of the Disappeared, Gloria and the Octobers, U3 and Love Is A Temple. The Evarts Avenue Tavern is located at 3809 E. Evarts Avenue in Armitage Heights.

GoSystemsCorp.com Zeppelinarium CEO Rockwell Katz also held a press conference yesterday, announcing his initiative to comb the Irish countryside with four of his new zeppelins in hopes of locating Sherman. "Zeppelins are the ideal tool for locating missing persons," he said. "They are high in the air and slow-moving, allowing for careful and thorough observation of the ground before." Katz then pointed out that zeppelins have assisted in the recovery of over one dozen missing persons since 1916. "There is a tradition here that I will help carry on into the new century."

Below is a graphic Katz presented at the press conference, and a photo of his lead zeppelin, the U.S.S. GoSystemsCorp.com. He mentioned that this undertaking will cost "probably in the ballpark of $75 million" of his own fortune. I reminded Katz later that Sherman actually voted against granting him a license to open his zeppelinarium, and he just laughed.

"Zeppelins aren't about bad feelings from the past, Marisha," he said. Then he paused. "Well, actually, they are, which is exactly why I'm doing this. A man is in trouble, and the least I can do is use my resources to help find him and bring him back. What is it I have? Zeppelins, that's what."

So I guess once Katz's injunction to legally bring a zeppelin into the European Union goes through, and the zeppelins are shipped to Dublin and launched from an as-yet-unconstructed zeppelinarium, he will be on his way to making Sherman the first missing person located with the assistance of a zeppelin since 1940.

Ireland searches for Sherman.

The Dublin apartment and childhood home of U2 bassist Larry Mullen Jr., where Sherman Larson was last seen.

From the BBC's website:

A search has been launched for US politician Sherman Larson, who went missing in Dublin following a tour on Thursday.

Mr Larson was reportedly last seen with his tour group at the childhood home of U2 bassist Larry Mullen, Jr.

Both the police and Mr Larson's tour company say they still have no leads about the missing politician.

Mr Larson, a city council member from the American city of Mishipeshu, was visiting Ireland on a three-week tour themed around the Irish rock band U2.

His assistant, Marisha Ferguson, filed a missing persons' report with the American embassy in Dublin on Sunday, saying no-one had heard from Mr Larson since Thursday evening.

Mr Larson represents the Armitage Heights neighborhood of Mishipeshu, perhaps best known for its zeppelinarium and large Esperanto-speaking community.

Ms Ferguson herself has come under scrutiny in the US media recently for expelling former Massachusetts governor and US presidential candidate Mitt Romney's children from Mr Larson's home. Mr Romney issued a statement today wishing for "a speedy return for Councilman Larson," but also hinted that Ms Ferguson has fabricated the story to "distract from her awful behavior regarding my boys."

In a press conference today, Commissioner Noel Conroy of Garda Síochána, the Irish national police force, expressed confidence that Mr Larson was "alive and well and would be located very soon."

Mr Mullen expressed his hope on behalf of U2 that Mr Larson would "turn up soon," and stressed the tour group was "in no way affiliated with or endorsed by U2 or its members."

Ms Ferguson had no comments for the media.

Friday local blog round-up.

Hi everyone, Marisha here. Well, it's been an interesting couple of days here in the neighborhood, as you may have read. Mitt Romney and his damn Rod and Tod Flanders kids have managed to demonize me in the national spotlight, and the neighborhood is in turmoil as the late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski lies in state.

Sherman appears to be unreachable in Ireland for the near future, and his replacement blogger, Councilman Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward) refuses to execute his duties -- he's still upset about the Romney thing, which is his fault anyway. So it appears to be left to me to fill in and hope Sherman is back soon.

Here, then, are some links to a wide range of excellent local blogs for you to enjoy over the three-day weekend. They really show off some of the talent in our local blogging community.

...From My Cold Dead Hands: State Rep. Brooks: is he our Joseph Stalin?
the many lives of jennifer b.: my acupuncturist is a whore
Cinematters.net: I still can't believe Ingmar Bergman and Michaelangelo Antonioni died on the same day
Armitage Heights Shopping Blog: The hidden gems of Fairchild Parkway-U.S. Highway 73
kiss my grits: some cool ideas for new parking meters
Emoscreamodreamo: Upon All the Living and the Dead are the new I Promise To See You Die And I Will
The Kendall Parker: There's no good grocery stores on Stanton Avenue.
Faithblog: Remembering late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski.
WMSH6.com: Who was late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski?
Armitage Heights Fress Press: The secret last wishes of late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski
Strikethrough: Late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski in his own words.
Mr. Destructo: The many outrages of late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski.

"Liberals like Marisha Ferguson are what's wrong with America."

An excerpt from Mitt Romney's speech before the Southern Nevada Young Republicans Association in Henderson, Nevada yesterday afternoon. - Marisha

"What's the Democrats' vision for America? I'll tell you, because my five sons got to meet her last week in person -- maybe you heard."

[laughter]

"Oh, there she is!"

[image of Marisha Ferguson appears on screen behind Governor Romney.]

[boos]

"The Democrats' vision for America is a know-it-all leftist graduate student on a government paycheck, with no real skills, making arbitrary decisions about who and who isn't welcome in their community. Well, I've got news for you, Marisha Ferguson -- your actions speak volumes about you and the party you represent. You know, these people say the problem is with America. People like Marisha, they see America as some awful, embarrassing problem to be solved. Well that's not the America I know. I'll tell you what the real problem is -- not America, but liberals like Marisha Ferguson. Elitist, imperious liberals like Marisha Ferguson are what's wrong with America."

[raucous applause]

The Romney wars continue.

Marisha here. Well, what to say. Things are taking a sort of rough turn here at Sherman's place.

I actually had to physically kick the Romney brothers out of Sherman's house where they were staying. I haven't heard from Sherman in Ireland since last Thursday, and can't seem to get ahold of him. The Romneys were out of control, and someone had to do something. Cleaning the bathrooms and blaring the Killers 24/7 was bad, but it got worse when they started rifling through Sherman's personal belongings. I came in to check up on them Sunday night, and they had removed all of the coffee, tea and alcohol out of the kitchen and were pouring it down a storm drain the backyard, and even worse, removing all the of the books from the living room they found offensive.

"Look at this," yelled Biff (or Jake, or Jeff, or whichever one it was) at me, waving a copy of Kimball Burin's account of his 1973 Senate campaign Slaughter of the Innocents in my face. "This filth! You people actually elected this guy to public office? He's a socialist! This is the kind of trash my dad is going to clean up when he's elected President!"

They were removing handfuls of books and DVDs and taking them out to the curb. They had actually stripped the top layer of porcelain off of the bathtub because they were scrubbing it so vigorously. One of them -- I think Skip Romney -- had actually gone to the Home Depot in Seabridge and had purchased a posthole digger, a bunch of lumber and whitewash, intending to build a white picket fence in Sherman's yard.

And the Killers. Looping. Looping. Looping...

I told them it was time for them to get the hell out, that Sherman hadn't invited them anyway, and they could go stay with Reeves Sinderman in his suburban McMansion.

Biff (or Alex, or Eric, or whoever) accused me of being an unclean foul-mouthed Jezebel.

But those Romney boys are a polite bunch, if nothing else, and shuffled out the door back into their SUVs and drove off. I left a message with Megan Van Deest, Reeves Sinderman's assistant, that I had sent the Romneys off, and they were her problem now. She called me a lesbian. It turns out the Romneys called their dad, and Mitt flew them back to Massachusetts that night.

I wish that I could have gotten Sherman's OK on this, since it's his house, but I haven't heard from him. He seems to be off the grid. I have no idea where he could be in Ireland that would put him out of touch for so long, but I hope to hear from him soon.

All the news vans that were covering unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski's funeral in Little Warsaw have now sped across the neighborhood, and are camped outside, covering what the right-wing blogs have taken to calling "the Mitt-Sherman blood feud." I've heard that Mitt Romney is preparing a statement about how his poor boys were treated here in Armitage Heights.

"Poor boys." Really. I don't care how handsome and cleancut those "boys" are: you don't invite yourself into someone's house without their permission, set up an operations headquarters, use their phones to raise money to combat gay marriage and socialized medicine on behalf of your rich handsome dad, clean people's bathrooms, toss out their caffeinated drinks, blare crappy Mormon rock groups on their stereos, construct white picket fences in their backyard for photo-ops, and throw their 1970s-era New Journalism anthologies out onto the streets because you don't like them. If thinking that makes me a lesbian, than I guess that's what I am.

I am going to sleep now.

Above: Supporters of late unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski hold a candlelight vigil near his former home in Kendall Park last night.

Unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, 1971-2007.

Unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, a local activist, public speaker and massage therapist, passed away of natural causes last Friday at his home in Kendall Park. He was 36.

Wisniewski is perhaps best remembered for his role and later acquittal in the Winter Parade disturbances of 2006.

He had a private funeral on Wednesday, and will be interred at Stanislaus of Szczepanów Catholic Cemetary in Little Warsaw tomorrow.

Marisha here: I am taking a stand against Romney brothers, unsolicited bathroom decorations and the Killers.

Hello everyone, Marisha here. It is Friday night and I am going completely crazy. The Romney brothers are staying (uninvited) in Sherman's house, and he has requested I check up on them. I am -- I ride over on my scooter twice a day, and always expect the worst. It is hellish.

But it's hellish in a much different way than I am used to. I remember when I was in college I used to live in a loft in the Cassock District with a roommate that dated L'il Warsaw from the Kaos Krew for awhile, and those guys would come over and trash the place and listen 3rd Bass and House of Pain and all those other rap groups that used to have siren sound effects in all of their songs.

It's not hellish in that way.

I think it may be worse. It's more insidious. The Romney brothers -- Biff (right), Jake and I forget the names of the other three, Skip or Jason or Toby or something -- keep blaring the Killers, on a loop, all day and night, and they keep reminding me, over and over, that the Killers are LDS, just like them.

There are hardcover copies of A Mormon in the White House?: 10 Things Every American Should Know about Mitt Romney by Hugh Hewitt on every flat surface.

They spend all day making phone calls to wealthy Republican donors in the 8th and 14th wards, and cleaning Sherman's bathroom. I mean, cleaning it all of the time. Without his permission. Look, here is a picture of Sherman's bathroom:



Did I mention the Killers? I am serious. All day and night. It's even the same song. "Read My Mind."



They want to write "guest blog entries" about their dad and market-based solutions to the health care crisis and the Boston Red Sox and A Mormon in the White House?: 10 Things Every American Should Know about Mitt Romney by Hugh Hewitt. I told them no way. They have their own blog. This blog is for the 3rd ward. Councilman Sinderman has threatened legal action against me and keeps spreading rumors that I am a bisexual vegan socialist (only a third true), but I don't care. Megan Van Deest keeps hanging around flirting with the Romneys even though they've all been married to nice Utah girls since they were 20, and keeps trying to needle me about her going to Vassar and how I stayed in Mishipeshu to go to the University here instead, and is just generally acting unbearable in the sort of way that only a Vassar girl can act unbearable (and overlay that with the fact that she is psychotic about the "free market" in a way I didn't know people were anymore). I haven't even seen Reeves Sinderman for a week.

So I changed the Blogger password, and I am locking the five Romneys and Megan Van Deest and Reeves Sinderman out until Sherman is back from Ireland.

And that is that.

ON THE SCENE! With my assistant Megan

Hello, my name is Megan Van Deest. I am executive assistant and office specialist for Councilman Reeves Sinderman, who is filling for Councilman Sherman Larson this month (I was also recently hired by Biff Romney as Treasurer for the Mishipeshans For Mitt Romney campaign steering committee, which is also temporarily located here in the 3rd Ward, in Councilman Larson's residence, in fact).

The regular author of this feature, Marisha Ferguson, seems to be busy with her duties (such as they are) around the neighborhood, so Councilman Sinderman has asked me to write this feature for the week. I haven't seen Marisha around much, but I hope she knows that she is welcome around Romney HQ. We certainly don't hold it against her that she is a member of the ACLU or a bisexual. The Romney campaign welcomes people of all backgrounds in our fight for a stronger America. After all, the Romney Brothers are a diverse bunch of guys themselves, and remember that they grew up in Boston, which is almost as liberal as Armitage Heights.

My area of expertise is in International Politics and Political Theory, particularly in regards to the work of Leo Strauss and Irving Kristol. So please forgive me if I don't quite have the same beat on the local music scene that Marisha does. I spent my college years generally away from the music scene at Vassar, so I've missed out on these sorts of things. I remember back in Poughkeepsie there was a band at one of the downtown clubs we used to see once in awhile. They did a few very good Nelly Furtado covers.

But there seem to be a lot of bands here, although many of them seem obscene or inflammatory in a way that doesn't reflect well on this neighborhood. I mean, I am no prude myself. I love all kinds of music, from hip-hop to country, but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of using a City Council blog as a platform for privileged, angry middle-class liberals to mouth off about societal forces they don't have a real understanding of. Therefore, I have elected not to post show information by bands like the October Revolutionists, who are named for Marxists anyway.

I haven't been to any concerts since I've been home, but maybe I'll check a few of these out:

The Rockers for Romney benefit will be held at Cliff's Tavern this Friday evening at 6703 Kendall Parkway near State Highway 82. I know that's a little out of the way from the 3rd Ward proper, but well worth the drive. HedRush, Galaxxxy and Linger will be performing, beginning at 8:30 P.M., and concluding by 11:00 P.M.

HedRush will also be performing here in Armitage Heights at Spike's Gaslight Pub, located at 5200 Stanton Avenue South. I have been very impressed with their demo tape. It's very cool.

I hope this helps you plan for the weekend.

So...I have houseguests!

Sherman here, everyone! I've just been at an internet pub in Dublin enjoying a Guinness and reflecting back on an exciting afternoon of visiting Bono's primary school and hearing his second form English teacher speak, when I decided to check in with the old "blog" to see how things are going back in Armitage Heights.

And imagine my surprise to learn that I have five houseguests in my absence! What a surprise! As you can see, I was so surprised I spilled my Guinness all over the table and on my "Rattle and Hum" t-shirt (my new friend, tour buddy and fellow U2 fan Jon from Pittsburgh snapped this photo above).

Romney brothers! All five! In my house!

Wow!

This is very unexpected! And exciting!

I know they're all good boys, so I'm sure they'll take care of things just fine. Still, I am sure my assistant Marisha will be checking in on them just to be sure everything is OK.

Maybe Marisha will even be checking in with them twice a day to be certain everything is going OK!

Anyway, I've sent the boys a welcome email, and I hope that Councilman Sinderman passed on the instructions for feeding my favorite pal Hubert.

I certainly can't wait to get back to the neighborhood and have a talk with Reeves about this fascinating development!

Special election update, with guest blogger Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward)

Greetings, faithful Clarion readers. As you may have read, I will be taking over this blog for Councilman Larson this month while he is on his privately-funded vacation to the English Isles.

Councilman Larson has also asked to me stay in his house in Wihinapa in his home ward while he is away. He had mentioned that I am free to do as I wish with it in his absence, so I have decided to take this opportunity to use the house for a critically important civic function that I am certain Councilman Larson would approve of.

As you know, the legislature has voted to move the state's 2008 primaries up to February, along with South Carolina, New Hampshire and Iowa. As a result, this has become a very important and hotly-contested battleground state in the upcoming presidential elections. Of course, Pierce County and the metro area represents a significant portion of the state's electorate, and with a booming Republican population explosion in our suburbs and exurbs. This includes my own district, the 8th Ward, where I was the first Republican elected in over 30 years. It's an exciting time to be a Republican in the metro right now, and many of the Republican presidential candidates have been visiting recently to learn about the great projects we've got going here, and to get the word out about their campaigns.

Of all of the candidates running, I myself have been deeply impressed with Mitt Romney. He has the vision, candor and strength of determination to lead our country in these dangerous times. So when I found that he was hoping to set up a campaign basecamp here, I jumped at the opportunity to help out. I threw a fundraiser last week at my own home in Croxton, and was glad to meet both Romney and his amazingly gorgeous wife Ann, but also his five articulate and bright grown children: Biff Romney, Scott Romney, Brian Romney, Eric Romney and Mark Romney. We had a grand time together, and was impressed with these young men's dedication to serving their country by campaigning with their dad (here's a picture of Mitt, Ann, Biff, Scott and one of the other ones at my house).

So I decided to offer my services. Councilman Larson will be gone from his house for a whole month, and it's a nice house, so I've decided to offer up Sherman's residence as a sort of Romney brothers "base camp" for these fine young men to use for the next few weeks while they work to get the word out about their dad's campaign in Armitage Heights. And this is nothing if not a neighborhood that needs to hear the good news that these cleancut, patriotic young men are putting out there.

I'll be inviting Biff, Scott, Brian, Eric and Mark to post occassionally here -- nothing too partisan, just some thoughts about this great neighborhood while they're working here. I think they will have great fun staying in Sherman's house and taking care of it in his absence, and about their adventures working to make the 3rd Ward a better place.

So welcome to Armitage Heights, Romney brothers!

Vacation: Greetings from Dublin!

Hello, and greetings from DUBLIN, IRELAND! I can't write much, as I am using an internet pub on Grafton Street (and enjoying a delicious Guinness).

I arrived yesterday, and have been having a marvelous time. The tour guides are great, and it's very exciting to be meeting so many other Americans interested in U2. Our first stop today was at the National Museum Of U2 Art nearby on Grafton Street, which was remarkable. To the left is an outstanding painting I saw (I purchased a print for the office which I have shipped back -- at my own expense, of course -- to Marisha. Marisha, do you think we could put it over your desk in the reception area? It's about 3'x4'.). There was much more like it, including a full-size marble statue of Adam Clayton, and an impressive collection of The Edge's hats and bandanas over the years. He never seems to be without one!

We have a very full itinerary today, so I'd better get a move. We're taking a bus to see Bono's house in Killiney, and then the graveyard where Larry Mullen, Jr.'s grandmother is buried.

In the meantime, I representing our hometown well. I brought about thirty copies of the new October Revolutionists' album, which I hope to give to the Mr. Seamus Brennan, TD, the Irish Minister of Arts, Sports and Tourism. We'll be meeting him later in the week, and he'll give a short talk on the significance of Achtung Baby on Irish culture. I hope to schedule a few minutes with him afterwards to talk about some possible cross-cultural exchange program in the future. Perhaps we can appoint our own secretary of culture for our neighborhood.

I've enjoyed the posts from Reeves, as well! Be sure to email him and tell him what a great job he's doing in my absence!

City Council update, with guest blogger Reeves Sinderman (R.-8th Ward)

Greeting, faithful Clarion readers. As you may have read, I will be taking over this blog for Councilman Larson this month while he is on his privately-funded vacation in England retracing the footsteps of noted philanthropist Bono and his U-2 rock and roll band.

I have been reviewing Councilman Larson's previous posts, and I must say I am very surprised at what I have found. I had expected more updates from City Council meetings, practical community information relating to road closings and zoning ordinances, and other related matters. I know that the 3rd Ward and Armitage Heights is perhaps the most counter-cultural and youth-oriented group of neighborhoods in the metro, and that "Spin" magazine does not write articles on negotiations with municipal water service providers, but this is the business of our neighborhood, and if I may be permitted to editorialize for a moment, it deserves just as much attention as glowing write-ups on noted local rock and roll bands.

In that spirit, today's post will be a summary of the last City Council meeting's minutes, the sort of thing Councilman Larson has not typically been posting. I hope you will find them as informative as the types of posts you have been accustomed to reading about Oriental tacos and neighborhood Marxist film festivals. Please do not hesitate to contact me at reeves.sinderman@mishcitycouncil.gov with any questions or concerns.

Now, your City Council minutes:

The following items were acted on by one motion. No separate discussion or action occurred on any of the items. The consent items were approved on Council Member Remwick’s motion, Councilwoman Platt second on a 13-0 vote.

1. Approval of the minutes of the Mishipeshu City Council from the regularly scheduled meeting of July 28, 2007.
The minutes from the meeting of July 21, 2007 were approved.

2. Approve an ordinance authorizing negotiation and execution of a second amendment to the existing Water Cost Reimbursement Agreement with Harrison Pierce, L.P. to change the cost reimbursement payment schedule for both Phase One and Phase Two on the construction of a 24-inch water main and appurtenances with a cost not to exceed $3,428,000 to provide water service to the Harrison Pierce Tract located in the south corner of the Stanton Parkway and Gresham Road; and to waive the requirements of Section 25-9-67 of the City Code relating to cost reimbursement payments. No impact to the Capital Budget of the Mishipeshu Water Utility. To be reviewed by both the Water and Wastewater Commission and the Environmental Board on May 16, 2007. Recommended by the Water and Wastewater Commission.
Ordinance No. 20070517-002 was approved.

3. Approve an ordinance authorizing negotiation and execution of an amendment to the existing Wastewater Cost Reimbursement Agreement with Harrison Pierce, L.P., to increase the amount of City cost reimbursement for construction of an 18-inch and 30-inch wastewater main and appurtenances to provide wastewater service to the Harrison Pierce Tract located in the south corner of the Stanton Parkway and Gresham Road intersection for a new total actual construction cost for wastewater improvements not to exceed $3,696,000, and for the professional services costs for engineering, design and project management only for the original design, the aerial crossing design and the new wastewater tunnel alignment in an amount not to exceed $774,999, and cost reimbursement of the pump and haul operations in an amount not to exceed $150,000, increasing the original Council approval amount by $3,287,259 for a new overall total amount not to exceed $4,620,999; and waiving the requirements of Section 25-9-63 of the City Code relating to amount of cost reimbursement, waiving the requirements of Section 25-9-67 of the City Code relating to the schedule for cost reimbursement payments. Funding in the amount of $3,287,259 is included in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Improvement Budget of the Mishipeshu Water Utility. To be reviewed by both the Water and Wastewater Commission and the Environmental Board on May 16, 2007. Recommended by the Water and Wastewater Commission and the Environmental Board
Ordinance No. 20070517-003 was approved.

4. Amend the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Department of Aviation Capital Budget of Ordinance No. 20060911-002 to appropriate $1,750,000 for the Baggage Handling System Improvements and the Security System Upgrade. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Fund of the Department of Aviation. Recommended by the Airport Advisory Commission.
Ordinance No. 20070517-004 was approved.

5. Authorize acceptance of grant funds in the amount of $71,147 from the United States Federal Emergency Management Agency, Department of Homeland Security, Assistance to Firefighters Grant Program for Fire Prevention and Safety; and amend the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Mishipeshu Fire Department Operating Budget Special Revenue Fund of Ordinance No. 20060911-001 to appropriate $71,147 for the purpose of purchasing smoke alarms and publicizing the availability of these resources to a targeted population. Funding is available from the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), Department of Homeland Security, Assistance to Firefighters Grant Fire Safety and Prevention Program. An in-kind match of $17,787 is required and available in the Mishipeshu Fire Department Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget. The grant period is April 13, 2007 to April 12, 2008. There is no unanticipated fiscal impact.
Ordinance No. 20070517-005 was approved.

6. Approve an amendment to the professional service agreement with Harrison Pierce, L.L.P., Mishipeshu, HU, in an amount not to exceed $170,000, for a total contract amount not to exceed $340,000, for legal counsel related to the City's Minority-Owned and Women-Owned Business Enterprise Program (MBE/WBE), including an updated availability and disparity study of minority-owned and women-owned businesses. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budgets of various General Fund and Enterprise Fund Departments.
The motion authorizing an amendment to the professional service agreement was approved.

7. Authorize negotiation and execution of an amendment to an outside counsel contract with Cox Smith Matthews, Mishipeshu, HU, for legal services related to City of Mishipeshu v. Knox Readwell, et al.; Cause No. 2403 in the County Court at Law No. 1 in Pierce County, Huron, in an amount of $50,000, for a total contract amount not to exceed $240,000. (concerns the City's condemnation case) Funding in the amount of $25,000 is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget of the Mishipeshu Convention Center and funding in the amount of $25,000 is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget of Mishipeshu Energy.
The motion authorizing the negotiation and execution of an amendment to an outside counsel contract was approved.

8. Authorize acceptance of grant funds in the amount of $8,000 from the State of Huron Governor's Division of Emergency Management, Fiscal Year 2007 Emergency Management Performance Grant Program; and amend the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Public Safety and Emergency Management Department Operating Budget Special Revenue Fund of Ordinance No. 20060911-001 to appropriate $8,000 to improve the City of Mishipeshu's mitigation, preparedness, response, and recovery capabilities. Funding is available from the State of Huron, Governor's Division of Emergency Management. An in-kind match of $122,000 is required and included in the Public Safety and Emergency Management Department Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Operating Budget. The grant period is October 1, 2006 to September 30, 2007. There is no unanticipated fiscal impact.
Ordinance No. 20070517-008 was approved.

9. Authorize an Interlocal Agreement between the City of Mishipeshu and Pierce County, in the amount of $5,800 per month, for funding a sixth Forensic Chemist Full Time Employee who will perform drug analysis at the Mishipeshu Police Department Forensic Science Division Laboratory. Funding for a sixth forensic chemist will be provided by Pierce County on a reimbursement basis at the rate of $5,800 per month; compensation for partial months will be prorated.
The motion authorizing an interlocal agreement was approved.

10. Approve a resolution authorizing the fee simple acquisition of Lot 23, Block J, Onion Creek Forest, Section 2, Amended Plat, a subdivision in Pierce County, Huron, located at 6908 Onion Crossing Court from Alice Hellstrom for the Gresham Creek Voluntary Flood Buyout-FEMA-1606-DR Project, in the amount of $35,000 for the land and improvements and $29,550 in owner assisted relocation benefits, plus moving related expenses not to exceed $10,000, for a total amount not to exceed $74,550. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Budget of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department.
Resolution No. 20070517-011 was approved.

11. Approve a resolution authorizing the fee simple acquisition of Lot 5, Block H, Gersham Creek Forest, Section 2, Amended Plat, a subdivision in Pierce County, Huron, located at 6906 Onion Crossing Drive, from Emma Harvey for the Gresham Creek Voluntary Flood Buyout-FEMA-1606-DR Project, in the amount of $40,000 for the land and improvements and $54,500 in owner assisted relocation benefits, plus moving related expenses not to exceed $10,000, for a total amount not to exceed $104,500. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Budget of the Watershed Protection and Development Review Department.
Resolution No. 20070517-012 was approved.

12. Approve a resolution authorizing the fee simple acquisition for the Mishipeshu Clean Water Program: Govalle 1- West of Ellis Area Wastewater Project for a temporary working space easement comprising 127 square-feet of land and a temporary ingress and egress easement comprising 22,806 square feet of land out of a portion of Lot 31, Block A, Wallingwood Section II-A P.U.D., a subdivision in Pierce County, HU, located at 2800 Barton's Bluff Lane, from UDR Huron Properties, L.P., in an amount not to exceed $52,200. Funding is available in the Fiscal Year 2006-2007 Capital Improvement Budget of the Mishipeshu Water Utility. Recommended by the Water and Wastewater Commission.
Resolution No. 20070517-013 was approved.