An absolute outrage.

This week, my assistant Marisha had stumbled across a reference on Wikipedia to the underage band of skateboarding delinquents known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew having a show at a contemporary art gallery in London, England. Well, needless to say, I thought it was a joke -- not a funny one, particularly, but a joke nonetheless, since the Kaos Krew have managed to confound the authorities on a number of notable occasions, both in the physical world and in Cyberspace.

I had Marisha look into it, just to be sure. A quick international phone call to London, however, confirmed my worst suspicions: the so-called Kaos Krew are indeed part of a group show in London next month called Cow Semen For Gary: New Voices In Contemporary American Urban Street Art! Not only that, but they are featured in a lengthy profile in Artforum magazine this month! Marisha turned up this quote:

"...this anonymous young American collective have manged to transform the Ritalin and X-Box-inundated interests of their upbringings into something larger more successfully than perhaps any other artists of their generation. They have constructed with the crudest materials and crudest intentions an almost classical pantheon, a thrilling yet ordered worldview equally informed by an insatiable consumer desire and a shapeless, amorphic class rage. They have developed their own completely and uniquely synthesized mythos that runs through their work like a bike messenger weaves in and out of city traffic, referring back to itself and to an imagined outside world, a post-capitalist cosmology complete with Valhallian heroes (themselves) and villains (a small-time local politician with the deliciously square name of Sherman Larson)..."

This is absolutely outrageous!

The so-called Kaos Krew is responsible for a virtually unbroken string of petty vandalism crimes in every one of the eight metro wards, but especially here in the 3rd! They have cost the city thousands and thousands of your tax dollars defacing public property! And this is "art"?

Virtually their only "art" is enormous stenciled drawings on the sides of warehouses of General Alfredo Stroessner and myself throughout Armitage Heights, north Hanley and south Kendall Park. Very similar, in fact, to that dreadful, poorly-executed Photoshop "drawing" which they left on this website after hacking it this month.

Also, let's not forget their ridiculous re-arrangements of words on local business marquees to spell obscene and/or inappropriate phrases. Art? Only after we were able to procure the services of a freelance Scrabble champion were we able to cut down on this criminal mischief.

I fail to see how any of this is "art" worth writing about, particularly in such ridiculous, overheated language.

Listen: I am no "square," nor am I a Philistine. My aunt Helena is on the Board at the Armitage Heights Center for Contemporary Art, so I have an idea what "contemporary art" is all about. I voted, in fact, for the procurement of the funds that enabled us to build such a great facility. So I know art when I see it, and I know a sham when I see it. It's time to put an end to this sort of coddling nonsense that is ruining our neighborhood with ugly, juvenile "art." We are taking steps to apprehend the Kaos Krew before they can travel to London for their tasteless, illegal show. Furthermore, I have sent my my assistant Marisha to the art history and criticism department at the University of Mishipeshu to speak to the most respected professors there to get a second opinion on the Kaos Krew's "work."

So believe you me, this "deliciously square" councilman has got a double vise squeezing in on these delinquents: the long arm of the law on one side, and the similarly long arm of the Armitage Heights art criticism community on the other!

Our entry on Wikipedia.

It's been a little slow in the office here since the city council is out of session, so I've been having my assistant Marisha update my page on the city council's website. While she was putting together some links for the Links page, she came across Armitage Heights' entry on Wikipedia. (For those of you that don't know, "Wikipedia" is a free encyclopedia on the Internet written by regular people.)

Now, I'm always glad to see the "web community" working together to increase people's knowledge and awareness of this great neighborhood. However, I wanted to point out that the page is completely riddled with inaccuracies. It would be great if some of you amateur historians out there could pitch in and clean up certain parts.

For example, the article claims the bear that inspired the voice of Chewbacca in Star Wars once lived at the Kendall Park Zoo. I am pretty certain that is not verifiable. Furthermore, the claim that old Stanton Avenue Deli that stood at Stanton and 33rd Street for many years is the inspiration for the Mos Eisley Cantina is dubious, at best. As far as I know, George Lucas has never even visited this area.

Additionally, it makes a similarly dubious that the lyrics to the Human League's 1981 hit "Don't You Want Me?" was inspired by a local waitress that worked at the old Lakesider, back when it was a cocktail bar.

Also, the old Holy Sceptre Vestments, Ltd. company in the Cassock District primarily made cassocks for Anglican priests, not Jesuits.

It also claims that the underage gang of skaters known collectively as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew is a well-respected group of street artists that are having their debut show at a high-end gallery in London, England next month. That had better not be true. I'm going to have Marisha look into this right away.

Anyway, if anyone out there in the neighborhood could double-check these facts, that would be very helpful. Our Wikipedia page gets more hits than the official individual pages of each member of the city council put together, so it would be good if people's first impression of the neighborhood was accurate.

On the other hand, I had no idea just how many times the neighborhood has been referenced on The Simpsons. Four times, apparently.

Also, the list of punk, garage and new-wave songs that mention Armitage Avenue in the lyrics is very well-researched, as well. These are the sorts of interesting things that distinguish our neighborhood from any other.

The golden age of Sino-Mex cuisine is now!

Egg rolls rancheros with a side of salsa, as only thje Burrito Pagoda can make it!

It's been about a year since the Burrito Pagoda opened in the old Cassock District on north Armitage, and I was as delighted as anyone at the adventurousness of Chef Miguel Sanchez and his wife Chef Jun Shan's resourcefulness and sense of adventure in their Sino-Mex cuisine. Well, the national media is finally catching up to what we've known all along -- check out this profile of Sanchez and Shan in the February issue of Gourmet Magazine!

Armitage Heights is gaining a reputation as a "foodie" destination for bold fusion cuisines, and it's no wonder. In the last year alone, three other Sino-Mex places have opened: the Jade Aztec in Kendall Park, Ciudad Prohibido in Armitage Hill, and San Xiao's in the Garden District.

All four are excellent -- the lo mein tacos, Hunan-style frijoles and tortas foo young at Jade Aztec are delicious, and Ciudad Prohibido makes a wonderful sweet-and-sour guacamole. Of course, the Burrito Pagoda still has, for my money, the best Generalissimo Tso's chicken available anywhere -- not to mention the simple pleasures of their legendary stir-fried nachos, a true late-night "mack down" favorite with students at the University of Mishipeshu!

Well, with all this talk about food, I definitely think I'll be sending my assistant Marisha for take-out today!

New feature! "ON THE SCENCE!"

Hi everyone.

My name is Marisha Ferguson. You may know me better as Sherman's assistant. I do a lot of the paperwork and research around here, as well as doing some freelance design work, a little acting and generally attempting to finish up my masters degree in urban planning and women's studies at the University of Mishipeshu. Anyway, Councilman Larson saw an article mentioning some of the recent activity in our neighborhood's music scene in The New York Times Sunday Arts section this weekend, and he got kind of excited -- you can read the whole thing through this link.

He asked me if I wanted to write a little feature for the blog every once in awhile about what he loves to call "the rock scene" in the neighborhood. In his words, "keep people appraised of what's rockin' where, and where's rockin' when, who's rockin' with whom, and what not." I said sure, because I like going out to shows and there are some good bands around these days.

Of course, there's probably better resources than the 3rd Ward councilman's blog for information about upcoming shows, but I digress.

Anyway, the Times article dealt mostly with the scene up around the north end of Armitage Avenue in the old Cassock District, you know, where the Lakesider used to be. The article says:

The hipsters are all in agreement that Silver Lake is the new Williamsburg, which means Chicago's Wicker Park is coming up as the new Silver Lake. That makes Austin, Texas the new Wicker Park, Echo Park is the new Austin, Hoboken is the new Echo Park, and both Chapel Hill and Armitage Heights are making definite inroads into being the new Hoboken, if Chapel Hill can break free from its perceived image as the new Mission District, which most older scenesters still think of as the old pre-"new Williamsburg" Silver Lake.

The article goes on to cite some our great local bands, such as I Promise To See You Die And I Will, the October Revolutionists, Witness to the Thunder, My Other Car is a Robot, Hell Is Other People, the Do-Overs, Teenage Law Student, Fear Death By Water, the Architects of Fear, Klaxon!, and the Upper Voltas.

All those bands are pretty good. So be sure to check them out. Klaxon! and Teenage Law Student are playing this Saturday at Spike's, so that'll be a good one.

Other than that, I should probably point out that although the Upper Voltas were indeed great, they sort of broke up last month -- Andy, the bassist, ended up leaving the band to replace Chuck in Witness to the Thunder because their original bassist Nick moved to New York, so the other guys in the Upper Voltas decided to just change their name to the Anna Kournikovas, and I hear Tom, who used to play in The Dream of Horses, might be joining on keyboards. Remember The Dream of Horses? They were pretty good. They were at the Lakesider all the time.

Anyway, on that note, here's a list of bands that have broken up in the last few months: A Factory on the Moon, the Boutonnieres, Phillips Cycles, Sepak Takraw, the Song Dynasty, National Trust, the Truants, Randy Scouse Git, Super Team Spirit & the Color Line, %!*@ (good riddance, too, I told them it was stupid to a.) name a band after a Beetle Bailey reference, and b.) not even have it be pronounceable), the Atari Jaguars, International Circle, and the Stoics. So good luck to all those people in their new projects.

And I suppose that's all the news in the world of the "rock scene."

Take care,
Marisha

Winter Parade trial update.

Osborne, Schultz, Carson and Reese in an undated photo, courtest of the University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity.

Yesterday, the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals cleared University of Mishipeshu Delta Tau Kappa fraternity members Mike "Da Chugster" Carson, Mike "Bro Hammer" Schultz, Ian "E-Dawg" Reese and Mike "Boner" Osborne of all charges related to the Winter Parade disturbances.

They have been free out on bond since December, and have returned to classes at the University. However, they have been suspended from the men's varsity squash team until further notice.

In a statement, the young men compared themselves to "another great man who faced down the system," the Jamaican singer Bob Marley.

The trials of handgun activist Marla Manda Johannsen, public access television program host Hal Halloran, unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski, and frequently nude performance artist Jennifer #4720331 are due to being later this month. Hopefully, their parents aren't top-notch trial lawyers, too.

Sources in the neighborhood are telling me that Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding has fled to Vietnam.

Hard-hitting film excitement!

The legendary final scene from House of Chains (1972).

The Armitage Heights Film Society will be screening a month-long retrospective of the work of Hanley native and '70s cinematic icon Robert Donald Salloway through the months of January and February at Kendall Park Cinema.

Kendall Park Cinema is located at 201 North Stanton Avenue in Kendall Park. All films begin at 7:00 PM, and cost $8 for adults, and $5 for students and AHFS members. Visit http://www.armitagefilm.org/ for more details, or email Mark at armitagefilm@hotmail.com.

The theater's phone number is (436) 822-FILM.

Despite their undeniable historic importance and hard-hitting '70s-era social relevance, these films contain many adult situations and are not recommended for children under the age of 16.

Friday, January 26 - The Man That Killed Tomorrow (1974)
Saturday, January 27 - Tonight We Ride, Tomorrow We Die (1972)
Friday, February 8 - Blitzkrieg Over Marvin Gardens (1973)
Saturday, February 9 - The Archbishop of 42nd Street (1976)
Friday, February 16 - House of Chains (1972)
Saturday, February 17 - An Empire of Men (1975)

26th Street re-routing: here come the Freemasons!

The new proposed street sign for the re-routed 26th Street.

Well, there is a definite sarcastic streak running through the 3rd Ward, I see. Generally, the letters I've received about my last post regarding the re-routing of 26th were very positive, but here's a sample of one of the more negative ones:

dear mr. larson,

wow, way to stand up against the freemasons, sir. how bold. next i'd like to see you take on the whigs, carpetbaggers, prussians and zeppelin pilots that continue to terrorize our neighborhood.

regards,
vick in hanley

Well, ha ha. Point taken.

I want to be clear, though, that my problem is not with Freemasons themselves. My grandfather was a Mason. My problem is with dangerous, outdated notions of how a city street should flow.

Call me unsentimental, but I do not think it's unreasonable to think that the primary purpose of a city street is to regulate the orderly flow of automobile, bicycle and foot traffic, not to create a mystical arrangement of lines that, when viewed from above, reflect the perfect symmetrical will of the Divine Architect.

Some of you don't see things that way. Namely, Grand Master Eldon Sommers, 33°, of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Chapter of Armitage Heights Lodge of Approved Freemasons No. 1, writing in this letter dated January 18:

I cannot think of a time since the 19th Century heyday of the Anti-Freemason Party when the traditions of Freemasonry were more under assault. We have contributed to the prosperity and well-being of this community for generations, and yet we find at every turn our historical figures have been slandered at your hands, and our architectural contributions to the unique heritage of this area maligned and denigrated as dangerous and even deadly. 26th Street in its current arrangement is beautiful and inspiring.

Surprisingly, many of you seem to feel this way. I can see that this debate has touched off a nerve.

Again, it's important that I let you know that the feelings of Freemasons of all rites, whether Scottish, Grand College, Shriner, Templar or Rosicrucian, are important to me as your councilman. I still do not feel that 26th Street is safe or practical in its present configuration.

However, in the spirit of compromise, I would like to make the following suggestion. I propose that the stretch of road that will connect Stanton Avenue and Gilpin Avenue past the Square be renamed Mysterious Order of the Veiled Prophet of the Enchanted Realm Street, in honor the great Masonic organization that once thrived in this neighborhood. That way, we can both honor the past, and enjoy the present.

Additionally, such a unique, "quirky" name will stand out in the neighborhood, and certainly endear itself to residents and visitors alike. I can imagine future generations referring fondly to it as, say, "Mysterious Street," "ol' 'Chanty Street," or maybe "Movper Street" (the acronym for Mysterious Order of the Veiled Prophet of the Enchanted Realm).

Perhaps we could even rezone the whole area as a historic heritage site, much like the Epseranto or Poutine Districts. The businesses along the new street could reflect the area's heritage, like "Entered Apprecentice Coffeeshop," or "Order of the Eastern Star Bagels." Imagine, a whole Freemasonry District!

So let's think about it, Freemason and non-Freemason alike.

Regardless of the name, construction should begin in early March, and will be completed by early 2009.

Changes on 26th Street at Armitage Square.

The original plans for the street layout around Armitage Square, circa 1840.

Well, I have some good news for all residents: the city council finally voted last week to re-route 26th Street around Armitage Square.

As you know, it's present configuration is unappealing and a bit of a death-trap. 26th starts crosses Stanton Avenue and runs alternately west and south past Legaré and Pierrepont, and then cuts through Armitage Square, merges with Toucey for two blocks, and then to Stanton south for a block through the park and back again onto the grid at Gilpin Avenue.

Instead, 26th will be routed right off Stanton, north of the square, and then travel directly to Gilpin, saving everyone a lot of trouble.

The reason it was routed in its original configuration had something to do with the fact that the planner of this part of the neighborhood, local architect and Freemason Charles Jeptha Grotting (the grandfather of another notable local Freemason), was mired in Masonic mumbo-jumbo and wanted the configuration around the square to reflect the perfect symmetry of the All-Radiating Eye. As readers of this blog well know, I have always taken a strong stand against the meddling of Freemasons in neighborhood affars, and to have this sort of shortsighted planning and superstituous nonsense contribute to an average of nineteen traffic accidents every year around the Square is completely ridiculous.

Please make no mistake: I am a big fan of the Nineteenth Century, and I will fight to see that this neighborhood maintains its historic charm when it is relevant and appropriate for it to do so. But whenever I get letters from people complaining about the city council's "philistine lack of interest in historic preservation," I simply remind them of this sort of situation. History is great, but it isn't all quilting, Blue Danubes and jaunty felt hats. There's a lot of creepy nonsense in there, too, and I think most of the residents and business owners in the area aren't going to be upset that -- pardon my strong language here -- the odd and unappealing whims of our forefathers' Masonic-centric urban planning aren't left hanging around to confuse tourists and contribute to car wrecks in this century.

Hacking, vandalism and half-truths.

The late Paraguayan dictator General Alfredo Stroessner.

Some of you may have been surprised to read my last "post," where I seemed to be ranting nonsensically and inappropriately underneath a "photograph" of myself, the late Paraguayan dictator General Alfredo Stroessner, and some "stormtroopers" from the 1970s-era film Star Wars.

Well, obviously, that wasn't the real me.

Today this blog was hacked, apparently by the underage gang of skaters known as the Armitage Heights Kaos Krew.

As you may know, this so-called "Kaos Krew" has plagued our neighborhood for some time now.

The message they posted appeared to have been written by me, despite the poor grammar, rampant mispellings and ludicrous claims made therein. The "photo" was obviously doctored (and very poorly, I might add). It was all too juvenile, for the most part, to warrant a serious response. However, in the hours since the hacked post went up, letters have been pouring in from you all, and I want to be certain that everyone in this great community knows the facts.

First of all, I do not purchase my suits at Men's Wearhouse. That is a fine chain of stores that has many convenient metro locations, but the truth is that all of my suits at Zydlewska and Son Tailors, located at 5903 West 62nd Street in Little Warsaw. I always support local businesses over chains. Felix and his son Max have been making the finest suits in town for 50 years now, and they've always done it at a great price.

Secondly, I have no present ambitions to higher office. My job, first and foremost, is to represent you, the 3rd Ward, in the city council until my term is up in November, 2007.

Third and most importantly, there is the matter of the misinformation about my relationship with the late Paraguayan dictator General Alfredo Stroessner. He was not my uncle, he was my great-uncle. I concede that there is a kernel of truth in the nonsense that these delinquents are spewing: both Stroessner and I share a common relative, my great-grandfather Hugo Stroessner (his father, my mother's mother's father). However, to suggest that I am somehow related to him in an ideological sense is patently offensive and untrue. I only met him once, as a child on a family vacation in South America in the early '70s, and frankly, I thought he was a weird, smelly old man and I was glad to be back in Kendall Park when the vacation was over. I have never supported any autocratic policies in my time in public service, and I have roundly condemned, on the public record, the atrocities of mid-century South American dictators like Stroessner. I do not know how these hoodlums learned this information, but it does not matter: I do not seek to hide it from you.

This is not the first time the so-called "Kaos Krew" has wreaked havoc in our community, but this must be the last time. It is truly time to "get tough" on these destructive, genealogically resourceful young vandals (not "get tough," of course, in any autocratic sense -- I mean solely in a democratically-accountable sense).

When Marisha gets back in the office tomorrow, you can bet that the work of those vandals will be deleted from this blog for good.

i'm councilman sherman larson!

hi everyone, i'm councilman sherman larson! i'm so "handsome" and "awesome"! i always wear a "mens warehouse" suit and blue tie! here's a "neat" picture of me with my uncle and my political hero, general alfredo stroessner, former paraguayan dictator! he's my uncle! my actual, related-by-blood uncle! i want to be just like him! i want to run armitage heights with an iron fist and crush all dissent, YAY! and my hair is so "pretty" and "stylish"!

i'm soooooo great! everybody look at me! i'm going to run for "metro mayor" someday and then senator and i'll be able to tell everyone what to do even though i can't even "format" a paragrpagh of text without screwing everything up! i can't do anything without my "assistants" help! oh no! help me marisha! i'm so lost without you!

now, uncle stroessner and i will send out my "third ward stormtroopers" to destroy you! "SEIZE" THEM!

love,

sherman

ã2/\/\̆ÀGÊ (-(Éì9Htš KÀô§ KrËW RuLèz!

Our latest "controversy."

This morning when I fired up my Outlook, the first email I read wasn't about one of the more serious issues we have to tackle here in the 3rd Ward, like re-routing 26th Street around Armitage Square, or apprehending Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding. Instead, it was about something much more mundane that, for some reason, I've been hearing a lot about lately from you all. I'll let you see for yourself:

councilman larson,

your assistant marisha is totally right. all those "quotation marks" your using all the time make you look completly clueless.

just a word of advise,
ben in wihinapa

I showed this email to my assistant Marisha. I told her I couldn't believe the hardworking people of this community didn't have better things to do with their time then send me emails critiquing my blog's use of quotation marks. Furthermore, I didn't really see why I should pay much mind to a man that, with all due respect, clearly could not be bothered to correctly spell the words "completely," "advice" and "you're." Marisha told me I was missing the point.

Well, as an elected official and your 3rd Ward councilman for nearly five years now, I pride myself on not "missing the point." So I made a little bet with Marisha that I would give her tomorrow off if we looked at the University of Mishipeshu English department's online style guide and found that it confirmed my continuing correct usage of quotation marks.

So Marisha looked it up. Here is what she found. The emphasis is hers:

Unnecessary Quotation Marks: Do not use quotation marks for common nicknames, bits of humor, technical terms that readers are likely to know, and trite or well-known expressions.

Well, OK, fine.

I get the point.

As an elected official and your 3rd Ward councilman for nearly five years now, I also pride myself on knowing when I've been bested. I still maintain that there's probably lots of terms in use in some of the more technical writing I do here sometimes that readers are not "likely to know," but fair is fair. So Marisha has the day off tomorrow, and I will not put words like "e-mail" and "network" in quotation marks. Unless I think they need them.

So if you see a smart-looking young lady out in the Stanton Avenue shopping district tomorrow, say "hello" and ask her if she's enjoying her "day off," because it will probably be Marisha.

Your letters and emails.

Freemason grand master, poet and alleged anti-Semitic cannibal Dr. Lucius S. Grotting, 1899.

Friday is a good day to drag out the old mailbag, and have a look at some of the letters you have sent me in the past month.

This blog is only less than a month old, but the response from the community has been overwhelming! It's good to know that so many of you are "web-saavy," and it speaks well of our community that so many of you are "plugged-in."

My assistant Marisha once again is telling me to stop putting so many words in quotation marks. In fact, many of your letters have touched on that very subject. Well, you may have a point, but may I say that there's nothing "lame" or "square" about putting words that may be unfamiliar to our community like "web-savvy" in quotation marks.

The bulk of mail I've gotten has been regarding the ongoing controversy regarding the Winter Parade disturbances. I am glad to say that most of it supports the capture and trial of the hooligans that instigated the tragedy. You have probably already heard that unlicensed, non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski was apprehended yesterday in Armitage Hill, and that only the mentally unbalanced clandestine Viet Cong operative and dangerous leftist agitator Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding remains at large. A trial date for all nine defendants is due to be set later this month.

I would like to say that although I am absolutely all for recognizing and celebrating the diversity in our community, I would politely ask those of you in the Hanley Esperanto District to please include an English translation of your letters when you send them. No one on the city's payroll is a fluent speaker of this unique, beautiful and made-up language, and my assistant Marisha has had a terrible time translating the letters into English using an old Esperanto-to-English dictionary she bought with her own money at one of the used bookstores on the Stanton Avenue strip. Most of them come out sounding like this:

Mi diras al la rego: "via rego mosto, pardonu min! Malsagulon ciu batas!"

Which Marisha claims translates to:

"I said to the king, 'Your majesty, forgive me! Everybody beats a fool.'"

I do not know why someone would send this message to me.

And while we're on the subject of kings, dead languages and strange rituals, here is a letter from Grand Master Eldon Sommers, 33°, of the Novus Ordo Seclorum Chapter of Armitage Heights Lodge of Approved Freemasons No. 1, regarding my comments on the Armitage Freemason's March and Dr. Lucius S. Grotting from December 19:

You are perpetuating a tired, untrue old rumor with your irresponsible comments on Dr. Lucius S. Grotting. He was truly an inspiring, well-loved figure in turn-of-the-century Armitage Heights, and his railroading by anti-Masonic forces in the community is a blot on the neighborhood's progressive past. There is no proof that those rabbis were eaten, and even if they were eaten, which they weren't, there is no proof that Dr. Grotting was the one that ate them. Dr. Grotting was not an eater of rabbis, or an eater of people in general, except for in some ceremonial instances of Freemason ritual which are largely misunderstood and primarily metaphorical in nature.

From that same December 19th post, here is an email from Chucky Charlemagne, former lead singer of the Druids, whose 1979 punk-rock pro-heroin anthem "Stanton Ave. Cop" I made reference to:

In addition to "Cop," may I say we also performed a number of other neighborhood-specific songs, like "Wihinapa Deathwish," "Burn, Hanley, Burn," and "Let's Arm Armitage." In addition, may I also say that in our 1978 prime, the Druids would have wiped self-absorbed fake rock-and-roll weineys like I'm Going To Watch You Die or whatever the [expletive deleted] they're called off the stage completely, despite the fact that we didn't have any crappy corporate music magazines knocking around. So yeah, nice mascara job, you wussy little [different expletive deleted].

While I appreciate the community pride that Mr. Charlemagne feels, I must still maintain that I am adamantly opposed to death wishes, burning Hanley and providing weapons to the community. My assistant Marisha, however, would like me to mention that Mr. Charlemagne is correct in his thoughts about I Promise To See You Die And I Will, and that her boyfriend Billy Draeger agrees.

Keep those letters coming! I always enjoy hearing from you, who make the quality of life here in Armitage Heights so good.

Rock and roll rebuttal.

Local non-emo band I Promise To See You Die And I Will.

I received a rather irate email late last night from a young man named Natty Oglethorpe, who is the singer and principal songwriter in the local band I Promised To See You Die And I Will. He took exception with the fact that in yesterday's post on the local rock scene, my assistant Marisha referred to them as "weiney screamo drama queens." In the spirit of the sort of open debate that the "blogosophere" is meant to foster, I offered him space to make a rebuttal. Here is an excerpt from the email he sent.

Your assistant Marisha's ignorant remarks about my band were totally unfounded and unfair. IPTSYDAIW are not "weiney" and certainly not "drama queens." As far as being "screamo," that's just like Marisha to make such a ill-informed judgement. We have been playing our dramatic, engaging brand of music longer than any of these labels like "screamo" and "emo" have even existed. Our music draws on a wide variety of non-emo influences, like the Smiths, the Cure, and Morrissey's solo projects up to "Vauxhall and I." Anyway, if you want to talk about weineys, talk to Billy English Major or whatever his name is in the October Revolutionists. There's a tea-quaffing, lit-crit-reading-for-fun purebreed pinkies-up weiney if there ever was one.

I showed this email to Marisha, who rolled her eyes and told me that she and Oglethorpe dated for several months, and she is now dating Billy Draeger,who is the lead singer and songwriter for the popular local indie band the October Revolutionists, hence Oglethorpe's unkind remarks. Who knew my assistant Marisha was such a rock and roller!

On a personal note, I don't know why bands have such long, complicated names these days. Back in my college rock and roll days, all my favorite bands had short, simple names like The The, R.E.M. and U2. In fact, it is because of U2's hard-hitting anthems of social justice like "Sunday Bloody Sunday" that I was inspired to public service to begin with!

At any rate, this has all been a fascinating trip into the world of local rock music, but with all due respect, I hope this will be the last words on this particular subject. I ask you, the reader: is an online blog really the place for petty arguing about moderately well-known, highly genre-specific local rock bands?

Our rockin' neighborhood!

In the new February 2007 issue of SPIN Magazine, Armitage Heights is named the 12th Most Rock & Roll Neighborhood in America, right between University City in St. Louis (#11) and Copper Square in Phoenix/Tempe (#13)! The article gives a "shout-out" to such well-loved local indie rock bands like the October Revolutionists, the Twilight Parade, I Promised To See You Die And I Will, My Other Car is a Robot, Hell Is Other People, the Do-Overs and Teenage Law Student, none of whom I have heard but whom my assistant Marisha assures me are awesome (except for I Promised To See You Die And I Will, who she says are "weiney screamo drama queens," whatever that means). It also cites some of our great rock venues, such as Spike's and the Bazooka Room and some of our great, now-defunct rock venues like the Heights Cafe, the Buckaroo, the Lakesider and the old Armitage Orpheum, which apparently was having illegal punk rock shows in the basement up until last year (maybe the displaced punk rock bands will enjoy seeing an NBA game instead!).

So, way to rock on, Armitage Heights! Let's start attending some local rock shows and supporting our "scene"! Next year when the pollsters come around again, we can start creeping up on Wicker Park, Silver Lake, Williamsburg, Capitol Hill, South Street in Philly and Uptown Minneapolis!

Marisha is telling me that it looks "lame" when I keep putting words like "scene" and "shout-out" in quotation marks, but I'm just trying to put some of these rock and roll words in context for all our non-rockers out there.

Neighborhood focus: Kendall Park's historic Poutine District.

The Armitage Amalgamated Gravy Factory at 63rd Street and Gilpin Avenue (now Guy Lafleur Avenue), Kendall Park, circa 1912. The heart (l'coeur?) of the Poutine District.

Greetings and happy New Year! I hope everyone had a restful New Year's Day -- after the stressful events of the Winter Parade fiasco, a restful day is exactly what we needed.

That said, renegade Communist malcontent and honorary Viet Cong Dr. Thomas Jefferson Harding and unlicensed non-Muslim cleric the Ayatollah Martin Wisniewski remain at large.

Anyway, I thought that this would be good time to begin a new regular feature on the blog, Neighborhood Focus. In this section, I'll take a look at some of the interesting, notable parts of the Armitage Heights neighborhood that you may have yet to discover!

For our inaugural entry in the series, let's take a look at the historic Poutine District in Kendall Park, which is generally defined as the area between 61st and 65th Streets, with Amos Kendall Parkway to the south and Lake Mishipeshu to the north.

The Poutine District dates back to the earliest part of the century, when the Armitage Amalgamated Gravy Distillery was established in 1901. From the turn of the century well through the Second World War, Armitage Heights led the nation in gravy production -- Armitage Amalgamated was the largest and best-known, but it shared the area with many other smaller, forgotten manufacturers whose wares have long been forgotten by all but the most dedicated of collectors and historians. It was estimated, in fact, that in 1914, on the eve of the Great War, Armitage Heights manufactured 30% of the nation's stock of giblet gravy, 25% of its white gravy, and a staggering 45% of its brown gravy. Immigrants from all over the world poured, so to speak, into the city to man these great gravy vats -- a dangerous job that often resulted, if not in death, then in scalding burns, whisking disasters and lumpiness.

Many of these immigrants seeking a better life came in from the great white north of Canada -- specifically, Quebec. They did not speak English, but the Quebecers' knowledge of gravy distilling was unparalleled. The names of these master midcentury gravy distillers like George-Étienne "Terre Frite" Lanctôt, Maxime Francois-Xavier "Le Mélangeur" Lépine and Henri-Raymond "Le Diable D'Abattis" Crémazie have become well-known in the annals of gravy-making. Soon, a vibrant Quebecer community sprung up around the neighborhood.

The rest, as they say, is history. The gravy industry dwindled in the postwar years, as Americans increasingly turned to instant gravy mixes. However, the residents of the area never turned their backs on their Canadian heritage or the neighborhood's gravy traditions. After the old factory closed in 1952, many of the workers stayed in the area and turned to vending poutine on the streets. To this day, you can still stroll down 62nd Street at Guy Lafleur Avenue and be charmed by the aroma of fresh curds, brown gravy and French fries wafting from the streetside stands where flannel-clad, French-speaking vendors hawk their delicious wares.

If you stroll down Lafleur a few more blocks, you can take in some more sights. Catch a hockey game at the Rue Soixante-Quatrième Palais de Sport, or visit the historic Tim Horton's at 3122 Guy Lafleur Avenue -- the very first one built in the United States! Also see the statue of Marc Garneau, the first Canadian in space, on 65th Street.

It's such a charming neighborhood, you may want to move right in! Which you can, because the old Armitage Amalgamated Gravy Distillery building is being converted into the Poutine Flats luxury condominium complex, which will open this summer! Visit http://www.poutinedistrictliving.com/ for pricing and more information!